1.“I wanted my daughter to stop picking at a scab on her face so I googled a picture of Freddy Krueger.”
2."My 18-month-old has become a picky eater, so I've resorted to leaving our dog's food out intentionally since she'll eat that.”
3."When my 5-year-old yells out, 'I can't sleep because I'm scared of monsters,' I answer, 'There's no such thing as monsters. Now go to sleep before the monsters eat you.'"
4.“I smoke weed every day. Parents need to relax, and cannabis is the safest and most therapeutic way to do it.”
5.“When my kid whines too long after hurting himself I tell him we'll have to amputate if it hurts that bad. It always stops hurting right away!”
6."My boy refused to get out of the bath until I told him about the drain monster. After that all I needed to do was pull the plug and he was out like a shot.”
7.“When my child climbs somewhere she shouldn't, I tell her that if she falls and cracks her skull open zombies will come and eat her brains."
8."When my 13-year-old daughter got her first boyfriend, I told her to google images of herpes.”
9.“I bite my toddler back when she bites me. It works. She's learned not to bite. I don't think you're supposed to do that though.”
10.“When my son is doing something dangerous, I tell him I will laugh when he falls. He immediately gets down and says it's not OK to laugh at him. I win.”
11.“On my son’s 5th birthday I told him that now that he was 5, a blue dot would appear on his forehead that only adults could see if he told a lie. For years afterward he’d cover up his forehead whenever he fibbed.”
12."I got tired of my 4-year-old sleeping on the couch, so I put a police siren on my phone and rang it at night. I told him they were coming to get him for not sleeping in his bed. He’s slept in his room ever since.”
13.“When my kids were in meltdown mode I would scream and 'cry' louder. Sure, they looked at me like I was insane, but it shut them up!”
14."My knee-jerk reaction is to take something away. So when my 3-year-old kicked me, I said, ‘Stop kicking me or I'll take your legs away.’ I convinced him they pop off like Legos.”
15.“When my son hurts himself doing something I told him not to do, I say, ‘God’s punishing you for not listening to me.'"
16.“When my kid boasts, 'I farted!' I whip out my phone and say, 'Thanks for letting me know. I’m going to tweet that for the world to know too.' Kid: 'No! I won't do it again!'"
17."My son constantly scratches his privates in public, so I told him that if he keeps doing it his penis will fall off, his nuts will turn into boobs, and he’ll morph into a girl.”
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