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1. A tin of festive meat bandages to cover your small cuts and scratches.
2. A useful cast-iron bacon press to get your strips to the exact crispness you want.
3. A bold T-shirt proudly proclaiming your not-so-secret love of well-cooked animals.
4. A beef jerky subscription box so you won't have to run to the nearest corner store to get your fix of savory goodness.
5. Bacon soap to smell like your favorite pork product, all day, every day.
6. A hamburger press for perfectly shaped patties every damn time.
7. A bacon-themed board game, because you just can't get enough of that greasy goodness.
8. An array of southern-style spices to help season your meat to high heaven.
9. A handy meat thermometer that will automatically let you know when your favorite animal of choice is ready to be eaten without losing all the juices.
10. A stainless-steel meat injector to keep your meat from being super dry once you start cooking it.
11. Canned unicorn meat. Sometimes in order to succeed, you have to ingest real-ass magical creatures.
12. A Ron Swanson-approved cutting board to make it easier to slice your steak into even-sized morsels.
13. A tasty can of creamed possum, because even roadkill is a top-choice meat and shouldn't be slept on.
14. A set of beer-infused barbecue sauces that'll take your wings to the next level.
15. The most epic cheeseburger backpack to store all of your salty, spicy meaty treats.
16. A pair of heat-resistant gloves, because you'd hate to burn your attractive hands while cooking your steak over a blazing fire.
17. A red meat pillow so you can take naps dreaming about your one true love – steak.
18. A pack of grill mats, because you'd really appreciate your hamburgers and hot dogs cooking evenly without sticking to the dirty-ass public grill.
19. A miniature, portable grill for beautifully charred steaks on the go.
20. Or a George Foreman Grill that can also do the fucking job if cooking and eating outside underneath the stars like our ancestors before us just isn't your jam.
21. A Himalayan salt barbecue plank to give your meat even more flavor while serving it in style.
22. Burger earrings to show everyone what your favorite snack is without even talking.
23. A useful apron with cool compartments to prevent all the glorious meat spatter from getting on your even more amazing outfit.
24. A super sensual book perfect for broadening your horizons when it comes to unique ways to prepare bacon.
25. A battery-operated food smoker that'lll transform the meat of your choice into juicy heaven, even when you're on the go.
26. A set of silicone brushes for lathering precious barbecue sauce onto your precious ribs.
27. An all-in-one BBQ tool set so you can treat your steaks and ribs with care on the grill.
28. An outdoor spice rack, because you'd love to season that prime rib while you're out enjoying the wilderness as it should be — meaty AF.
29. And a handy meat tenderizer to uh.... beat your meat to juicy perfection.
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That has to be the most beautiful piece of meat I've ever seen.
Reviews here have been edited for length and/or clarity.