1. When he had four followers:
wow. i have 4 followers. and one of them i just found out is like a link to a porno site. that's just depressing. haa!!!
2. When he had a great idea for a candy heart:
Happy Valentines Day!!!! Its too bad "Eat out my butt," doesn't fit on one of those little candy hearts.
3. And an okay idea for a superpower:
If I could have any superpower in the world... it would be the ability to shit someone else's pants.
4. When he "bathed" his "dogs":
just gave the dogs a bath. and by dogs, of course i mean my nads. and by bath, of course i mean a straight razor shave.
5. When he defended Cruella de Vil:
Was Cruella Deville that bad? I mean, there are 101 of the fuckin things!
6. And supported Mike "The Situation":
Hey The Situation. If you're reading this keep your head up bro. I got your back.
7. When he put Preparation H in his mouth:
How much of this Preparation H do I gotta eat before it starts working?
8. And yogurt up his butt:
So how much of this Activia do you have to put up your butt before it works?
9. When he peed his pants:
For the record.. Free casino shuttles are not the best place to pee your pants.
10. When he went grocery shopping:
feeling real healthy. just bought a bunch of fruits and vegetables. here's to two weeks from now when i throw it all away cause its rotten.
11. When he expressed his love for meatloaf...
Meatloaf is so good I can totally see why Meatloaf named himself Meatloaf.
12. ...Miami...
miami is awesome
13. ...and Adam Scott:
Adam Scott is hilarious.
14. When he watched The Bachelor:
About to watch The Bachelor!!! in his honorable quest to find true love amongst a sea of super crazy, whacked out, manipulative strangers.
15. And listened to "Margaritaville":
Listening to Jimmy Buffets "Margaritaville." in the end he admits it's his own damn fault. That's brave Jimmy. Damn brave.
16. When he shared a photo of his son:
Thank you iPhone for allowing me to capture my son's first smile!
17. When he bragged about his karate kicks:
My karate kicks are off the fucking chain today.
18. And his balls:
Not to brag but I have like the tannest balls ever.
19. When he just wanted his parakeet waxed:
Honestly? If you keep hanging up on me every time I ask, your salon doesn't deserve to wax my parakeets butthole.
20. When he ate too much pie:
Got a bad case of the pie sweats.
21. When he shared his omelette recipe:
To make an omelette you have to break a few eggs. And then put cheese and other stuff on it.
22. And when he was not impressed by the neighborhood Honda:
to the honda in the neighborhood who keeps speeding around like an idiot and running stop signs: bad ass bro. straight up. sweet sweet ride.
23. Not one bit:
its just an awesome honda. is that a civic? dude. dope. super dope. the early 90's was the best year for hondas. i got your back bro.