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23 Vintage Chris Pratt Tweets That Belong In A Museum

"Hey The Situation. If you're reading this keep your head up bro."

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1. When he had four followers:

wow. i have 4 followers. and one of them i just found out is like a link to a porno site. that's just depressing. haa!!!

2. When he had a great idea for a candy heart:

Happy Valentines Day!!!! Its too bad "Eat out my butt," doesn't fit on one of those little candy hearts.

3. And an okay idea for a superpower:

If I could have any superpower in the world... it would be the ability to shit someone else's pants.

4. When he "bathed" his "dogs":

just gave the dogs a bath. and by dogs, of course i mean my nads. and by bath, of course i mean a straight razor shave.

5. When he defended Cruella de Vil:

Was Cruella Deville that bad? I mean, there are 101 of the fuckin things!

6. And supported Mike "The Situation":

Hey The Situation. If you're reading this keep your head up bro. I got your back.

7. When he put Preparation H in his mouth:

How much of this Preparation H do I gotta eat before it starts working?

8. And yogurt up his butt:

So how much of this Activia do you have to put up your butt before it works?

9. When he peed his pants:

For the record.. Free casino shuttles are not the best place to pee your pants.

10. When he went grocery shopping:

feeling real healthy. just bought a bunch of fruits and vegetables. here's to two weeks from now when i throw it all away cause its rotten.

11. When he expressed his love for meatloaf...

Meatloaf is so good I can totally see why Meatloaf named himself Meatloaf.

12. ...Miami...

13. ...and Adam Scott:

14. When he watched The Bachelor:

About to watch The Bachelor!!! in his honorable quest to find true love amongst a sea of super crazy, whacked out, manipulative strangers.

15. And listened to "Margaritaville":

Listening to Jimmy Buffets "Margaritaville." in the end he admits it's his own damn fault. That's brave Jimmy. Damn brave.

16. When he shared a photo of his son:

Thank you iPhone for allowing me to capture my son's first smile!

17. When he bragged about his karate kicks:

My karate kicks are off the fucking chain today.

18. And his balls:

Not to brag but I have like the tannest balls ever.

19. When he just wanted his parakeet waxed:

Honestly? If you keep hanging up on me every time I ask, your salon doesn't deserve to wax my parakeets butthole.

20. When he ate too much pie:

21. When he shared his omelette recipe:

To make an omelette you have to break a few eggs. And then put cheese and other stuff on it.

22. And when he was not impressed by the neighborhood Honda:

to the honda in the neighborhood who keeps speeding around like an idiot and running stop signs: bad ass bro. straight up. sweet sweet ride.

23. Not one bit:

its just an awesome honda. is that a civic? dude. dope. super dope. the early 90's was the best year for hondas. i got your back bro.

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