1. Joe O'Dell (Facebook)
I was sitting on the floor of a natural amphitheater with a couple of friends, when I knew that I had something special brewing. We talked while the previous night's Las Vegas, all-you-can-eat Mexican buffet and that morning's over-easy eggs and greasy sausage plotted their escape. I would be a liar if I told you there wasn't a bit of a push on my part, but I would be completely within the truth when I tell you I had no idea of the thunderous blast that was to be unleashed on this fine autumn afternoon. I have witnesses that counted no fewer than five echoes as the tremendous THRUPT! bounced around the hard, rock enclosure, causing families to swivel their heads around in a frantic quest to understand the source of the mysterious audio assault. Life is short. Just once, fart where you aren't supposed to!
I was in gymnastics when I was about 8 or 9 years old, and we were getting help with handstands, where the teacher would hold your back while you kicked up. When it was my turn, I had to fart SO BAD. I tried to hold it in, but that made it worse. It slipped out just as I went up, and went right in the teacher's face. She screamed, horrified, "SHE FARTED IN MY FACE," and dropped me. EVERYONE in the gymnasium heard. I never went back.
I was a student at Indiana University and had an early morning class that I was running late to. I sprinted across the building and arrived at the bottom of the steps at the same time as this good-looking guy. He swept his arm toward the stairs and said, "You first." I shot him a dazzling smile, thanked him, and explained that I was late for class. We were both running up the stairs, me in the lead and him close behind, when suddenly I farted — loudly. I was so embarrassed I couldn't even speak, not to apologize or even say excuse me.
4. Forrest Kent (Facebook)
My ex-boyfriend was sick in the bed and wanted me to rub his back, so I climbed on and was giving him a back rub. One thing led to another and I farted directly onto his bare back. I immediately rolled off of him, apologized, and let myself out.
5. Court Clark (Facebook)
It was my birthday and the party had moved to a dance club. The night was going great when the taco enchilada platter I'd enjoyed for dinner decided to make a reappearance. In a crowded club there's no way you'll know who dealt it once you've smelt it, so I figured, Whatever. I let it rip not thinking too much of it and continued enjoying the music. It wasn't until about 10 seconds later that I realized it was worse than I thought, as I had cleared the whole room, and was dancing in the middle of the dance floor by myself.
I was on a bus and put in my earphones to alleviate boredom. I could feel a big fart brewing, and like the classy woman that I am, I tried to do the sneaky-lean-to-the-side-silent-lady-fart. Instead, it sounded like a balloon being very slowly, squeakily, and loudly deflated. EVERYBODY stared at me, but I just stared on forward…pretending that my music was too loud to hear what had just escaped from my own body. The horror…the horror.
When I had colitis I would blow out the toilet. It smelled like death and often sounded like I was playing a trumpet. One time on a plane, we were 30 minutes from landing when I realized I had to go. Just as I got up to use the bathroom, the "fasten seat belts" light turned on. In my panic-stricken brain, I thought that if I farted, it would relieve just enough pressure so that I would be ok until we landed. I silently let one go, and halfway through realized it smelled worse than I ever imagined. Before my family could say a word, the woman in front of us started yelling at her husband, and his dad slapped him in the back of the head and asked what was wrong with him. Everyone around us turned on the air jets above their seats and as soon as we touched down, the people around me got up to escape the smell. The pilot had to announce that he couldn't go to the gate until everyone sat back down. I felt horrible for the guy who took the blame, but the way his family immediately turned on him made me think he must have done stuff like this before.
I had to work the day after Thanksgiving, so I brought in some leftovers and made quite a pig of myself. Later, I'm sitting at my desk when my stomach starts rumbling. I notice some papers on the floor, so I bend over to get them and this huge, raunchy turkey fart comes ripping out of my ass. People were popping up from their cubes like prairie dogs, and the woman behind me started gagging and suddenly ran off toward the bathroom with her hand over her mouth.
9. Stephen Behrendt (Facebook)
I was with my girlfriend at the park when the urge to take a nice growler suddenly hit me, so I set off to find a restroom. It must have been too late in the season, because the door to the facility was LOCKED. Across a large field, I saw a group of porta-potties being set up. I tried my best to get there, letting out consecutive farts long the way. Then came a big one... only it wasn't a fart. It was the fart's evil cousin: THE SHART. FUCK. I finally got inside the porta-potty, only there was no toilet paper, THERE WAS NOTHING. Fuck it, we made it this far... So I sat there, finished doing my thing, and cleaned myself up with my shirt, socks, and disposed of the terrible mess in the empty toilet.
I was in fifth grade making daily discoveries about my newly developed lactose intolerance, when during class, I let loose a killer. Long and silent, I knew immediately it was going to be bad. For most of my life I've graded my farts based on exit heat, the time it takes to smell it, and its intensity, and this was the hottest, quickest, and most potent fart of my entire life. While I was turning bright red from the impending embarrassment, the coughing and gasping spread around the room like a wave. When it reached the front of the class, my teacher began to wretch and called the janitor to open the windows and spray the room. The adjoining classrooms also got the full experience and the decision was made to start recess 45 minutes early.
I was talking to my boss when I accidentally (and silently) let one rip. She scrunched up her nose and asked if I could smell old, moldy cheese. I told her I couldn't smell anything. She continued to sniff around, and eventually started to gag. I acted like I was puzzled by her behavior and the whole time she was apologizing.
12. Taylor Levin (Facebook)
One day at work, I opened the bathroom door to find an A-list actor standing at the urinal. There are only two, so naturally I was pumped. Confident as ever, I made my way over. I unzipped and pulled it out. SHOWTIME. Except today something was different... I was nervous. Nothing was happening. I started psychically communicating with it, begging it to get going. Now my heart's beating fast and I'm basically on my hands and knees crying for at least one drop to be spilled... So I push with all my might and rip the loudest fart ever in the completely silent, yet highly acoustic bathroom. A-list actor zips up and walks out. That's when a stream of tears began to fall...from all three eyes.
My son was having trouble in fourth grade, so I went to meet with his teacher to address the issue. As we were sitting in a silent, empty classroom, deep in serious conversation, my body rebelled. Without warning, a deep, loud fart burst out of me. I wanted to run and cry. She was so sweet and graceful about it. But yep, I ripped one in front of my kid's teacher. Awesome.
14. Eric Endres (Facebook)
In sixth grade I was an unpopular fat kid. In one of my classes I was seated amid a group of pretty girls with whom I was trying to make a positive impression, which made this the perfect setting for what was about to occur. In my gut, a fart was brewing. In my nose, a sneeze was gathering. I sneezed, and the sheer power of it forced the fart out of my butt so fast and furiously against the hard wooden chair that the sound bounced off the walls of our little classroom. Foolishly, I hoped that no one noticed. The uncontrollable giggles from the girls seated around me proved otherwise. Still, I kept my cool, acting like a vigorous "snart" was no big deal.
I was attending a bible study one night when it hit me right in the middle of our leader's presentation, with about 15 other middle schoolers in the room who, including myself, were constantly trying to be "cool." I tried to hold it in as long as possible, but inevitably had to let it out. I thought I could ease it out silently, but the type of chair I was sitting in had other plans for my fart. It ended up being a long, high-pitched squeal, that felt like it lasted for 20 minutes, punctuated by one final "beep" at the end of it. Everyone stared at me and broke out in riotous laughter.
16. Kate Bennett (Facebook)
After a funeral, I went to get a drink from the water fountain. I had to lean over my now-husband's family member who was breastfeeding her baby on a bench. I let out a noxious silent gas, like rotten eggs, right at the moment I leaned over her. She looked at me like I had slapped her baby...which I basically did. The baby started crying; I said, "I am so sorry," and quickly walked away.
I was enjoying a lazy Sunday at my ex's house with him and his parents. I felt a sneeze coming on, so I inhaled to get ready for it and then, with ZERO warning, my sneeze magically transformed into a very loud fart. I was absolutely mortified until my ex's mom said, "Oh my god, Striker!" blaming it on him! I don't know if she knew it was actually me, but I rolled with it and said, "Striker, that was gross!" His dad couldn't stop laughing as I tried not to turn red. On the way home I apologized to Striker for letting him take the blame for the fart… but I don't honestly feel bad about it now.
18. Katerina Mercedes Cervantes (Facebook)
My senior year of high school I had ovarian cysts that caused a ton of pain. My doctor put me on a high dose of Percocet, while they decided whether or not to operate. I was sitting in algebra class, stoned out of my mind, trying to pay attention. I kept farting throughout class and didn't realize it until the guy next to me goes, "The fuck is wrong with you?!?!" My teacher walked me into the hall and tried to tell me to stop, but I was too drugged up to give a shit and continued to fart throughout my classes that day.