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    22 Secrets Your Cleaner Will Never Tell You

    We know everything.

    1. We know exactly when you're hungover.

    2. And when you've just had a big junk food binge.

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    The pizza boxes and leftover dough crust give it away.

    3. Come to think of it, we even know when you've just had sex.

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    Your room smells funny and your sheets are kinda stained. You can't hide these things from us.

    4. We admire how much you care about the environment.

    5. But we know that your yoga mat is just for show.

    6. We snoop around your cupboards when you're out.

    7. And we pay attention to what you're reading too.

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    Which means we know when it takes you six months to finish a book.

    8. We mess around with the order of your cuddly toys to see if you'll notice.

    9. We're basically immune to your grossness.

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    You'd be surprised how many skid marks and used condoms we see.

    10. We judge you by what's stuck to your fridge.

    11. And by how long you leave cards up.

    12. We're in awe of those of you who have an alphabetised CD or vinyl collection.

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    Where you find the time, we'll never know.

    13. We know when you purposely leave stuff out just to test how well we clean.

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    If there's a hair near the ceiling, we know it didn't get there on its own.

    14. And we know you don't use all your cookbooks.

    15. We wonder why you own such a high spec vac cleaner and a mail order steam mop.

    16. Or why you bother writing a cleaning rota.

    17. And we'll never understand why you invested in a Nutribullet.

    18. Cleaning an oven is bloody hard work.

    19. And we don't use the ecologically sound cleaning products that you give us.

    20. We're jealous of all your Lonely Planet guidebooks.

    21. And finally, your cats never play with all the expensive toys you get them.

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    They eat and they sleep. That's it.

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