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22 Secrets Your Cleaner Will Never Tell You

We know everything.

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1. We know exactly when you're hungover.

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The headache pills, nearly empty glass of wate, and just-in-case basin positioned by the bed are a bit of a giveaway.

2. And when you've just had a big junk food binge.

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The pizza boxes and leftover dough crust give it away.

3. Come to think of it, we even know when you've just had sex.

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Your room smells funny and your sheets are kinda stained. You can't hide these things from us.

4. We admire how much you care about the environment.

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Even if the only things you're recycling are bottles upon bottles of wine.

5. But we know that your yoga mat is just for show.

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There is way too much dust on them for you to be a regular yogi.

6. We snoop around your cupboards when you're out.

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The coconut oil, chia seeds, protein bars, and Omega Three seed mix in your food cupboard shout "fad diet". But we know about the mountain of Mars bars and Pringles in your treat cupboard too.

7. And we pay attention to what you're reading too.

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Which means we know when it takes you six months to finish a book.

8. We mess around with the order of your cuddly toys to see if you'll notice.

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And we laugh when you change their order back.

9. We're basically immune to your grossness.

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You'd be surprised how many skid marks and used condoms we see.

10. We judge you by what's stuck to your fridge.

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And if it's fridge poetry, it ain't good.

11. And by how long you leave cards up.

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If your Valentine's Day card is still up in August...

12. We're in awe of those of you who have an alphabetised CD or vinyl collection.

Where you find the time, we'll never know.
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Where you find the time, we'll never know.

13. We know when you purposely leave stuff out just to test how well we clean.

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If there's a hair near the ceiling, we know it didn't get there on its own.

14. And we know you don't use all your cookbooks.

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There are no food stains on them!

15. We wonder why you own such a high spec vac cleaner and a mail order steam mop.

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They're pristine, pricey, and untouched.

16. Or why you bother writing a cleaning rota.

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You never stick to it!

17. And we'll never understand why you invested in a Nutribullet.

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Be honest: You've used it twice.

18. Cleaning an oven is bloody hard work.

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It takes highly toxic stuff which, if it spilled on your floor, would create a tunnel to Australia.

19. And we don't use the ecologically sound cleaning products that you give us.

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We use our stuff and then put your stuff over it so it smells like we are saving the planet in your good name.

20. We're jealous of all your Lonely Planet guidebooks.

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You did a big Goa/India/Thailand trip in your 20s, and you still have the books to prove it.

21. And finally, your cats never play with all the expensive toys you get them.

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They eat and they sleep. That's it.