Sochi Leopard Comes Out

Sochi 'Putin' Snow Leopard Comes Out after Homoerotic encounter with Vladimir

Shock Revelation of Sochi Snow Leopard

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Shock Revelation from Sochi Leopard

I didn’t want to talk about it at first. Like a lot of four legged animals I was indifferent to the Winter Olympics. I thought that maybe it would be good for the local humans: bring a bit of money into the area. I was happy as long as I wasn’t involved.

But, no.

I like to think of myself as a fairly open wild animal. I get that you want to look at me. I know that I’m elegant. I know that the tendency is to reach out and touch me. But I’m not a fucking toy. I’m not an object. I have feelings, y’know. I have personal boundaries.

Well, I did.

Yeah. I’ve heard of Putin. I’ve definitely heard of Putin. A friend of a friend of a friend once met the horse that Putin rode on, topless. Word gets around even in the caged world.

A lot of animals were excited that he was visiting the park. A lot of them think celebrity is their ticket out of here. Get real, guys. There’s a Lynx called Laura. She’s really vain. She would do anything to get on TV. She keeps saying that Lynxes will make a come back. Yeah, Laura. Sure.

I was having a little snooze when I heard my enclosure open. I knew something was up. It wasn’t feeding time, and I already had my shots that week.

I came out of my hiding place and there he was. I nearly shit myself. There were people with cameras, laughing, and one very nervous looking woman, who I decided to shake hands with with my paw. It’s not my fault she’s got soft skin. It was only a graze.

Nobody could tell. But I was smiling.

I decided to play it cool. I knew I couldn’t attack all of them, and I was already on time-out for trying to shag one of the other boy Leopards, so I decided to get the whole circus over with.

But then it happened.

He sat next to me.

And he touched me.

It was horrible. The hairs on my paws stood on end. I was screaming on the inside, but on the outside I was keeping cool.

I said to myself, Grom, just get it over with. You’re still young. You’ll get over this.

I was mortified: all those cameras on me and him touching my head. Riding a horse topless was nothing compared to this.

I thought, your forebears made my forebears extinct. You can’t just snuggle up to me and pretend that that genocide never happened. Life doesn’t work that way.

I had just about died of mortification, until I realised that I had the last laugh. Putin didn’t realise that he was fondling a ‘mo.

Yeah. I dig other cats. So what. It’s my business.

I decided to snuggle back, because I thought that even though I live in a cage (for now) at least I can rebel in some small way, so I decided to snuggle into him a bit.

I felt a bit like a prostitute but it would give gay animals (and maybe you guys too) all over the world something to giggle about for a while; these are tough times for all of us.

Then he said that we liked each other and I thought, er, no, we don’t, so I walked away. I needed a cold shower after that ordeal. I needed to wash the smell of human off of me.

I’m not trying to be, like, a gay icon for Leopards. I don’t think I could shoulder that kind of responsibility. I’m just a regular guy who likes other snow leopard guys. It’s just not my scene. I’ve been approached by a few different agencies wanting to buy my story, but I’ve turned them down. I’ve seen King Kong. I know what you people do to animals. So, no thanks. You can’t make a leopard change who they are, spots and all.

Oh, and I resent being the ‘Putin Leopard’. The name is Grom, bitches.