99 Thoughts I Had While Watching "Captain America: Civil War"

    This post contains spoilers so if you haven't seen Captain America: Civil War, you may want to avoid reading beyond this point.

    1. This theater is so packed. I pray the baby behind me doesn't cry.

    2. OMG. OMG. OMG. It's starting!!

    3. Bucky!! Those long, luscious locks look good on ya.

    4. Stop torturing my precious Bucky!

    5. OK, that car scene was weird. What's happening?!

    6. I see Elizabeth Olsen's accent is still very bad.

    7. But I adore Scarlett Witch, so I guess I'll deal with it.

    8. I love how they're all just casually having coffee. Superheroes, they're just like us!

    9. OK, this shit just got so real so fast.

    10. Wanda and Falcon make a GREAT fucking team! Yaaass!

    11. Yessss, create this gaseous-looking tornado Wanda! I live!

    12. Oh fuck, Black Widow is kicking ass.

    13. OMG, did he just throw her into a HOLE?!

    14. If Black Widow Dies I will die RIGHT in this damn theater.

    15. Oh thank goodness. Whew.

    16. There is so much happening. My heart can't take it.

    17. Oh, Captain America is so screwed without that shield.

    18. Black Widow's fight scenes are so amazing. Like, I wanna take fighting classes now.

    19. Oh jeez, don't drop that tiny vile!

    20. Bless Redwing for saving the day.

    21. OK, someone needs to help out Captain America...because he's weaponless.

    22. Oh, thank goodness Wanda is here.

    23. Oh no, wait...wait WANDA.


    25. I am emotionally spent already. This movie is destroying me.

    26. Wow, definitely here for this younger version of Tony Stark.

    27. BARF is a very cool acronym, IMO.

    28. Oh no, even just seeing Pepper Potts' name on a screen renders Stark speechless.

    29. Hi, Alfre Woodard.

    30. Is she about to KILL him?!

    31. OK, this film has me on edge.

    32. A little unfair to blame Stark for the death of her son, but OK. I get it.

    33. I love how Vision just glides through walls so casually.

    34. Also, Vision is very attractive? Why do I feel these things?!

    35. I am firmly #TeamCap.

    36. But this little montage of previous battles in New York, Sokovia, etc. definitely make me feel like they should probably have some kind of government supervision?

    37. "Challenge incites conflict. Conflict breeds catastrophe." — Vision is so eloquent and reflective.

    38. Black Widow agrees with...Stark? Interesting.

    39. RIP Agent Carter.

    40. I was worrying about the baby behind me crying, but now I feel like crying. WHYYYY?!?!

    41. T'Challa looks so damn stately in this business suit. I'm in love.

    42. Honestly, can the camera just rest on his face for a solid five minutes? I would not complain.

    43. Nooooooo, not T'Chaka!

    44. OK, but like, how could Bucky make it from Vienna to Bucharest that quickly?

    45. He says he wasn't in Vienna but he clearly has to be lying, right? IDK.

    46. Captain America is doing the most to salvage this friendship.

    47. I feel bad for the other residents living in this building. Their stairwell is trash now.


    49. I know this is a fight scene, but I want T'Challa to claw me.

    50. I might be pregnant.

    51. I love how Bucky snagged that motorcycle. That was pretty spectacular.

    52. Hell yes to all these black superheroes!

    53. If Vision had a cooking show on TLC I would totally watch it.

    54. I do not ship Wanda and Vision. Like, AT ALL.

    55. Tony Stark always wants things to be his way or the highway, which is why I will forever be #TeamCap.

    56. OK, so Bucky was framed. :'(

    57. Who is this guy interrogating him?!

    58. My poor brainwashed child. Bucky is gonna break through the glass and hurt everyone.

    59. This guy is going through so much trouble to "see an empire fall." Just watch a documentary on Alexander the Great or something, man.

    60. Bucky is low-key sexy when he's completely unhinged.

    61. I really need to know who was in the car from this Bucky flashback scene.

    62. Ahhhh, the new Spider-Man!!

    63. I'm very happy that we don't have to see another Peter Parker origin story.

    64. I would be so pissed if I had to see Uncle Ben killed AGAIN.

    65. I literally already love this Spider-Man more than Andrew Garfield.

    66. Bleh, now we're back to Vision and Wanda. Oh, look, it's Hawkeye.

    67. I honestly didn't miss Jeremy Renner at all.

    68. Wanda, how DARE you hurt Vision!!!!

    69. So weird watching Steve kiss Peggy's niece.

    70. Paul Rudd is a magnificent, beautiful specimen and we should protect him at all costs.

    71. The battle of the year is starting! Friends against friends!

    72. "You have the right to remain silent." Peter Parker's zeal for justice is so cute.

    73. Honestly, Spidey's kicking ass like a veteran.

    74. Scarlet Witch is playing NO games. She doesn't care about friendships. 😂

    75. Poor War Machine. Ant-Man just flung him so effortlessly.

    76. T'Challa isn't here to make friends either, Hawkeye!

    77. Very astute Star Wars reference, Spidey.

    78. Thank goodness Black Widow decided to be a traitor. She should just join #TeamCap

    79. OMG, Vision, WTF.

    80. How did you hit War Machine?!?!

    81. Wow, so Bucky WAS framed. I mean, I didn't think he was that crazy, but you never know.

    82. At least Stark knows the truth now and now we can stop all of this silly in-fighting.

    83. Getting serious Prisoner of Azkaban vibes from this underwater holding place.

    84. Yaaass, go help your friends, Iron Man!

    85. OK, so...the villain is from Sokovia and he's seeking revenge.

    86. OMG, what is this video about to reveal?

    87. Oh shit, no no no no nooooo!


    89. This won't end well. AND STEVE KNEW. What kind of friend?!

    90. Definitely #TeamIronMan now. For sure.

    91. Bucky and Steve are both DEAD to me.

    92. T'Challa is the best character in this movie. Shout-out to him for taking the high road.

    93. I hope the people behind me don't mind that I am SOBBING!!

    94. "My father made that shield!" — That's it...I will soak in a pool of my own tears.

    95. Tony Stank is actually pretty funny.

    96. Honestly, this is a SUCKY apology, Steve! IT SUCKS.

    97. Well, at least he freed his friends from their underwater prison.

    98. "If you need me, I'll be there." — I'LL BELIEVE IT WHEN I SEE IT, STEVE.

    99. I am leaving the theater a changed man. Nothing will ever be the same.