People Who've Never Read The "Harry Potter" Books Responded Hilariously To Questions About The Series

No, Alohomora doesn't mean "hello" and "goodbye" in Hawaii.

Posted on

We asked BuzzFeed staffers from around the world a slew of questions about the Harry Potter novels. Thing is, none of them have read the books. Here are their best guesses:

1. Describe what you think Harry Potter is about in one paragraph.

Warner Bros.

"Harry Potter is a boy wizard who people want to kill and he's in love with a girl wizard but the red-headed boy wizard keeps cockblocking and Harry is like 'wtf bro.' So Harry goes through life fighting all these monsters and the whole time he's still trying to wife up the girl wizard."

"A boy with a magic scar on his head continually saves his kind without complaining or taking a nap."

"It's about this self-obsessed boy with a unique scar who's all like "omg woe is me, I'm so different and special and my family sucks" and then an owl tells him he's a wizard, which validates everything. Then he has to go to this wack boarding school where all the other kids are just as crazy so he can figure out his life. He's also always being chased with a guy who has no nose and Hermione is constantly friendzoning him. I don't think he ever figures his shit out."

"A teenager gets sent to a magic boarding school, gets a scar on his forehead, plays something called Quidditch, and that's the extent of what I've overheard."

"A story about a kid magician that somehow managed to become bigger than Star Wars with the young ones."

"A fairy tale about kids running around casting spells all day, fighting weird-looking creatures becoming wizards so they don't have to pay back tuition."

"Harry Potter is about a boy wizard who couldn't be killed by Voldemort and he must protect the magical world from Voldemort's ongoing evil."

"It's about a kid who ruins school for all his fellow students every damn year."

Correct answer: Harry Potter is about a boy who must overcome many obstacles to defeat the dark wizard named Lord Voldemort.

2. Who is this character and how did he get the scar on his forehead?

Warner Bros.

"That's Harry Potter and he got it from a lightning bolt that another hating-ass wizard threw at him."

"That's Harry; I think he got that scar when Voldemort kicked him in the head or something when he was a baby."

"Harry Potter. He got the scar from a lightning bolt straight to the forehead."

"That's Harry Potter! He got the scar when Voldemort tried to kill him as a baby. Fun fact: It's not actually in the shape of a lightning bolt — it's in the shape you make with your wand when you use the killing spell."

"That is Harry Potter; he is pretending to be Jem from Jem and the Holograms because he heard the new movie is coming out soon."

"Harry Potter — and he probably got the scar from dicking around with magic."

"Classic running-into-a-table-as-a-child situation."

"This is Henry Parker and he probably got slammed into a locker."

Correct answer: This is Harry Potter, the main character of the books, and he got this scar after Lord Voldemort tried to kill him as a child. The spell backfired, leaving Potter with a lightning bolt scar.

3. What is the name of this majestic building?

Warner Bros.

"Pottermore Manor?"

"Alex's house."

"Hogwarts, which is magically hidden from the Muggle world. It's in Scotland, I think?"

"Baby North West's playroom."

"Hogfarts. JK. I know it's Hogwarts."

"Potterland."

"Harry's castle."

Correct answer: This is Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

4. What is a Remembrall, exactly?

Warner Bros.

"It's a winged creature that follows you around reminding you of all the embarrassing stuff you've been trying to repress for years. 'Hey, remember that time you were on a date and the waitress said "Enjoy your meal" and you said "You too?" Why the fuck did you do that?'"

"A medication the students sneak to help them study."

"I want to say it's like Adderall for forgetfulness but I know it's probably a spell."

"It's like a cafeteria/mess hall/ballroom in the castle."

"'Hey Remembrall when Harry sucked his thumb?' (There's Remembrall used in a sentence.)"

"Is that the thing that reminds you to do something you needed to do? I know in one of the movies someone got something in the mail that came and yelled at Ron. Was that a Remembrall?"

"It's an anti-anxiety medication sometimes abused by college students and bored socialites."

"A hot new drug the kids are trying."

Correct answer: A Remembrall is a device that reminds someone when they've forgotten something.

5. What kind of bird is this and what is its name?

Warner Bros.

"IDK but he looks like a real-life Toucan Sam, lol."

"Ombré Joe."

"Cuckatoo Red Rooster."

"Deez Nutz."

"This is a haterclaw bird; its name is Judgey McJudgeypants."

"This is the Froot Loops bird and his name is Sam."

"That bird looks pissed AF. It's a phoenix. No clue what his name is. Probably Greg."

"An eagle-flamingo hybrid named Larry."

"The type of parrot that will develop if we keep destroying the planet. Can I call him Jerome or something?"

"An experiment gone wrong."

"It's a cameo from Alice in Wonderland; his name is LokoBird."

"It's a fake one. No actor would ever get so close to a bird that could peck his eyes out. His name is Beady Eyes 'cause his eyes are so sus."

Correct answer: This is Fawkes and he's a phoenix.

6. What kind of creature is this and what happened to this diary?

"That's a Dobby, but I only know that because a friend dressed up for Halloween like Dobby and I thought they were just a peasant. That diary looks burnt AF."

"That wrinkly baby orphan troll is a doppelgänger of my siblings. He looks like he lives in the dryer and eats your missing undergarments."

"An elf alien. Harry tried to shield his forehead with the diary during the thunder and lightning storm. It didn't work out.

"That's a house-elf. His name is Dobby and he fucking loves socks."

"Fucking Voldemort escaped from the diary, I think? Or part of him? The diary is a Horcrux???"

"It's Smeagol's cousin, preccciousssssss. Smeagol's cousin burned the diary because the nosey dementors threatened to expose him."

"It participated in the Vagina Monologues."

Correct answer: This is Dobby, a house-elf. And the diary was destroyed by a basilisk fang.

7. What is this symbol and what does it represent?

Scholastic

"I didn't know there was a cult subplot! This is their recruitment symbol? They could be doing better. I mean a crayon drawing on crumpled paper? Really? Don't you guys have magic? DO BETTER."

"Is this what a Horcrux is? It symbolizes part of a series being split into two movies in order to wring more money out of people."

"Magical anarchy."

"The triangle is the greek letter 'Delta' and a the circle with a line is a 'Phi.' So Harry Potter was in Delta Phi? Was Hogwarts actually #FratLife?"

"It's like the eye thingie in LOTR; it can see everything you do."

"It's a Strooplecrest, known also as the calling card for the white supremacist wizards. If you see this tattooed on them dudes, leave them dudes alone."

"The Hogwarts mark of the beast."

Correct answer: This is the symbol of the Deathly Hallows. The circle represents the Resurrection Stone, an item used to bring back the dead. The line in the middle represents the Elder Wand, aka the most powerful wand ever made. And the triangle represents the Cloak of Invisibility.

8. What spell would you use to conjure a Patronus?

Warner Bros.

"Contact a medium and speak to Bambi's spirit."

"Abraca-buckhunter."

"Bippitus Boppitus."

"Uhm, hocus pocus?"

"Illuminous-deer."

"Fawn Da Da Da Dawn."

"Star light, star above the trees, First a-blaze, star ever gleaming, I wish you could, I wish you would, Get your ass over here 'cause they trying me."

"Aw! Bambi got lost. Wrong movie, Bambi."

Correct answer: You need a happy thought and you say the incantation Expecto Patronum to conjure a Patronus.

9. What is this woman's name and how does she make you feel?

Warner Bros.

"Her name is Savannah A. Blanchard and she probably calls black people 'nigras' so I don't fuck with her like that."

"Eloise, and strongly unsettled."

"She's like Kitty from That '70s Show. But I guess she's Harry Potter's evil stepmother."

"Oh she's that shady bitch who made Harry cut his hand. She's rude AF."

"That's Dolores Umbridge. Tumblr really hates her."

"Mrs. Rumpleton, looks like she'd spank badass kids."

"This is Mable Honeyweenus and she makes me afraid."

Correct answer: This is Dolores Umbridge and she's possibly the most hated person in the whole Harry Potter series.

10. What's Diagon Alley?

Warner Bros.

"Basically their mall or high street, where there are bars and shopping and stuff."

"'I missed the Diagon Alley again.' (Used in a sentence.) Obviously I'm from the South."

"Harry Potter's favorite bowling alley."

"It's a place where you buy all your magical things like wands and potions but you can also buy bad things there like drugs, probably."

"A shady part of town where everyone gets fake designer bags and sunglasses."

"The place where all the cool kids hang after magic school."

"It's on page 43 of the Kama Sutra."

Correct answer: Diagon Alley is where witches and wizards go to shop, so sort of like your everyday shopping center.

11. Why are Dementors frightening?

Warner Bros.

"Because they think Trump is a great presidential candidate."

"Because they sound like the crazy shit I see when I have sleep paralysis."

"They never use sun protection nor do they hydrate properly."

"Because the first half of the name is close to 'demon'?!"

"Are those the things that you can only see if you've been 'touched by death'?"

"I hate to keep bringing this up, but why is anything scary if you have magic? Conjure a metal-and-concrete safe room or something. Geesh. These people don't have much of an imagination."

Correct answer: A Dementor is a dark creature in the wizarding world and they suck the happiness from you. They even have the power to take your soul.

12. If someone called you a "Squib," how would you react?

Warner Bros.

"Yo mama a squib!"

"Punch them in the face; that's rude."

"Punch them in the face like Hermione did. Wait, that was a 'mugblood'? I'd probably still punch them in the face though."

"WTF, bro, watch your language!"

"I would destroy everything they love, just in case."

"Thanks, girlfriend! You look cute too!"

Correct answer: Someone calling you a Squib isn't a good thing. They are people who have at least one magical parent but for some reason or another they don't display any magical abilities.

13. What do you think the following spells mean? 1. Alohomora 2. Arania Exumai 3. Avada Kedavra 4. Expelliarmus

Warner Bros.

"1. Alohomora: You send me to my favorite vacation spot. 2. Arania Exumai: You won't be able to control your bowels for 24 hours. 3. Avada Kedavra: They kill your family. 4. Expelliarmus: you become a Hogwarts dropout."

"1. It means both 'hello' and 'goodbye' in Hawaii. 2. Magically dresses you in a fly-ass Armani suit. 3. Instantly gives really painful paper cuts to all your haters. 4. Guarantees you free rent for a year."

"1. A spell to win a free, all-expenses-paid vacation to Hawaii. 2. A spell to exhume spider zombies. 3. A spell to create an enticing burlesque persona. 4. A spell to be rid of blackheads and other skin imperfections."

"OMFG. 1. Alohomora — conjuring something up? Or making it appear? It looks like 'Aloha' lol. 2. I DON'T KNOW. 3. I DO NOT KNOW. 4. I thought this was the Patronus one, but now I think it's the one you use to make evil things go away, or things you're afraid of. I feel like in one of the movies, Ron used this to make giant spiders go away."

"1. 'Bring me a drink.' 2. 'Cure my hangover.' 3. Basically the same thing as Abracadabra (??) 4. GTFO."

"1. Makes you an instant comfortable pillow. 2. Grows spiders from the ceiling. 3. Satanic heavy metal for y'all. YEAH! 4. It makes your skin softer than a cloud."

Correct answer: 1. Alohomora is used to open locked doors. 2. Arania Exumai is a spell used in the movies to blast back spiders. 3. Avada Kedavra is a killing curse. 4. Expelliarmus is a spell used to disarm someone.

14. What's his name?

Warner Bros.

"UMMMM — I know him! Gandalf????"

"Dorkus Malorkus."

"Gumphrey."

"Dr. Borington."

"SIR IAN MCKELLEN."

"Dumbledore! Question: If he's the head honcho why can't he find someone to wash his robe? Dress for the job you want, Dumbledore!"

"Merlin."

Correct answer: This is Albus Dumbledore, aka one of the greatest wizards who ever lived.

15. What does the term "Muggle-born" wizard/witch mean?

Warner Bros.

"I don't know but it sounds very discriminatory and I hope there is a SCOTUS type group in this world."

"You grew up in the rough parts of whatever area this book took place, and Muggle hard for your city."

"They were born in Muggle, the town where lizards with spider heads are born."

"It's a racial slur that the white supremacist wizards throw around."

"It means you're in for a lifetime of lying to your family, as well as cursing the fact that Hogwarts doesn't have Wi-Fi."

"Adopted."

"You were born in the backseat of an Impala."

Correct answer: Muggle-born people are witches or wizards born to people who display no magical qualities, i.e., two parents with no magical abilities somehow conceive a child who is magical.

16. Can you name these four houses?

Pottermore

"House of Dereon, House of Dereon, House of Dereon, House of Dereon."

"1. Roar-y 2. Floof-birb (my house) 3. HONEY BADGER DONT CUR 4. NOT ALL SYTHERINS ARE EVIL OK."

"The first one is Lannister. The other ones haven't appeared yet in Game of Thrones."

"Lion house, Spread Eagle house, Skunk house, Snake house."

"House Fuzzybuns, House Featherscrote, House Badgeranus, House Snakecloaca."

"Gryffindor: Those annoying kids who ask questions they know the answers to.

Ravenclaw: No one cares about them. They are dead weight riding the coattails of everyone else."

"Huff and Puff Stoners, Slytherin, Bad bitches. The Rihannas of the magic world, so to speak."

Correct answer: The houses are: Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff, and Slytherin.

17. Who are these two and what's their deal?

Warner Bros.

"They're the young version of the couple from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind."

"They're the nice insightful friends who don't get enough airtime and put up with all of Harry's crazy bullshit."

"Some Gap models who are psyched about mall brands."

"That's Harry Potter's girlfriend and cockblockin' ass Harry or whatever his name is."

"Emma Watson and Ed Sheeran."

"Hermione (Emma Watson should be my partner in crime) and Ron and they were mean to each other for a while but they ended up kissing and probably had a baby."

"Nerd Queen and Bumbling Ginger. They fall in love, obviously."

"Hermione and Ron! The geekiest people to ever bump uglies."

Correct answer: This is Ron and Hermione and they are the most adorable couple ever.

18. Who's this and what do you think happened to his nose?

Warner Bros.

"He Who Shall Not Be Named. Hannibal Lecter gave him drugs and convinced him to slice of his nose and eat it."

"I don't know, but he obviously smelled the wrong rose and it got stung off by a bee."

"He's a bad guy, I think, lost his nose to frostbite."

"Voldemort? I'm gonna guess he's in the middle of transitioning to a turtle."

"This is Archibald Milkyboot and he was a prominent Wall Street business man in the '80s, so."

"Cocaine. Cocaine happened to his nose."

"Vold, a mortician. He takes his work really seriously, and his unfortunate appearance is a result of huffing formaldehyde all day."

"He's the representation of what happens when you don't eat your vegetables AND bully everyone AND lie to your teachers thus his nose was eaten by a mean flying creature."

Correct answer: This is Lord Voldemort, the archnemesis of Harry Potter.

19. What's this animal called?

Warner Bros.

"Snuggles."

"I know this! It's a Griffinator! Or something!"

"Super-angry pigeon."

"I'm not sure, but I know it's Hagrid's!"

"Some kind of dog."

"A very big eagle named Barry."

"Eagletron 3000."

"Birdino."

"HIPPOGRIFF HELL YEAH GIMME ONE."

Correct answer: This is Buckbeak and he is a Hippogriff.

20. Who's this man and how do you feel about him?

Warner Bros.

"This is Theodore Frumblebock and he's just great."

"Guys... Snape's a fuckin' villain. You know that 'cool motive, still murder' GIF from Brooklyn 99? Well, that's fucking Snape. He's King Friendzone, who only cares about Harry BECAUSE HE'S STILL IN LOVE WITH HARRY'S DEAD MOM. HE SPENDS YEARS EMOTIONALLY ABUSING HIS STUDENTS AND THEN HARRY'S ALL 'LOL IMMA NAME MY SON AFTER HIM.'"

"His name is Snape and I always hear he's a hero or a complete ass so I'm conflicted."

"Snape? I feel like he's still regretting cheating on Emma Thompson in Love Actually so he decided to grow out his hair and teach at a magic boarding school."

"He's a minister who might be up to no good in that confessional."

"He probably secretly likes black women. Still not my type though."

"Looks like the principal, hates his job. He's contemplating his life choices with that face."

"It's Snape. All I know is that he is a bad boy with a long hair that would look great in a man bun and it's making me ~feel~ things. Also he is clearly a New Yorker wearing all that black."

Correct answer: This is Professor Snape, the potions master. He's also a character most people love to hate.

21. Any final thoughts? Reasons why you haven't watched the movies or read the books?

Warner Bros.

"I got the first HP book when I was 8 as a gift, and I was NOT interested. I wanted to read Junie B. Jones and those Disney chapter books. So I think I missed my time to enjoy it, and I haven't really been all that interested in starting again. Don't shun me, my HP fan friends!!!!"

"The only thing I can dedicate that much time to is wine, pizza, and Netflix. If the movies come out on Netflix maybe I would reconsider."

"I don't believe in magic.

"I don't get the hype!"

"I started reading Lord of the Rings at a pretty young age and TBH it was just better."

"I'm like 500 years old."

"I have tried, but fallen asleep every single time."

"Everything I know about Harry Potter I learned from Tumblr. Also, Snape killed Dumbledore."

"My dad bought me book 2 before book 1 and said, 'Here you go.'"

"I can't stand it! I just don't get it. When the books came out and everyone was all 'OMG HARRY POTTER' I was like... OK *Waka Flocka GIF*."

"Magic is great but Buffy was better."

"Wizards just really annoy me for some reason."