The original incarnation of Punk’d was amusing, but MTV made a mistake by bringing back a new Ashton Kutcher-free version last month. Rather than featuring practical jokes from a rotating cast of stars, the show should focus solely on the Internet’s most infamous prank, as performed by America’s most vocally confusing artist. The next time you hear “Never Gonna Give You Up” coming from your car stereo, it won’t be because your friend screwed with your iPod — it’ll be because Rick Astley’s hiding in your back seat.
2. Star Wars Kid
The OWN Network tried to win over viewers with a reality show about Sarah Ferguson’s attempt to reinvent herself. The problem: The American public hasn’t cared about the Duchess since 1993. Oprah needs a celebrity the 18-34 demographic can really relate to — a celebrity like Star Wars Kid. The heartwarming reality show Star Wars Kid Strikes Back would focus on his quest to prove he’s more than just a chubby kid swinging a metal pole. Expect lots of staring off into the distance while weeping and an inspiring montage of the Kid channeling his passion into fencing lessons.
3. Keyboard Cat
Okay American Idol, we get it: One in every 4,000 Americans possesses the karaoke skills required to be a one-hit wonder. However, how many felines can bang out a melody on a piano? Enter: So You Think Your Cat Can Keyboard. In this Dog Whisperer/X Factor hybrid, American pets attempt to perform today’s biggest hits. Meanwhile, Cesar Millan confronts their owners backstage about the fact that their pet doesn’t “think he’s people.”
4. Steve Buscemeyes
In this post-apocalyptic hour-long drama, a light pattern embedded in a 2 a.m. repeat of Con Air on cable causes everyone who views it to develop Steve Buscemeyes. Pandemonium breaks out, but eventually humans manage to form a new society in which people are judged by the content of their characters, not the creepiness of their eyes. Like The Walking Dead, but with more Big Lebowski references.
5. Business Cat
Not a new show, but a way to salvage The Office after half the cast exits and NBC insists on milking it for an 11th season. Business Cat is hired as the new boss at Dunder Mifflin. America finally becomes convinced that memes should stay online where they belong when an entire episode is devoted to the showdown between Dwight’s “Schrute Facts” and Business Cat’s inspirational directive, “Keep your eye on the red dot.”
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