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Which Character From Greek Mythology Are YOU?

Take the highly exciting (maybe), highly scientific (yeah, right) quiz that tells you, once and for all, which character from Greek mythology you most resemble! ...at least, until you take it again. Legal note: Results are based on characterizations established in the comedic fantasy novel Zeus Is Dead: A Monstrously Inconvenient Adventure. This test is for entertainment purposes only. List your results on a job resume or court-ordered psychological evaluation ONLY at your own risk. Any actual Greek gods taking this test should ignore any results that conflict with their egos. Please, no smiting.

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  1. 1. Of the following, which is your favorite movie?

  2. 2. Your ideal pet is closest to...

    A magnificent horse!
    A dolphin!

    They're smarter than most people I know.

    A deer!

    Free to wander the yard and say hello whenever she likes.

    A dog, of course!

    What a stupid-ass question.

    I'm not big on pets.
    A peacock!

    Pretty, and elegant.

    A rooster! Or maybe a turtle!

    Or both! Yes, both!

    Scorpions!

    LOTS. OF. SCORPIONS!

    A cat!

    Sleek, lithe, and cuddly...

    A tiger!

    Dude, my own tiger would be AWESOME!

  3. 3. You're sitting by a fountain in a city square when you see a passerby drop his wallet. Before you can do anything, he insults your hat.

    Are you most likely to...

  4. 4. What's your preferred beverage?

    Anything with alcohol!
    Fruit juice

    Especially anything 100% organic.

    BLOOD!

    Preferably that of my enemies.

    Milk

    It's good for you.

    Champagne

    Because I'm worth it.

    Coffee!

    I don't get much chance to sleep.

    It depends...

    ...on my mood at the time.

    Soda

    Or energy drinks. Anything with sugar, really.

    Just give me a good, solid beer.

    Anything else is for chumps!

    Water

    Water suits me just fine, thanks.

  5. 5. What do you like to do to relax?

  6. 6. Which of these best describes your ideal vacation?

  7. 7. What do you prefer to read?

    Romance novels
    The daily horoscope

    It's good for a laugh.

    Guns & Ammo magazine
    Anything with a strong female character
    The George R. R. Martin Wedding Planner
    Fantasy novels

    Especially ones with lots of elves.

    Read?

    Boorrrrrr-iiiiiiiiinnggg!

    Calvin & Hobbes
    Literary classics
    20,000 Leagues Under the Sea
  8. 8. An evil prince has stolen a jeweled necklace that rightfully belongs to your family.

    How do you get it back?

  9. 9. Which of these things scares you the most?

    Doves

    Flappy little bastards!

    Boredom
    Being alone
    Spiders
    Delegation
    Kansas
    Nothing! NOTHING AT ALL!!!

    ...Well, bunnies.

    Sealed boxes containing a cat and a poison set to be released upon the radioactive decay of a single atom.
    Prohibition

    (or inhibition)

    Republicans
  10. 10. Of the following, which was your favorite subject in school?

    Astronomy
    Lunch!
    Home economics
    Eye-gouging 101

    a.k.a. "metal shop"

    Health class
    Dating!

    What? It's a subject!

    Physical education

    If you can dodge a bazooka, you can dodge a ball!

    Economics

    It's all about the money...

    Government studies
    Biology
  11. 11. Which of these irritates you the most?

    Idiots who disrespect me!
    Getting caught.
    People who double-park!
    Clear-cut logging!
    When I'm looking good and no one compliments me!
    People who've never even TRIED a pomegranate!
    Relax, man, it's all good!
    Questions.
    People who sing off-key.
    EVERYTHING!
  12. 12. Pick your favorite monster:

    A vampire
    A werewolf
    The Kraken
    A succubus
    The Lock Ness Monster
    Time
    A dragon
    A banshee
    The ever-present threat of nuclear war
    ME!

Which Character From Greek Mythology Are YOU?

You got: The Fates

The mysterious Three who spin, measure, and cut the threads of life You are patient. Aloof. An enigma. You know things. Things about people. Things about the world. Things about time. And you know that there is no spoon. All that must happen shall happen, with or without help from you, so you are content to let it happen, observing from the wings, and not getting involved. Also, you really, really, really like sewing. Like, a LOT. Read more about The Fates (Clotho, Lachesis, and Atropos) in Zeus Is Dead: A Monstrously Inconvenient Adventure, now available in paperback and ebook!

The Fates
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You got: Apollo

God of the Sun, Healing, Prophecy, Truth, Light, Music, Literature, Gelatin Desserts, Archery—look, a freaking lot of stuff, okay? You're an artist. Also, you're an overachiever. Admit it. But that's a good thing! You get things done, and you neither shirk responsibility nor abide those who do. Okay, so sometimes it means you don't really get a lot of free time, but if you don't do this stuff, then who will? Just ease up before you have a heart attack, eh? Read more about Apollo in Zeus Is Dead: A Monstrously Inconvenient Adventure, now available in paperback and ebook!

Apollo
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You got: Hera

Queen of the Gods. Also Goddess of Women, Childbirth, Marriage, and (for some reason) Peacocks. You're an authority figure, and you're good at it, so let everyone give you the respect that's your due. Stern, no-nonsense, and beautiful, you're not afraid to mete out punishment to those who deserve it. Nothing too harsh, of course, but enough to make sure they learn their lesson. Through your tough love, you'll improve both the world and those in it. ...whether they like it or not. Read more about Hera in Zeus Is Dead: A Monstrously Inconvenient Adventure, now available in paperback and ebook!

Hera
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You got: Poseidon

New King of the Gods. Also God of the Sea, Horses, and Motorcycles You're spontaneous! You're exciting! Of all the words that could be used to describe you, "dull" is not one of them. Your moods, like the ocean (for which you may also have a thing), can change on a whim, but isn't that what moods are for? Besides, when a person loves speed as much as you, you've got to be ready to change direction on a dime! Freedom is one of your most prized possessions. YOUR freedom, that is. People under you? Well they'd just better do what you say, otherwise some bad stuff is about to go down... Read more about Poseidon in Zeus Is Dead: A Monstrously Inconvenient Adventure, now available in paperback and ebook!

Poseidon
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You got: Ares

God of War and Chaos Like the things you value, you're solid, you're strong, and you don't put up with any guff. Granted, you might also be ill-tempered, quick to anger, and dangerous, but no one ever scared off a burglar by being gentle, did they? If things come to blows (and with luck, they will), you're the one everyone wants in their corner, and you can't make an omelet without breaking some eggs. ...a LOT of eggs, in fact! It's fun to break stuff! Plus nothin' beats a really BIG omelet. Or something. Read more about Ares in Zeus Is Dead: A Monstrously Inconvenient Adventure, now available in paperback and ebook!

Ares
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You got: The Erinyes

Those who wreak vengeance (a.k.a. The Furies, The "Kindly Ones", or "Holy Crap, RUN!") Damn. Seriously? Wow, that's some temper you've got on you. The Erinyes were born out of the blood spilled from the castration of Zeus's grandfather, so their perpetual violent crankiness is understandable. What's YOUR excuse? On the plus side, if you can find a career in line with your avenging temperament, you'll be happy for the rest of your life. Try torturer. Or perhaps a job at the DMV. Read more about The Erinyes (Alecto, Megaera, and Tisiphone) in Zeus Is Dead: A Monstrously Inconvenient Adventure, now available in paperback and ebook!

The Erinyes
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You got: Dionysus

God of Wine, Revelry, Frat Parties, and Casinos You're a party animal, and a firm believer that life is meant to be lived as boisterously as possible. Every day is a time to celebrate! If it's not fun, it's not worth doing! Anyone who turns the music up and drops their inhibition like it's hot is your kind of person! That, or you took this test while drunk and forgot to answer some of the questions—but then that makes you rather like Dionysus anyway, so it's all good. Read more about Dionysus in Zeus Is Dead: A Monstrously Inconvenient Adventure, now available in paperback and ebook!

Dionysus
The Simpsons
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You got: Aphrodite

Goddess of Love, Beauty, and Lust (and most of the entertainment industry.) Not only are you a champion of love and passion, you're the graceful personification of beauty. Your charm is boundless, your confidence deserved, and your smile can likely stop a train. What's more, everyone knows it. Or, at least, those who aren't deluding themselves know it. But that's okay, it's everyone else's loss if they're too jealous to see how marvelous you are. Read more about Aphrodite in Zeus Is Dead: A Monstrously Inconvenient Adventure, now available in paperback and ebook!

Aphrodite
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You got: Hermes

God of Messengers, Thieves, Merchants, and Travelers. And maybe Mischief. You love a good joke, especially the practical ones. Sneaky is your middle name, and you take pride in that. Let the others tackle problems head-on; you go for the clever route because you're smart and fast enough to not get caught. Along with all that, you're pretty good-natured, quick with a smile, and fun to be around. Not that you should ever be *trusted*, mind you... Read more about Hermes in Zeus Is Dead: A Monstrously Inconvenient Adventure, now available in paperback and ebook!

Hermes
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You got: Artemis

Goddess of the Moon, Nature, and Hunting You're a nature lover with a genuinely pleasant personality, though you find refuge in solitude. You don't waffle on decisions once you've made them, which means your loyalty, once earned, is nigh-unbreakable. Also you probably have a thing for werewolves. Read more about Artemis in Zeus Is Dead: A Monstrously Inconvenient Adventure, now available in paperback and ebook!

Artemis
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