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10 Direct-To-Video Sequels, Ranked Best To Worst

The good, the bad and the $5 bin in a broke-down Walmart...

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1. Aladdin and the King of Thieves (1996)

This movie really set the bar for Direct-To-Video sequels. It had everything you could want: Great Music, Character Development, a Positive Father/Son Relationship and a greed-whore of a Villain who gets melted with the liquified gold he’s spent the whole movie trying to obtain. Great Family Fun! It’s a big step up from it’s predecessor, “Aladdin 2: The Return of Jafar,” due to it’s pro-GLAAD showstopper, "In or Out," and a plot that’s heavier than Jonah Hill in 2012, late 2013 and mid-2014.

This movie really set the bar for Direct-To-Video sequels. It had everything you could want: Great Music, Character Development, a Positive Father/Son Relationship and a greed-whore of a Villain who gets melted with the liquified gold he’s spent the whole movie trying to obtain. Great Family Fun! It’s a big step up from it’s predecessor, “Aladdin 2: The Return of Jafar,” due to it’s pro-GLAAD showstopper, "In or Out," and a plot that’s heavier than Jonah Hill in 2012, late 2013 and mid-2014.

2. Casper Meets Wendy (1998)

Casper was great, but how do you make it better? Easy, add an adorkable Hillary Duff as a little witch, throw in some Ghosts with irritable bowel issues and BOOM- You have COMEDY GOLD. This movie showed us two things: 1) Witches and Ghosts CAN get along and 2) I’ll watch anything starring Lizzie Mcguire with a ghost side-kick whiter than Robert Pattinson’s left ankle.

Casper was great, but how do you make it better? Easy, add an adorkable Hillary Duff as a little witch, throw in some Ghosts with irritable bowel issues and BOOM- You have COMEDY GOLD. This movie showed us two things: 1) Witches and Ghosts CAN get along and 2) I’ll watch anything starring Lizzie Mcguire with a ghost side-kick whiter than Robert Pattinson’s left ankle.

3. Honey, We Shrunk Ourselves (1997)

The Honey, I Shrunk The Kids Franchise was the first stretch of movies that made me realize how badly I wanted to get shrunk on top of a kitchen table at a Cinnabon. This movie made me appreciate potassium, bananas, daddy long legs and Mila Kunis. This was also sheer karma for Dr. Zalinski. It’s like, finally you shrunk yourself after all those years you spent terrorizing your toddler and socially awkward children with a fucking shrink ray that you just fucking keep lying around.

The Honey, I Shrunk The Kids Franchise was the first stretch of movies that made me realize how badly I wanted to get shrunk on top of a kitchen table at a Cinnabon. This movie made me appreciate potassium, bananas, daddy long legs and Mila Kunis. This was also sheer karma for Dr. Zalinski. It’s like, finally you shrunk yourself after all those years you spent terrorizing your toddler and socially awkward children with a fucking shrink ray that you just fucking keep lying around.

4. Leprechaun: In The Hood (2000)

There’s not many movies that include the line, “A Friend with Weed is a Friend Indeed” right before a 3-ft Ginger smokes a bowl with Ice-T; which is precisely why Leprechaun takes the number four spot on this list. Sure, I’ve seen movies before, but those movies didn’t have a tiny, red-headed gold-mongerer scream, “Look at all these glittering goods – I’ve got more loot than Tiger Woods!” Strangely enough…. I feel like that was always the one thing missing in my life.

There’s not many movies that include the line, “A Friend with Weed is a Friend Indeed” right before a 3-ft Ginger smokes a bowl with Ice-T; which is precisely why Leprechaun takes the number four spot on this list. Sure, I’ve seen movies before, but those movies didn’t have a tiny, red-headed gold-mongerer scream, “Look at all these glittering goods – I’ve got more loot than Tiger Woods!” Strangely enough…. I feel like that was always the one thing missing in my life.

5. Bring it On: All or Nothing (2006)

Who would have ever thought that Hayden Panettiere and Solange Knowles would have more Chemistry than a 7th grade level Science class taught by Jesse Pinkman? I sure didn’t, which is why I watch this movie whenever I lose faith in the world. The best part about this movie is the part Hayden teaches everyone how to “Krump;” which basically looks like someone is having sex and having a stroke at the same time.

Who would have ever thought that Hayden Panettiere and Solange Knowles would have more Chemistry than a 7th grade level Science class taught by Jesse Pinkman? I sure didn’t, which is why I watch this movie whenever I lose faith in the world. The best part about this movie is the part Hayden teaches everyone how to “Krump;” which basically looks like someone is having sex and having a stroke at the same time.

6. Lion King 2: Simba’s Pride (1998)

The movie follows the story of Scar’s son, Kovu and his quest for acceptance upon the Pride lands, because apparently this is a theme Disney felt the need to explore?!? But it’s like- hold on, Scar’s son? This movie just prompts too many questions: What depraved lunatic slept with Scar? Is this movie about race? If I have a scar, will my son be born with a scar? Why are brown lions bad? IS THIS MOVIE ABOUT RACE?!

The movie follows the story of Scar’s son, Kovu and his quest for acceptance upon the Pride lands, because apparently this is a theme Disney felt the need to explore?!? But it’s like- hold on, Scar’s son? This movie just prompts too many questions: What depraved lunatic slept with Scar? Is this movie about race? If I have a scar, will my son be born with a scar? Why are brown lions bad? IS THIS MOVIE ABOUT RACE?!

7. Beauty and the Beast: The Enchanted Christmas (1997)

This is basically what happened when Disney ran out of hundred dollar bills to wipe the imported chocolate from Colombia off their face. The movie takes place in the winter, right before Gaston tries to kill Belle and the Beast (obviously due to their violation of France’s ‘No Beastiality’ Law.) Anyways, the villain in the movie is a talking piano named Forte, which makes sense because the whole time you’re wishing one would fall on you.A piano.You wish that a piano would fall on you.

This is basically what happened when Disney ran out of hundred dollar bills to wipe the imported chocolate from Colombia off their face. The movie takes place in the winter, right before Gaston tries to kill Belle and the Beast (obviously due to their violation of France’s ‘No Beastiality’ Law.) Anyways, the villain in the movie is a talking piano named Forte, which makes sense because the whole time you’re wishing one would fall on you.

A piano.

You wish that a piano would fall on you.

8. George of the Jungle 2 (2003)

George of the Jungle usually has trouble missing trees, but this time, he missed the mark. This movie is so mind-numbingly awful, you’d think you were watching a Fox News segment on Same-Sex marriage. Also, why is Rita from Dexter wearing in this movie, wearing jungle print of all things? IS THAT THE KID FROM 2 and 1/2 MEN, WHY DID THIS HAPPEN? EVERYTHING HURTS

George of the Jungle usually has trouble missing trees, but this time, he missed the mark. This movie is so mind-numbingly awful, you’d think you were watching a Fox News segment on Same-Sex marriage. Also, why is Rita from Dexter wearing in this movie, wearing jungle print of all things? IS THAT THE KID FROM 2 and 1/2 MEN, WHY DID THIS HAPPEN? EVERYTHING HURTS

9. Land Before Time 2 – 13 (1994- 2007)

I can’t wait until I have grandkids so I can tell them, “Kids, when I was your age, a soft-ass dinosaur named Little Foot managed to get 13 direct-to-video sequels.” Don’t get me wrong, I love the first movie. Sharptooth was such a great villain – killing more Mom’s than a dozen Long Island Ice Teas. He was what made the first movie great and he’s nowhere to be seen in the sequels. Does the asteroid hit in The Land Before Time 14? Would it be called, “The Land After Time” or just “A Sad 90 Minutes For Kids?”

I can’t wait until I have grandkids so I can tell them, “Kids, when I was your age, a soft-ass dinosaur named Little Foot managed to get 13 direct-to-video sequels.” Don’t get me wrong, I love the first movie. Sharptooth was such a great villain – killing more Mom’s than a dozen Long Island Ice Teas. He was what made the first movie great and he’s nowhere to be seen in the sequels. Does the asteroid hit in The Land Before Time 14? Would it be called, “The Land After Time” or just “A Sad 90 Minutes For Kids?”

10. Air Bud: Spikes Back (2003)

This easily could have been “Seventh Inning Fetch,” but a movie about a golden retriever who plays baseball is so nonsensical, it would be better for my brain if I just pretended like it doesn’t exist. Like, if I actually try to wrap my head around why a movie studio thought there was a demand for dogs shitting all over a baseball diamond, I feel like I would just immediately grow a tumor.

This easily could have been “Seventh Inning Fetch,” but a movie about a golden retriever who plays baseball is so nonsensical, it would be better for my brain if I just pretended like it doesn’t exist. Like, if I actually try to wrap my head around why a movie studio thought there was a demand for dogs shitting all over a baseball diamond, I feel like I would just immediately grow a tumor.

DisHonorable Mention: 101 Dalmatians 2

What are you new?! Name it 102 Dalmations, you simple shit.

What are you new?! Name it 102 Dalmations, you simple shit.

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