1. Always wear makeup, especially to give birth.
2. Always blame your bad driving on other things.
Also, embrace your road rage.
3. Never talk about your diet, unless it involves eating EVERYTHING.
4. Say NO to plastic surgery, and YES to blood facials.
5. If you can't dance, DANCE.
Bonus Kris tip No. 1: If you can't dance OR rap, get your crew to help you.
Bonus Kris Tip No. 2: If you're going to dance like your kids, only do it with an equally old and equally awkward counterpart.
6. It's completely acceptable to make fun of your parents, especially your mom.
Unless you don't have to because she's already really embarrassing on her own.
7. Snooping has no limit and is full proof that girls are smarter than guys.
8. Work out to feel good and to sexually traumatize your boyfriend.
9. When it comes to hair makeovers, remember cause and effect: For every mental cause, there's a physical effect.
10. Don't trust pretty preteens.
Bonus tip: You don't need people's trust when you've got good genes.
11. Vacation is a time to relax...
...and bum around.
Bonus tip: Record every detail of your vacation.
12. If you're unhappy with yourself, take it out on the people you're most jealous of.
13. Nobody's perfect, not even royalty.
Well... unless you're THE Queen Bey.
Then you're perfect in every way and everyone who encounters you must bow in the presence of greatness. (Kanye reference intended.)