The 5 Stages Of Bath-Time Grief

    The inevitable course of mourning experienced by all pets when forced to face the sad, sad fate of cleanliness.

    Okay, so you've gotten into a bit of a mess. It happens. Sometimes you just have to get a little dirty.

    I mean really, sometimes the messes you find yourself in actually find YOU. It's just unavoidable.

    At the end of the day, however, this level of grime means only one thing: BATH TIME. Let the emotional roller-coaster begin.

    1. The first stage of bath-time grief is Denial. As the tub starts to fill with water, your natural instinct is to avoid the inevitable.

    Even as you get forced unceremoniously into the bubbles, you cannot fathom that this is happening to you. The world suddenly seems meaningless. You are numb.

    Remember that denial is a very natural reaction to bath-time trauma. Your first line of defense in the face of such loss is to push it away from your consciousness.

    2. Stage two of bath-time grief is Anger. You've accepted that this is happening, but you're not happy about it.

    You feel the need to lash out against those closest to the event that has caused you pain. Your humans are the logical recipients of this wrath.

    Remember that the anger you feel is a result of your desire to make sense of what's happening to you. You are wet and you are alone. It's only natural to want to destroy those who have done this to you.

    3. When Anger subsides, the third stage of bath-time grief is Bargaining.

    In your moments of despair, you will do anything to make the suffering stop.

    You beg. You plead. You do tricks. Desperation, thy name is hygiene.

    4. After bargaining, the next stage of grief is Depression.

    You are thinking in terms of the present, realizing the magnitude of your hardship. You are, indeed, in a tub.

    You are covered in bubbles. You are forced to abandon your natural scent and learn to move on without the dirt that gloriously adorned you.

    You feel empty.

    Your sadness feels endless.

    Remember that sadness is a healthy and normal part of coping with this difficult time in your life. Facing your unhappiness will help you come to terms with your situation.

    5. Which leads to the final step in bath-time grieving: Acceptance.

    A common misconception regarding Acceptance is that the bather is suddenly all right with what is happening. This is not true.

    Instead, Acceptance is a coming-to-terms with one's cleanliness. Though in the tub, you are able to reach a sense of peace with the loss that has befallen you.

    In a way, you have resigned yourself to your soapy fate.

    But don't think of Acceptance as defeat! You are simply finding a way to reconcile with the cleanliness that has befallen you.

    Try to enjoy it!

    Soon you'll be snuggled up in a fluffy towel, comfy and warm.

    And you'll be looking better than ever!

    So the next time your human decides it's bath time, think not of the terror you might be feeling, but the bravery and acceptance you will experience as you find peace with the water washing o'er you. And embrace the fluff. Always embrace the fluff.