Wives Are Sharing Brutal Truths About Marrying Men, And I'll Stick To Having Cats, Thanks
"It’s funny how so many men act like they’re the ones losing by getting married. They literally get a free secretary, baby-mill, caretaker, and housekeeper — and they’re the ones complaining they lost their freedom."
Marriage can be a beautiful and loving institution, but unfortunately, in many hetero relationships, women often end up with the short end of the stick. Recently, u/zealousideal-tale488 asked the women of Reddit to share brutal truths about marriage that aren't always talked about, and their responses were certainly illuminating. Here's what they had to say:
1."Wives are more likely to get left by their husbands when diagnosed with terminal or seriously life altering illness. Self-reported reasons include, 'I don’t want to take care of her for the rest of my life,' 'I have needs she won't be able to meet while sick,' and 'I don’t want to go broke paying for all her medical bills.'"
2."Pregnancy and childbirth are horrendous on a woman's body and can be used by abusers as a control tactic to make it harder for her to leave. Honestly, ladies, if he's pushing you to get a bun in the oven earlier than you would like to, think about what other controlling behavior you might be brushing off or excusing."
6."Think about the worst things that can befall a married couple/family: infidelity, death of a child, severe illness, disability, job loss, bankruptcy, etc. More than one of these will happen over the course of your marriage. Do you see your partner managing them? What about you?"
7."Waiting for marriage to have sex is a valid choice. And there are (or can be) good reasons to wait. But what's often promised is a happy and lasting marriage and/or an amazing sex life if you wait (and misery and divorce if you don't). Neither marriage nor human sexuality work that way. A happy marriage and a great sex life take work from both parties involved to cultivate, and they're not some divine or karmic reward for playing by the rules."
8."You can throw 100% of yourself into trying to make your marriage work, but if your partner doesn’t contribute or contribute ENOUGH, your marriage can still fail. Your very best isn’t enough to ensure a long and happy relationship — it takes two."
10."If you’re not on the same page in terms of financial behaviors — not beliefs, behaviors — it will be extra hard, if not impossible, to achieve your goals."
11."Ending a marriage in divorce does not mean the marriage is a failure. I see too many people believing the length of a marriage is equal to its success. But in my opinion, the success is based on the love between the two people. My husband is my best friend. I intend to be with him for the rest of my life, but I would rather leave him and still love him than stay married while hating him."
12."It’s funny how so many men act like they’re the ones losing by getting married. They literally get a free secretary, baby-mill, caretaker, and housekeeper — and they’re the ones complaining they lost their freedom. Women are the ones expected to base their whole identity around their marriage, in some cases even expected to go through the pain in the ass of changing their name. They risk losing their social life if he is the type to not wanna look after his own kids, resulting in her having to do all the childcare instead of seeing her friends ever. When I hear a man complain how his wife always yells at him for going out with his bros, I have to wonder how often he stays home with the kids so she can go hang out with her friends. Hmmm, so which spouse is the actual ball and chain here?"
13."As people age, they change. So do their values, desires, and needs over time. People mature and get to know themselves. What they need now and what they need 10 years down the line might be different. You have to KEEP getting to know and KEEP learning about your spouse over time."
14."More commitment will not make your partner change for the better. Don't marry for potential."
15."Love is conditionally choosing someone every day you wake up and saying you want this relationship. Unconditional love belongs to a parent when it comes to having children or a pet. Because unconditional love has no boundaries. Conditionally, you have boundaries, which is a requirement in healthy relationships."
19."You’re going to argue. Period. If you live with someone, anyone, you’ll disagree. Make sure the person you’re with can have healthy discussions and not just arguments."
20."In many cases, you're adopting an adult baby and are expected to roll your eyes good-naturedly at his incompetence. His bad moods require your patience; your bad moods are hormonal or typical female hysteria."
21."If you haven't healed from your childhood trauma, you will bring old unhealthy patterns, habits, behaviors, and cycles into your marriage. Marriage is a commitment to wake up every day and try to make it work no matter how hard. If even one person stops trying, the marriage will slowly deteriorate."
22."You will miss the attention you got as a single woman. I miss dating. And how good it felt to be chased by men. I miss the thrill."
23."My biggest lesson has been that the same 'fix it' mentality that helps me so well in the workplace where we identify a problem and brainstorm solutions fails horribly in a romantic relationship. First, I need to connect with my partner, and we need to talk about what we appreciate about one another and get into this appreciative, tender space. THEN we can tackle whatever the problem is, collaboratively."
25."At some point in your marriage, there will be a need to look at your partner's butthole for a medical issue. You will both survive."
26."The marriage that you have kids with is unlikely to be the one you retire with. Marriage is hard. Who you are pre-kids is often not who you are post-kids. It's the combo of age and how you show up in parenting. I know very few people who have raised kids and now are still in the same marriage when their kids are teens or heading off to post secondary. Just don't think there is any way to prep yourself for how goddamn life-changing having kids is as a woman. From how the world sees you, to your own time, to the invisible labor that inevitably falls to you."
27."If he lies to everyone else but you because you have a 'special' relationship, you're lying to yourself, and he is lying to you just like everyone else. I wish I had known this MUCH SOONER. Those lies are not just childish imperfections that he'll grow out of. LIES ARE A CHARACTER TRAIT that is not just eradicated when it comes to you because your love is special. IT'S ALL A LIE; he's lying to you, too. Don't get me wrong, you can be enormously happy in your little love bubble, but for one minute, don't convince yourself that you're special and the only one he's not lying to. If he's lying to other people, he's also lying to you."
28.And finally, "No one gets married thinking that they're going to get divorced, but 50% of couples do, so you need to prepare for the possibility. Have a prenup if one or both of you have substantial assets, have some money saved that's only in your name (even if it's a small amount), keep in mind the possibility that you may have to some day reenter the workforce if you're a stay-at-home parent, and the list goes on. Being prepared for divorce won't make your marriage fail; it'll just mean that you're prepared if it does."
Is there anything you would add? Share your brutal marriage truths in the comments.