22 Things On The 2023 Goop Holiday Gift Guide That Simply Can't Be Serious

    Gwyneth, what are you doing, I just want to talk...

    I have a deep and abiding fascination with Gwyneth Paltrow's lifestyle and wellness brand Goop. Whether it's promoting the merits of steaming one's vagina (spoiler alert: there are no merits and you shouldn't do this) or advertising luxury diapers that cost $120, Goop always keeps me guessing as to what weird and wild thing they'll cook up next.

    Gwyneth Paltrow looking up thoughtfully

    And when the holiday season rolls around, Goop's gift guides are a special kind of absolutely bizarre. Come along with me on a journey through some of the most inexplicable rich people stuff I've ever seen:

    (And no, this isn't sponsored by Goop. I'm just fascinated by the things people choose to spend their money on. I also wouldn't be mad if you, dear reader, shipped me the cheese tower in #16. Happy holidays/eat the rich!)

    1. This backgammon set priced at over $14,000 costs more than my car. I think you could actually buy two or three of my cars for this price (to be fair, I drive a beater from the '90s, but still).

    a beautiful backgammon set inlaid with mother of pearl cranes

    2. I have so many questions about this 24 karat gold vibrator that I'm not even sure where to start, and I'm afraid to google any of them on my work computer.

    a gold vibrator in a velvety case priced at $15,000

    3. Same for these 14 karat gold-plated handcuffs.

    gold handcuff chains priced at $250

    4. As a millennial who will most likely never own my own home, the idea of buying someone AN ENTIRE CUSTOM CABIN as A GIFT makes me kinda want to run screaming into the wilderness and never come back?? But also, if this is your gift-giving style, hit me up!

    a cabin under a big tree price range from $20,000 to $1,000,000

    5. Or there's this stay at a villa that costs $27,000 per night.

    a poolside villa

    6. These $5,125 Chanel roller skates that exist for some reason. I just feel like there shouldn't be a comma in the price for a pair of skates.

    sneaker style chanel roller skates

    7. As a life-long book hoarder, I'm still trying to get my head around this library curation service.

    Library curation the founder will create a collection tailored to your chosen aesthetic and theme, price upon request

    8. I don't know who needs to see this, but this Hermés doghouse would be the perfect gift for George Santos this year.

    dog house with the Hermes logo on the side priced at $1925

    9. The Goop gift guide for men is home to such everyday household necessities as this $199 saber for cutting into bottles of champagne.

    a saber

    10. And this very masculine all-terrain candle.

    candle shaped like an all terrain vehicle priced at $135

    11. I feel like even the Goop editors know that this $73,000 Louis Vuitton wardrobe for literal infants is just absolutely wild.

    miniature wardrobe captioned yes, really

    12. Also on the kid's gift guide, a $285 diary. I must admit that it is extremely cute on the inside, and I would be tempted to buy it for myself if it was only, like, 1/10 of the price.

    a diary

    13. This luxury ball pit, perfect for the sad beige child who dreams of splashing around in a pool full of pearls.

    inflatable ball pit full of pearlescent balls priced at $199

    14. Or if that's too plebeian for your toddler's taste, there's always this Hermés rocking horse.

    wooden rocking horse priced at $3475

    15. I'm 99% sure I could crochet a dupe of this $525 water bottle holder in the time it takes to watch 1.5 episodes of Gilmore Girls.

    crocheted cotton bottle holder

    16. God help me, but I now covet this tower of cheese.

    tower of cheese priced at $165

    17. This necklace that'll have people saying, "Cute necklace," to which you can reply, "Thanks! It's a vibrator."

    $165 gold necklace

    18. Then there are these luxury fireplace tools for that rich person on your list who loves to cosplay as a scullery maid.

    dust pan, brushes, and other fireplace tools priced at $795

    19. Don't worry, there are also some wild options under $100, like this pack of two sheet masks that costs almost $50 a pop.

    sheet mask made with bakuchiol, hydrolized collagen, niacinamide and hyaluronic acid

    20. Or these, um, I guess you'd call them ball supplements??

    packet of supplements called balls in the air priced at $54

    21. For the billionaire on your list who's not quite ready to go to space, there's this zero gravity flight experience.

    woman floating in a plane zero g experience priced at $9070

    22. And finally, these escargot picks in a snail-shaped holder that kinda looks like something else to me...

    snail shaped picks arranged in a phallic-looking container

    Okay, I have to go lay down now. Byeeee!

    Dan Levy in Schitts Creek saying I for one blame Gwyneth