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18 Real Ugly Truths About Modern Dating That You Have To Deal With

It's 2014. Dating ain't getting easier.

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1.

en.wikipedia.org

You eventually have to see the person you've been texting and sexting...in person. Hiding behind a phone or computer is only prolonging the inevitable. The modern womyn or myn can only take so much digi-talk before they're gonna want to see your physical body. Annoying? Sure, but you gotta get used to it.

2.

en.wikipedia.org

You're gonna have to have some sex. It's gross. It's frustrating. Boners have to stay up and vaginas have to stay wet. For lack of a better term: It's work. Sex fluids will get on, and stain, your stuff (and I'm not talking about fun fluids either (I'm looking at you Gatorade!)). It's an uncomfortable practice that doesn't seem to be going anywhere fast.

3.

commons.wikimedia.org

A baby may come from it. Babies, the sweaty lima beans with eyes that come from sex, are getting to be popular with folks who date. You barely have enough money for dating and now you have to look after a thing that's a consequence? No one said dating was gonna be easy.

4.

en.wikipedia.org

The expectation to give oral sex in public is at an all time high. Is your mouth tired from talking? Got some good gum in your mouth that you don't want to spit out because there's tons of flavor still left in it? Been clenching your teeth from doing all that pure Molly? Too effin' bad. If you're not going down on your partner at every conceivable moment, prepare yourself for some sideways glances. Might as well start calling yourself "The Plaintiff" because you're gonna get JUDGED!

5.

Flickr: blakejohnson

Your significant other may or may not eventually meet your parents. It sucks a ton but that's the way it's gonna play out. One day, they don't know Mr. And Mrs. Your-Last-Name and then the next day *BOOM* they totally do. Or this may not happen. Either way...like come on, right?

6.

commons.wikimedia.org

There's a bold assumption when it comes to sharing your personal effects. When you enter into a relationship, the person you're romantically involved with may start dropping hints like "Hey, can I have some popcorn?". This is a slippery slope to things like "Hey, can I have some more popcorn?". Do you love your popcorn all for you? You may really want to give that particular idea some thought before you enter into an unspoken bond with another human being.

8.

Flickr: 49889874@N05

You'll have to give up all your social media passwords to the person you're seeing. Maybe not right away, maybe not for a few weeks, but prepare for it. If your romantic involver wants to know what ******* is, the social contract you two have entered into demands you hand it over. You're not allowed to be stingy with the capitalization either. Security is becoming a thing of the past no thanks to dating.

10.

huffingtonpost.com

Sexting is making some of your favorite words obsolete. "Fetid" and "Halcyon" are losing their rampant use very much in part due to needless abbreviations in sext messages. "Lassitude" for example has simply become "L@$". Soon, we'll lose that one all together. Our native language is beginning its slow descent into decay. Good job, modern dating. Way to f**k us.

11.

buzzfeed.com

It's so hard to know truly how someone feels about you. No one is upfront anymore. Do they "like" you? Or do they "like like" you? Or do they "like...like like" you? Perhaps they "like, like: Likelike like; like!?" you. Good luck deciphering that, Columbo.

12.

commons.wikimedia.org

Dating Justin Bieber may happen. It's bizarre to think that Justin Bieber isn't out of reach. Oddly, he's completely datable. He's a human just like you and I. You might just wake up one day and find him squatting over you in your bed just tussling your hair and saying "I'm so glad we are together". Would you be able to handle that? I sure hope so because there's a very good chance this will happen to you or one of your close friends.

14.

en.wikipedia.org

You NEED to know about "fracking". It's a hot, personal topic that will always come up sometime in the relationship. Take a stance on it. It doesn't matter which side you take but be well read about it. Your partner will know if you don't know your stuff and it will certainly lead to disaster if you're not knowledgable on the subject.

15.

thewhizzer.blogspot.com

You'll never see your favorite teacher ever again. When you start dating someone new, they become your "eternal teacher". Remember Mr. Fitzgibbons? Your 8th grade Earth Science super sub who "taught you what it meant to live"? Or Mrs. Carr? Your junior year Ethics lecturer who took all your burning questions about ethical quandaries without even blinking? Contact = cut. They are gone from your life. If you make contact, that's considered grounds for cheating.

17.

Flickr: lorenjavier

Steakhouses have become standard first date locations. If you don't take a date to a steakhouse your first time out – good luck getting a second date, loser. Also, the Rainforest Cafe has become the standard for second date locations. There's a dwindling number of them so even if you get that coveted 2nd date, getting that 3rd date may be just out of reach simply due to a lack of a theme restaurant.

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