1. Rick Santorum: “The Family Values Burger”
All-Beef Burger, Totally-Not-Gay Special Rainbow Sauce, Fairy Sprinkles on a Bun
“We all know how Ricky feels about the gays, which is why I created this completely family- and kid-friendly burger, perfect for you’re whole family to enjoy! You’ll taste the sanctity of traditional marriage in every bite!”
2. Mitt Romney: “The $10,000 Burger”
Premium American Wagyu Beef Burger, New England Aged Cheddar, Black Truffel, Elitist Massachusetts Greens on a Brioche Bun
“A burger this luxurious only seemed appropriate for the former business executive. And as long as we’re all protected under Romney-Care, why not have two?”
3. Newt Gingrich: “The Open Relationship Burgers”
All-Beef Burger with Mayo and Ketchup, All-Beef Cheese Burger, All-Beef Bacon Burger
“Why have just one burger when you can have three at once? That’s why I made three nice and plump burgers for Mr. Gingrich. I think he’ll like them so much he’ll want to marry all three!”
- The Obama administration, which has been notoriously secretive about its drone policy, said drone strikes have killed up to 116 civilians.
- Nearly 70,000 people convicted of felonies but now on probation or parole are suing Louisiana for the right to vote.
- Attorney General Loretta Lynch said she'll accept FBI recommendations in the investigation of Hillary Clinton's private email servers.