Note: This post contains mentions of abuse.
Though the signs might be obvious to an outsider, it can take someone ages to realize that they're in a toxic relationship, precisely because the most unhealthy elements of their partner have become the new normal for them.
Reddit user u/Technical-Finding681 recently asked, "What did you think was completely normal in the relationship until you discovered it was abusive behavior?" Here are a few submissions from people who experienced toxic, unhealthy, or even abusive behaviors form their partner that they normalized:
1. "My husband would literally tell me he’s not going to talk to me for a week and give me the silent treatment. He would think that would make me think about what I did, then that was a free pass for him to do whatever he wanted. If I tried to reach out, I was ignored. I thought that was normal, too. When we shared a credit card, he would shut mine off sometimes (we have four kids together). It's scary what we think is normal till we’re taken out of the situation."
2. "Wanting to know exactly where I am 24/7 and with frequent (every couple of hours) check-ins."
3. "Being responsible for making sure that nothing goes wrong in the other person's life and they never have a disappointment. It turns out, that makes every disappointment or sadness my partner feels, like, my fault, even if I have no control and can't fix it. I started lying about things to protect my ex's feelings because I couldn't deal with all the blame and verbal abuse. I still have the impulse to lie to my current partner if I ever have to give bad news. A couple of months ago, I lost something he gave me and quietly replaced it. He noticed it was different last night, and I fessed up. He thought it was sweet that I liked it so much that I replaced it myself."
4. "Him constantly calling me a crybaby because I get emotional over things. Happy, sad, real, fake, TV/movie, doesn't matter. I get a teary-eyed and squeaky voice."
5. "That I always had to prove my love for him even in scenarios he made up in his own head or caused himself. If I didn't go that extra mile, if I didn't accept this new change, if I didn't forgive him, if I didn't do what he asked. It meant I didn't love him. It was a mountain I could never climb."
6. "Having sex every day even when I didn’t want to. I think that was his way of controlling me. It really took the pleasure out of it because it became a daily routine."
7. "Love bombing. Gifts? Surprise trips? Huge gestures? This person must really like me! This is going too well! Nope. All of that was to make me believe they were a great person before the abuse set in. For two years, I tried to get the 'old them' back."
8. "Having a partner who viewed everything I did as a negative reflection on him. Having someone basically police my actions and criticize everything I did that made them uncomfortable until I felt compelled to behave within a narrow profile constructed by a person who was too insecure to realize that I was never a reflection of him, but of myself."
9. "Not being allowed to go out with my friends or even family because he would 'miss me too much.' Thought it was cute at first, but my friends made me realize how possessive and jealous he was being. Thank God for those friends who stuck around."
10. "I thought that getting yelled at was normal. But I’m dating a guy now for almost a year (this weekend), and he hasn’t yelled at me yet. We've been living together for five months. I keep expecting it, but it never comes."
11. "Bringing up an issue or something that they did to hurt me, and then it being it turned around on me, and I end up being the one to apologize. Someone being completely unable to take responsibility or handle any kind of criticism, valid or gentle or not, is a huge red flag and sign of emotional abuse and narcissism."
12. "My ex would belittle my friends and make fun of them. If I challenged him, he would say, 'I’m joking. God, can’t you take a joke?' It got to the point where what he was saying was so offensive I stopped inviting my friends over. Then, he would make me feel bad for wanting to see my friends on my own and accuse me of sleeping with multiple friends (male and female). So, I stopped seeing them as it would cause arguments."
13. "Trying to get me to talk about my feelings. I thought it was a good form of communication until I realized all the feelings that I talked about became weaponized."
14. "Being talked down to, like I was dumb and couldn’t understand simple concepts. Yes, he was superficially smarter than me, but there are many other types of 'smart,' which he was not. Being book smart and knowing dates and people in history doesn’t make you a god."
15. "Something that happens to me (and seems to happen to a lot of people out there as well) is being led to believe that we’re selfish or inconsiderate for setting boundaries to protect ourselves. Ironically, the person not respecting our boundaries is actually the selfish one, to say the least."
16. "Being shamed or blamed for not having orgasms during sex."
17. "'I act this way because I love you so much.' RUN AWAY."
18. "Deliberately not fulfilling my emotional needs. And by emotional needs, I mean basic things like acting like we know each other and are in a relationship."
19. "Total control. My first boyfriend controlled everything, even the music that I listened to and the friends I talked to. I am not saying that he always requested access to my messages on social networks. I thought that it was okay because I had very controlling parents."
20. "Blocking me whenever she was tired of me asking to hang out."
21. "I thought it was a good thing for me to be apologizing all the time, and that he knew best. It was always, 'He’s so good for putting up with me,' when HE was the one who was cheating and lying; it was still me who was the one in the wrong. It becomes completely normal to just instantly assume the role of 'the bad one' and think that he is in the right."
22. "Being so open that your privacy is compromised."
23. "Weaponized incompetence. I thought my ex-husband was just kind of stupid or innocently didn't know stuff because his mom never showed him, but after a few years of teaching him the same shit over and over and over again, I realized he was doing it on purpose. 10/10 acting, though, he did fool me for quite a while with his innocent puppy eyes and the 'I'm sorry I don't know/don't remember.'"
24. "'Joking.' My ex would make 'jokes' to and at me every day. 'The dishes aren’t done today. Don’t you do anything while you’re at home?' Then, when I’d get upset: 'Oh, relax, it was just a joke.' No, it fucking wasn’t; you threw a cheap shot at me, and when confronted by my feelings or reaction to your blatant insult, you decided to hide behind it being 'a joke,' chicken shit. Now, whenever anyone cracks a joke to me, I overanalyze the shit out of it, and my anxiety skyrockets over it. It sucks."
25. "The spending my money part in the guise of 'You are providing.'"
26. "I genuinely believed it was normal to be yelled at, called hurtful things, and even threatened physically, only because my husband had a bad day or that I did something wrong (like not being ready with dinner or some house chores were not done). That I was too sensitive or not normal because I was sad and cried. Or, that it was only faulted from my side the times he got physical because the next day he would just laugh it off and be told it was just a joke and I'm too sensitive."
27. "My husband will sulk if I annoy him at all. At these times, he will only answer me in a single-syllable monotone voice. He can keep this up for a couple of hours to over a year. It used to break my heart by about the second day. Now, however, after many many years, he can go fuck himself. I'd be quite happy if he never spoke to me again."
28. "Trying to make me jealous or upset because 'it’s cute when I’m jealous/annoyed/whatever.'"
29. "That a disagreement meant a breakup. It wasn't until the most recent ex that I finally understood it wasn't normal. I was in a relationship with a hypersensitive individual, and they would threaten to break up with me if I didn't agree with them. When my ex and I had our first disagreement, I asked him if he wanted to break up, and he looked confused. 'Why would I break up with you over this?'"
