They say that laughter is the best medicine, and nothing is funnier than someone being so serious yet so, so wrong.
1. "A teacher told the super-smart kid in my school who made the dean's list in high school and college that he needed to write his social security number on a paper for graduation his senior year. He then screamed it out loud in front of the whole class. We all yelled for him to stop. He didn’t."
2. "When I was a kid, I believed that every time a song was on the radio, the artist was in the studio performing it. EVERY. TIME. I had a vision of a long-haired, mustached James Taylor in a V-neck sweater and slacks on a stool in the dark, bathed in a spotlight, singing and strumming away. I was probably 10 before I realized how stupid I was."
3. "I knew someone in middle school who legitimately thought that Chicago was in Germany."
4. "I was taking my friend to the airport and we got in a big argument because she was certain that we needed to take the arrivals lane instead of departure. Her reasoning? We are arriving at the airport."
5. "Someone told me they put the orcas at Sea World into giant plastic bags while they clean their pools like goldfish when you get them from the pet store. I wish I was kidding."
6. "Oof, I’ve got one. When I was about 13, the first Transformers movie came out and I went to watch it in theaters with my family. I have the strongest memory of walking out and saying with a voice full of wonder, 'It’s crazy that the city of Chicago would just let them destroy all these buildings for a movie.'"
7. "I’m going to start by saying that my daughter is insanely smart. She graduated high school almost a full year early and also will be graduating college early. She’s also usually very quick-witted. I'm not bragging, just giving the story context. Not long after she turned 18, she developed a headache and decided to take some Tylenol. She struggled, as usual, with the childproof cap. This time though, she got super frustrated. She kind of barked out 'What the hell is this shit? I thought it would work now!' I was intrigued, so I asked, 'You thought what would work now?' She sighed and looked at me like she just caught me peeing in the punch bowl. Then, she proceeded with the following: 'Well, I’m 18 now. I’m no longer a child. So why the hell isn’t it opening?' I had to take a beat, wondering if it would click to her what she just said. It didn’t, and I started cracking up."
8. "I was talking about how I don’t use makeup products that test on animals and this one girl responded with Aw! That must make the animals so pretty.'"
9. 'When I was in 11th grade, I was in a pre-nursing class and a girl told our teacher that her grandmother died from prostate cancer. She died from colon cancer and the girl thought the prostate was the colon."
10. "My sister-in-law (really nice but a legit, beauty school dropout) asked, at nine months pregnant, when she’d have to get her nipples pierced. After a confused pause, she explained to us that her baby would starve if she didn’t. Again, a pause. Then she got angry when we explained that is not how breastfeeding worked. She was 25."
11. "'I don't know why they want to keep putting windmills up around here. We have too much wind already.' My sister-in-law thought windmills made wind."
12. "I have boy/girl twins. When they were about four months old, I had an older lady argue with me who told me that 'There is no way they can be twins if they are boy and girl.' I finally just told her 'I was at the hospital when they were born.'"
13. "I once went out with this girl that thought tigers were just female lions. There was no second date."
14. "I knew a girl that thought that being an organ donor meant that your organs could be taken from you at any given time while you were alive. She was very opposed when at the DMV, they asked her if she wanted to be an organ donor."
15. "My mom was very confused, and actually called to complain that she had been ripped off because her new memory storage should have had 50% more storage than her old one, but it couldn’t be possible because when she checked, it still only went up to 100%."
16. "10 years ago I got my BA and at the graduation ceremony, the girl I was sitting next to leaned over to me and said, 'There sure are a lot of people with the last name 'Cum Laude.' Every single person around us turned around and looked at her in complete shock. I think about this often."
17. "One of my best friends in the world is super book smart, but in middle school, I told her that The Lion King was my favorite movie and she said, 'Is that the one about tigers?'"
18. "I remember someone thinking Feat. was a person. Like, they thought that Pussycat Dolls Feat. Busta Rhymes was three artists, like Feat. was the producer or something."
19. "I worked at a library, and when we held a viewing event for the solar eclipse, multiple people called and asked us to change the time because it didn't fit their schedule. Right. Sure. I'll just call the moon and ask it to rearrange its orbit a bit, shall I?"
20. "When I was in fifth grade, we moved from Alaska to upstate New York. One of my classmates asked me why we moved to America. I was speechless."
21. "A girl in my humanities class in college asked why all the ancient Greeks and Romans made statues without arms."
22. "When my oldest sister was getting married, I thought she was going to become our mother, and my mom would just be called grandma. I was very young, my mom was young and all of my friends' moms were young. So, I didn’t know moms could be old, only grandmas."
23. "I’ll never forget this, but this happened when I was in eighth-grade history class. This one kid in my class raised his hand and asked our teacher 'Are the Philippines people from Philadelphia?' Everyone slowly turned and looked at this kid and then after about five seconds of silence, the teacher in pure utter disgust said, 'What?'"
24. "I live in a small town and in the 90s, I was told that our town was getting a subway. And I said, 'That’s dumb, where’s it going? The high school to the grocery store?' Someone had to point out they meant the sandwich shop."
25. "'Man, I really wish there was a Blockbuster but for books.' The 90s were a time y’all."
26. "When I was really little, whenever anyone said 'The Netherlands,' I thought they were referring to Neverland from Peter Pan. It was not until I was eight years old and watched the opening ceremony of the Olympics that I figured out that the Netherlands was, in fact, a real country."
28. "I had a very intelligent friend ask me if they could borrow a calculator for a college course and then told me mine wouldn't work for her because the calculator was solar powered and it was a night class. I just looked at her until she realized what she said. I still tease her about it 25 years later."
29. "When I was in my first year of UNIVERSITY, I had a friend call from the grocery store because he was trying to make Kraft mac and cheese and the instructions said to boil salted water and he 'couldn’t find salted water anywhere in the store.'"
30. "Once, my friend and I were studying for finals during our undergrad. We started talking about potential future careers and my friend talked about going into medicine, so I asked what field of medicine. She said, 'I’ve been thinking that I want to be a pedophile.' I stared at her for a few seconds and then asked 'What?' With no hesitation, she said again 'I want to be a pedophile.' Again I went 'No wait, what?!' Exasperated, she responded, 'Like a foot doctor!' Dear reader, she meant podiatrist. She also did not end up becoming a podiatrist, but did later get a Ph.D."
32. "My ex-husband once asked me where the pink lemons were when we were at the grocery store. I said 'Pink...lemons?' He said, 'Yeah, I want to make pink lemonade for the kids.' He wasn't kidding. He was a marine who was a Korean linguist with a top secret clearance. He was 27 at the time. He believed pink lemonade was made with pink lemons, and he argued with me when I told him pink lemons didn't actually exist."
What's the most clueless thing you've ever heard someone say? Let me know in the comments!
Note: Some responses have been edited for length and/or clarity.