In the weeks since Vladimir Putin ordered the destruction of all food imported from Western countries, officials have eagerly set about the task. A little too eagerly, as seen by their use of bulldozer to destroy this cheese.
And these defenseless peaches.
I mean, they even used a bulldozer to destroy these frozen plastic-wrapped geese.
On Thursday, a group of Cossacks in St. Petersburg visited a local branch of the hypermarket chain Auchan in search of the nefarious foreign foodstuffs.
The Cossacks were led by Andrei Polyakov, best known for unveiling this bust of Putin in May.
Cossacks trace their lineage to Tsarist times, when they were feared for their sword-fighting prowess and anti-Semitic pogroms. Several of them emerged as unruly leaders of pro-Russian rebel divisions in Ukraine, squabbling even with the Russian-backed leadership. At home, however, they spend most of their time battling lesser menaces like old ladies selling mushrooms without a permit and illegally parked cars.
The Cossacks were quickly upstaged, however, by musician Stas Barestky, dressed as a gangster from Russia's turbulent 1990s.
(He also bears an uncanny resemblance to the Goombas from the notoriously terrible Super Mario Brothers movie.)
Baretsky immediately started ripping apart cans of beer with his teeth.
Baretsky is a Cossack himself, but he seems to have seen the supermarket invasion as a joke. Last month, he scared away a group of pro-Kremlin activists who protest against improperly parked cars and expired food in supermarkets with the same stunt.
The other Cossacks limited themselves to writing a letter to local authorities about improper labeling and kicked Baretsky out of the group, they told Russian radio. But fear not: Baretsky vowed to continue his quest against foreign beer on his own.
Max Seddon is a correspondent for BuzzFeed World based in Berlin. He has reported from Russia, Ukraine, Azerbaijan and across the ex-Soviet Union and Europe. His secure PGP fingerprint is 6642 80FB 4059 E3F7 BEBE 94A5 242A E424 92E0 7B71
Contact Max Seddon at email@example.com.
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