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19 Foolproof Ways To Nail A First Date

And we mean ~nail~ it. Like sex.

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1. Show up in a limousine.

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It's pretty much a scientific fact that as soon as someone sees a limo they get wicked horny. Get the biggest limo you can. Velcro two limos together. Your date will love it.


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FLOWERS ARE THE WORST! You gotta put 'em in a vase, you gotta put water in them, people will tell you to cut the stems at an angle or some shit?! UGH!!! Am I dating you, or these fussy as fuck flowers???

4. Compliment their ass.

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Everyone loves getting compliments, and everyone LOVES hearing about how good their ass looks. Definitely say something like "oh damn, is that your chilli dumper or did I wander into a museum showcasing the greatest works of arse?"


5. Grill them about their parents.

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Medical history, where they are now, what they do for a living, what they're wearing. Be inquisitive! People love to talk about their families.

6. Try not to ask if their siblings are hotter.

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This is a tricky one because if they have a hotter sibling you're gonna wanna switch BUT find out via Facebook or Instagram BEFORE the date, don't ask directly or you'll make it awkward at family reunions.


13. Make ALL the decisions.


Indecisiveness is such a turn-off so plan EVERYTHING ahead of time. Order their dinner for them, choose the movie, have a copy of your keys ready for them, schedule when you'd like to meet their parents.

14. Establish boundaries.

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Draw a line down the middle of the table. Literally draw it with like a super thick sharpie, that way there's no chance they'll reach over to eat your fries. Those are your fries. Boundaries.

15. There's no such thing as an awkward silence.

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You don't always have to fill the silence. Stare at them for 10 minutes straight. Just smile when they say something. Never offer an answer. They'll love it.

16. Order a three-course meal.

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Nothing is more impressive than seeing how much food someone can shove into their face. Bonus points if you can ask the waiter to serve all your food at once.


18. Get closer.

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At dessert time sidle up to your date and get nice and close. Especially if they ordered a better dessert than you. "Mmm hey baby, you gonna finish that creme brûlée?"