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    19 Nov 2015

    19 Foolproof Ways To Nail A First Date

    And we mean ~nail~ it. Like sex.

    by ,

    1. Show up in a limousine.

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    It's pretty much a scientific fact that as soon as someone sees a limo they get wicked horny. Get the biggest limo you can. Velcro two limos together. Your date will love it.

    2. But show up half an hour late.

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    Offer no excuse or reason, just show up when you want. Dates love being kept in suspense. Sooo mysterious!


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    FLOWERS ARE THE WORST! You gotta put 'em in a vase, you gotta put water in them, people will tell you to cut the stems at an angle or some shit?! UGH!!! Am I dating you, or these fussy as fuck flowers???

    4. Compliment their ass.

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    Everyone loves getting compliments, and everyone LOVES hearing about how good their ass looks. Definitely say something like "oh damn, is that your chilli dumper or did I wander into a museum showcasing the greatest works of arse?"

    5. Grill them about their parents.

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    Medical history, where they are now, what they do for a living, what they're wearing. Be inquisitive! People love to talk about their families.

    6. Try not to ask if their siblings are hotter.

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    This is a tricky one because if they have a hotter sibling you're gonna wanna switch BUT find out via Facebook or Instagram BEFORE the date, don't ask directly or you'll make it awkward at family reunions.

    7. Definitely ask how hot their grandparents are.

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    Again, this is just good forward planning. You'll want to know how your date is gonna look in the future.

    8. Be yourself!

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    Or be a bee! Who cares as long as it's cool and they'll be impressed. Actually the more you lie, the better they'll think you are, probably.

    9. Don't talk about your exes.

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    But DO talk about the massive crush you have on your coworker. Lmao it's so awkward but you know, you're making it work.

    10. Start by quoting Shakespeare.

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    Then move onto all your favourite Big Bang Theory quotes. It shows you have an intellectual range and they'll wanna bazinga your brains out!

    11. Don't drink too much.


    We mean water, obviously. You'll need to pee too much. Save that for shots.

    12. Focus on one facial feature and continue to compliment it throughout the date.


    "Have I mentioned how sexy that lazy eye is?"

    "Yes. Five times."

    "Damn, baby."

    13. Make ALL the decisions.


    Indecisiveness is such a turn-off so plan EVERYTHING ahead of time. Order their dinner for them, choose the movie, have a copy of your keys ready for them, schedule when you'd like to meet their parents.

    14. Establish boundaries.

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    Draw a line down the middle of the table. Literally draw it with like a super thick sharpie, that way there's no chance they'll reach over to eat your fries. Those are your fries. Boundaries.

    15. There's no such thing as an awkward silence.

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    You don't always have to fill the silence. Stare at them for 10 minutes straight. Just smile when they say something. Never offer an answer. They'll love it.

    16. Order a three-course meal.

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    Nothing is more impressive than seeing how much food someone can shove into their face. Bonus points if you can ask the waiter to serve all your food at once.

    17. Ask plenty of questions.

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    Where are you from? What's your favourite song? Would it play at our wedding? Do you like the name "Hamish"? For our first son???

    18. Get closer.

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    At dessert time sidle up to your date and get nice and close. Especially if they ordered a better dessert than you. "Mmm hey baby, you gonna finish that creme brûlée?"

    19. And slip into something a little more comfortable.

    Like a onesie or a slanket! As long as you're comfortable enough to ask them to hold you while you weep to Adele's latest album.

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