Date one: Mark and Bree
1. ACCENT. I DETECT A BRITISH ACCENT.
2. I also detect a total babe, helloooo Mark.
3. Two of my favourite things are a british accent and chicken nuggets.
4. I could only crush on Mark more if he was a giant, handsome, British chicken nugget.
5. He loves going to Palm Beach? Looks like I'm going to Palm Beach this weekend.
6. Lol but actually if he came to Australia based on what he sees on Home and Away, he's going to be sorely disappointed.
7. More like home and a BAE.
8. Cam the bartender loves Home and Away too.
9. We really just learn something new every episode.
10. OMG Bree is so hot as well.
11. Their babies are going to be amazing.
12. Ha they haven't even met yet and I'm naming their future children.
13. They're like the Instagram versions of real people.
14. Awww they've both had their hearts broken.
15. Wow, so many Home and Away name drops.
16. We're definitely on Channel 7.
17. Every time they mention Home and Away, drink.
18. Oh no, I'm wasted.
19. This guy probably has a house full of Home and Away merchandise.
20. He's like Waylan Smithers with Malibu Stacey.
21. Wow, he's like whipping out any French phrase and probably not realising how much he's fucking it up.
22. "It is cold and I am tired."
23. What a metaphor for my love life.
24. "It is cold and I am tired" is going to be my Tinder bio.
25. The thing about the people on this show is that they ALL want to settle down SO BAD.
26. Guys you need your slutty years.
27. It's what makes you learn the good from the bad.
28. Stop whinging about, "guys my age only want one thing" you're like 22, of course they do.
Date two: Kiki and Lachlan
29. Kiki wants to be this generation's Shakespeare.
30. So no lofty aspirations or anything.
31. I definitely had not been on a date when I was 18 either.
32. I've barely been on a date now and I'm 27.
33. God I'm so old.
34. Wow Kiki.
35. You intense girl.
36. Teens are adorable when they think they can change the world.
37. "My last boyfriend was in grade 6", doesn't count sweetie.
38. "I guess I'm looking for the boy version of me."
39. OMG Lachlan.
40. He's a boy version of her.
41. They must get married, they are literally the same person.
42. He says: "I don't have heaps of experience…" He means: "I googled a boob once."
43. Oh bless, Lachlan is worried about things being expensive.
44. "I'm an arts student" DUDE SAY NO MORE, I FEEL YA.
45. "Amazingly average." Excuse me sir, how did you know the title of my unpublished autobiography?
46. "I'm a real estate agent.. but at the same time I'm a philanthropist."
47. Hold up. What??
48. KIKI, WAT.
49. Him: "I can't sit at home, I kinda want to change the world."
50. Me: "I spent the entire weekend sitting really still."
51. These dumb idiots are made for each other.
52. They're pretty cute together.
53. Wow she is the most mature 18 year old I've ever seen.
54. "Are books and movie romances real?"
56. No they are not.
57. That's why they're known as fiction.
58. If you're waiting for your Ryan Gosling in The Notebook, girl you're gonna be waiting a while.
59. Most guys can't build houses, ya know?
60. Lachlan isn't fooling anyone with the "I'll just have a water."
61. Arts mate is being a lil cheap.
62. "What are you going to order for dinner Lachlan?" "Oh I brought a Zip Lock baggie of carrots from home."
63. If they go on a second date they literally should just go to Macca's.
64. My feeling is they are definitely going on a second date right?
65. I mean they are basically perfect for each other?
67. Aahhhhhh nooo he just got friendzoned.
68. And totally had to pretend he agrees. :(
69. Though at the beginning she did say that she just wanted a boy version of herself.
70. And that's what she got?
71. She's like a weary, divorced 45-year-old. "Where is my romance? Where are my butterflies?" interjected with deep sighs.
72. Imagine if a ton of butterflies just SWARMED THE ROOM.
73. "NOW I AM THE KING OF THE BUTTERFLIES!"
Date three: Bex and Anthony
74. Bex showing us she's fun and hilarious with her tyrannosaurs impression.
75. Why does everyone fucking dance on this show?
76. There's gotta be a producer sitting there like, "do a fun dance!"
77. I'd be like, "I'm just going to sit down thank you".
78. She's… eccentric.
79. She looks like Ailsa from Home and Away.
80. Oh my god she should have gone on a date with Mark the Home and Away guy.
81. Do you think he saw her and freaked out.
82. "I have a good pussy."
83. "I SAID POSSE."
84. OK Bex.
85. Poor Cam the barman was just like "Ok ma'am I am going to clean this part of the bar now."
86. Poor, handsome Cam the barman.
87. Anthony's Irish!
88. I can't understand anything this guy is saying.
89. It's just like a wash of giggling and words that are missing consonants.
90. This whole date is just like Bex shouts something and Anthony shouts something back.
91. And I'm just like ???
92. He seems more into the waitress.
93. From… what I can even understand of his accent.
94. Bex: "Sometimes I don't understand what he's saying."
95. Same tho.
96. I don't feel it between these two.
97. I also don't feel these ~ spontaneous bathroom phone calls ~
98. It would be embarrassing for me to have to call a friend because I'd forget and just order a pizza.
99. Okay two pizzas. And three garlic breads.
100. Bex's phone call was literally about Anthony's penis.
101. "Irish men are packing heat!"
102. They'll make your river dance if you know what I mean.
103. Ugh look I don't feel like these two have any connection.
104. Antho spent more time talking to the waitress and Bex couldn't get off her phone.
105. No second date. No surprise.
Date four: Kris and Adam
106. Kris seems really sweet.
107. Oh no, excuse me no, do not play sad music.
108. I can't deal with any emotion on this show.
109. FIRST DATES YOU AREN'T MEANT TO MAKE ME CRY.
110. I just want to see drunk idiots eat oysters.
111. I didn't sign up for feelings.
112. Ugh Kris you beautiful flower.
113. This guy seems pretty good for her I think.
114. I just want Kris to be happy.
115. She seems so sweet.
116. I just want them to get along.
117. Also I low-key wanna see Adam without a shirt.
118. JUST TO CHECK like… for Kris.
119. I want him to hold me like I'm a kitten.
120. But anyway, these two seem to be hitting it off!
121. Oh kids talk.
122. That's tough.
123. If someone asked me my plans about having kids I'd be like, "yeah obviously sure, I love small goats".
124. I like small goats almost as much as I like Kris and Adam.
125. I love them.
126. But this was depressing in a lot of different ways.
127. But Kris is so beautiful and I hope she gets to travel and find happiness.
Date five: Ashley and Nicole
128. Southern cross tattoo alert.
129. Why was he licking his hands and fixing his eyebrows noooooo.
130. I'm terrified right now.
131. My ovaries just shrivelled up and died.
132. And he doesn't like social media?
133. What does he do with all his spare time.
134. At least if you dated someone who hated social media you could bitch about them on Twitter heaps.
135. Arg Ashley makes me anxious.
136. "I do personal training with a bunch of girls", "Only girls?" "No guys too" "Oh, only girls mentioned though…"
138. Nicole seems sweet though.
139. She is savage with her line of questioning.
140. "Any other shit tatts?"
141. I am dying, Nicole is amazing.
142. UGH MORE BATHROOM PHONE CALLS.
143. How awkward would be if they could hear each other talking in the bathroom.
144. No one ever goes to the bathroom to actually use the bathroom.
145. I went to the bathroom twice during this episode let alone an actual date.
146. Ohhh they're going on a second date. That's nice. I guess.
147. STOP KISSING ON CAMERA.
148. Best part was when she almost walked into the wall.
149. I would too if I was on that date tbh.
150. Then I'd go home to my small goats.
151. I love you, small goats.