Let Your Sex Face Determine Your 2016 Resolution
This is important - 2016 is the year you need to be chowing down on a burrito at LEAST once a week. Why? Why the FUCK NOT?!
Look, we get it, that's one fine-ass Pope, but 2016 should be a time for new beginnings. Stop trying to slide into Il Papa's DMs.
Going outside is the new black! Be a Daredevil and stop watching every damn episode the moment it's released, even if you're Jessica Jones-ing for a fix. Call your family. They want to hear from you... and not because you just finished House of Cards for the 19th time.
Please, just leave this in 2015. It's time.
We've all been there, some damn fine specimen seems to wander into your Insta timeline and BAM you're following them even if they're always confusing "your" for "you're". Treat yourself better.
SPECIFICALLY Klingon. It might be niche, but it'll get all the boys at Space Camp absolutely frothing for you. be'Hom Suq 'oH!
DID YOU FORGET RULES ONE AND TWO?! 2016 is the year you FINALLY stop talking about Fight Club! Don't hashtag it, don't check in there... just DON'T. TALK. ABOUT. IT. Now tweet this result to your friends.
2016 is the year for you! Make the most of it by petting EVERY PUPPY YOU SEE!! Travel more. Pet foreign puppies. All of them. I believe in you.
You may not have had the best luck battling mythical creatures this year but 2016 is your time to shine! Find yourself a bitch-ass centaur and WIN IN A BATTLE OF STRENGTH! You can do it!
This isn't too difficult so long as you have an app, a clothing line and a few bajillion dollars spare. You're already on your way to joining the most profitable family on the planet!
What, are you literally the last person NOT following DJ Khaled?! That's fine, because in 2016 you'll find the true meaning of life is gardening and getting lost at sea on a jet ski in the middle of the night. You're so welcome.
2016 is the year this ends. YES, bae uploaded a super cute selfie 232 weeks ago but it does NOT need another like!!! Be strong, this is your year!