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So You've Decided To Go Home For The Holidays

Or rather, you were guilt tripped so hard that you didn't actually have a choice. Whether it's for Thanksgiving, Christmas, or New Years, here is what you can expect when going home for the holidays.

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1. You will have a minor panic attack when you realize that you're in the burbs and the nearest decent coffee shop is a three hour plane ride away.

You'll begrudgingly ask where the nearest Starbucks is located because weirdly, there isn't one on every corner as you've become accustomed to.

2. You will get to your sister's house which you'll call home for the next few days only to realize that you forgot to pack some necessities like shampoo or body wash.

You'll use your sister's shampoo and end up smelling like a strawberry-coconut-daiquirita. This will be an extra special occasion if you happen to be of the male persuasion.

3. You will get pulled over by a police officer who recognizes your last name and asks if you know so-and-so.

So-and-so is, of course, your dad. Smile and nod gracefully as the officer tells you that he remembers you when you were a baby and lets you go.

4. You will go to the local bar that you used to be a regular at.

The same people that were there ten years ago are still there and still singing the same karaoke songs they sang ten years ago. Ten plus years of "Livin' on a Prayer" probably means you're not praying hard enough, sir.

5. You will drive past your childhood home and every apartment that you may have lived in before leaving your hometown.

You'll get a mildly nostalgic feeling for the days when you had a yard to play in. Then you'll have a flashback to Saturday morning chores of having mow said yard and realize that apartment living has its perks.

6. Within seconds of seeing your mom you'll be told that you look too skinny.

Ten minutes later she will come over and grab your gut and refer to you as her baby Buddha. Thanks Mom. Thanks. Where's that bottle of whiskey?

7. Your mom will pull you aside so she can complain about your sister to you in private.

8. Your sister will pull you aside so she can complain about your mom to you in private.

9. You will download Tinder to occupy the time when you're not eating, watching football, or watching the parade.

To the left, to the left...

10. You will contemplate what your life would have been like if you moved back.

You quickly realize what a terrible idea this is and get drunk to drown out the idea from your head immediately.

11. You will realize that suburban soccer moms are far worse drivers than any red-light-running cab driver is in any major city.

You and your baby on board are assholes, ma'am.

12. You will get into a semi-passive aggressive political debate with your uncle.

You'll realize you don't have enough fucks to give and quickly just go back to swiping left on Tinder. You will probably get drunk thinking that you will be able to come up with a better argument after a few whiskeys.

13. You will go out to dinner with your family.

Your brother will enthusiastically exclaim his love of The Olive Garden. You will get drunk to forget this grievance against food everywhere.

14. You will be contacted by your friend that never left your hometown who insists on hanging out with you.

This hang out will never happen though as they wont be able to find a sitter for their nine children.

15. You will run into someone at the grocery store who recognizes you from high school.

Naturally, you have no idea who they are but smile and nod politely as they reminisce about high school. They will make some comment about how cute your smile still is and you will slowly back away fearing they might have a dark basement with your name all over it.

At the end of it all though, you'll get to come back to your tiny cramped apartment, drop your bags, and let out a sigh of relief. You may have been in your hometown, but now you're finally home.

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