22 Moments From "Holiday In Handcuffs" That Prove It's The Craziest Christmas Movie Ever

You have a lot of options when it comes to Christmas movies. Why not watch one that's baffling and terrifying? SPOILER WARNING if you can't predict the plot of a Christmas romantic comedy.

1. This Is Trudie. That's Her Breakfast.

ABC Family

It says a lot that the opening credits haven't even finished rolling before we have our first WTF moment.

Anyway, Trudie (Melissa Joan Hart) has a big job interview, so she starts the day off right with blowdried Chinese food. She also decides this is the best time to experiment with her hairstyle. Believe it or not, this is Trudie's high point in the movie, and the least crazy thing about it. It's all downhill from here.

2. It's Me! Little Pootie!

ABC Family

Of course, Trudie is late for her interview. That doesn't stop her from pounding on glass and screaming her resume at her prospective employer. "It's me! Little Pootie! From the corner! Come on, you know I can sell!" (Fun Fact: this scene also served as Melissa Joan Hart's audition for The Wire.)

3. That Hair.

ABC Family

Curly Sue has nothing on Gertrude Marie Chandler. That wig should have gotten top billing for all the work it does in this ABC Family original.

4. The Holiday Hostage.

ABC Family

This scene requires a little context. Once you realize that Trudie's boyfriend just broke up with her and she needs a date to her family's Christmas party, it totally makes sense. Like any sane person, she grabs an antique gun from the diner where she works as a waitress and takes a handsome customer hostage (Mario Lopez as David). We've all been there!

5. He Handles It Really Well.

ABC Family

You've got to hand it to David & Trudie; they're both naturals. He's a very cooperative hostage, all smiles and quips. And Trudie was born to drive to her parents' remote winter cottage with one hand on the wheel and the other pointing a gun at an innocent man's face. A match made in heaven.

6. The Romantic Beef Jerky Scene.

ABC Family

Is this Lady and the Tramp? Haha, no, but I can see how one might make that mistake. It's actually Melissa Joan Hart shoving beef jerky into Mario Lopez's mouth.

7. Trudie's Parents Find The Whole Situation To Be Hilarious.

ABC Family

Trudie tells her parents that a "game" David likes to play involves him acting like he's being kidnapped. She claims this is because he has social anxiety. Consequently, when he tries to explain that their daughter has kidnapped him, they laugh in his handsome, dimpled face.

This is perhaps one of the more unrealistic scenes in the film, as any mom who looks like that would've just offered David one of her Klonopin.

8. The Key Master.

ABC Family

Designating a "key master" to hide the entire family's keys and cell phones is something every family does during the holidays and is certainly not a convenient plot device inserted to prevent David from escaping.

9. The Entire Family Refuses to Help.

ABC Family

Trudie's brother and sister arrive, and neither of them believe David, either. The Chandlers can't accept that Little Pootie is capable of holding a man hostage.

10. David Can't Catch Trudie.

ABC Family

David discovers Trudie has her phone and attempts to grab it so he can call for help. Unfortunately, Trudie is too swift for him. More of us should consider the role kitchen islands play in unreported kidnappings.

11. David Almost Kills Trudie's Father And That's OK.

ABC Family

David sees an opportunity to take control of the vehicle, but once again he is physically no match for a Chandler. Trudie's dad is unfazed by this outburst. He understands how Trudie might cause any man to flee, and in no way does this result in Trudie's father thinking twice about David's story.

12. David Finds a Phone!

ABC Family

And immediately calls this woman (his fiancé's mother).

In other words, not the police. Don't worry, he tells his fiancé's mother to get his fiancé, who in turn agrees to inform the police of David's kidnapping at her earliest convenience.

13. In The Meantime, Let's Play Football.

ABC Family

There's no reason you can't enjoy a little outdoor fun with your captors.

14. Stockholm Syndrome Sets In.

ABC Family

Things start to heat up over a game of chess (don't they always?) as David begins to feel for Trudie. After all, her parents have this unreasonable expectation that their adult daughter get a job. It's just not fair!

15. They Kiss.

ABC Family

Remember how mere hours earlier David risked his own life and Trudie's father's to gain control of a car? Me neither, consider my heart in handcuffs.

16. He Proposes.

ABC Family

Just to help Trudie prove to her parents that she's capable of success and "give 'em all the bells and whistles", David proposes. They both know it's fake and will only last until the whole hostage situation is over, at which point it won't be even remotely humiliating.

17. He Builds Her An Ice Rink.

ABC Family

To show that he really cares and that the held-hostage-at-gunpoint-thing is just water under the bridge, David builds Trudie an ice skating rink and asks someone in a blonde wig to spin in circles around it.

18. FINALLY The Police Arrive.

ABC Family

And they barge in guns drawn!

19. Grandma Threatens A Police Officer At Gunpoint.

ABC Family

Now we know where Trudie gets it from.

20. David Doesn't Press Charges.

ABC Family

This photo doesn't have anything to do with David not pressing charges. I just find the idea of an adult drinking milk to be absurd. Sorry Santa!

21. He Kidnaps Her.

ABC Family

No, that's not a still from an episode of CSI, that's a screenshot from an ABC Family original movie. If someone counted the number of crimes in Holiday in Handcuffs it might just rival a Scorsese film.

22. They Kiss. Again.

ABC Family

David dumps his law-abiding fiancé and thus concludes the most bizarre Christmas movie of all time. The moral of the story is whatever you don't get for Christmas, take it by force.

P.S. If you haven't seen Melissa Joan Hart and Mario Lopez in their finest roles to date, Holiday in Handcuffs is currently streaming on Hulu.com.