36 Tweets That Prove Laura Benanti Is A Comic Genius

More like, “LOLa Benanti.”

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Gross man at airport: "What's a pretty woman like you doing sitting on the floor?" Me: "Waiting for these damn hemorrhoids to clear up!"

— Laura Benanti (@LauraBenanti)
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A woman just sneezed so loudly and violently that I reflexively yelled "ABSOLUTELY NOT" instead of "Bless you."

— Laura Benanti (@LauraBenanti)
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Calm down mannequins with abs

— Laura Benanti (@LauraBenanti)
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"Have you ever heard of Laura Benanti? She used to be an actress, then she went on vacation and began eating cheese for a living."

— Laura Benanti (@LauraBenanti)
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Purses are just fanny packs for people who don't need to be hands free. #freedom

— Laura Benanti (@LauraBenanti)
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I love movies where people throw their cell phones away dramatically and we never see the scene where they're like "F*CK, why did I do that"

— Laura Benanti (@LauraBenanti)
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Please imagine how pissed the World Cup crowd would be if at half time @AndrewRannells and I came out and sang "If I Loved You."

— Laura Benanti (@LauraBenanti)
12.

"F*ck, marry, kill" is the sickest game that also happens to be the order in which those things usually occur.

— Laura Benanti (@LauraBenanti)
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"I'm gonna miss you" is a real thing I just whispered to the last bite of my breakfast sandwich.

— Laura Benanti (@LauraBenanti)
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"You're almost 35? No children? Well...I hope you aren't too sad" ~my cab driver who isn't getting a tip

— Laura Benanti (@LauraBenanti)
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If you ever doubt that the Universe has a sense of humor please know that a bird just pooped perfectly in between my boobs.

— Laura Benanti (@LauraBenanti)
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When are we going to see the "girlfriend jean" trend?! Just a bunch of dudes walking around in faded skinny jeans.

— Laura Benanti (@LauraBenanti)
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What's that scent you ask? Why it's the perfume of New York City! Sweaty Scrotum and Cantaloupe Rinds™

— Laura Benanti (@LauraBenanti)
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When I'm in Los Angeles I like to eat bread AT people.

— Laura Benanti (@LauraBenanti)
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"You're almost 35? No children? Well...I hope you aren't too sad" ~my cab driver who isn't getting a tip

— Laura Benanti (@LauraBenanti)
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What if, after cops told you to put your hands up, they just tickled the shit out of you?

— Laura Benanti (@LauraBenanti)
21.

Kale salad should be renamed "Don't smile because that shit is in between every single tooth. Also, hope you like pooping" salad.

— Laura Benanti (@LauraBenanti)
22.

Hey dudes who snort your snot like pigs PLEASE STOP I'M GOING TO THROW UP ON YOU!

— Laura Benanti (@LauraBenanti)
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Models/actresses why do you bite your fingers in photos? What does it mean?? Are you coy? Are you hungry? WHAT'S HAPPENING??

— Laura Benanti (@LauraBenanti)
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Nothing says "I'm ready to party" like walking around CVS carrying an enema two pack.

— Laura Benanti (@LauraBenanti)
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WHY HASN'T ANYONE INVENTED SPANX FOR THIGHS AND CALLED THEM "THANX"?!?!

— Laura Benanti (@LauraBenanti)
26.

A sound machine for insomniacs that is simply a recording of an acquaintance walking you through their recent home renovation.

— Laura Benanti (@LauraBenanti)
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Hey lady at the airport drinking red wine at 7:20am, you ok gurl?

— Laura Benanti (@LauraBenanti)
28.

Thanks for reminding me that I'm all alone, buttons on the back of my dress!!

— Laura Benanti (@LauraBenanti)
29.

Oral B is my favorite toothbrush that also happened to be my nickname in high school.

— Laura Benanti (@LauraBenanti)
30.

I don't care if it's the ugliest thing in the world, if I fit into an extra small I'm buying it.

— Laura Benanti (@LauraBenanti)
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If you stare at your phone long enough it turns into someone who loves you, right?

— Laura Benanti (@LauraBenanti)
32.

All lady magazine covers should simply have one headline: "YOU SHOULD FIX YOURSELF! Also, how to have sex."

— Laura Benanti (@LauraBenanti)
33.

Imagine describing a bachelor party to an alien.

— Laura Benanti (@LauraBenanti)
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Wish I could handle ANYTHING as well as the 3 year old I just watched narrowly escape being hit by a car only to roll his eyes in disgust.

— Laura Benanti (@LauraBenanti)
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Eventually the American flag will just be a group selfie of 23 year old girls doing duck lips

— Laura Benanti (@LauraBenanti)
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Literally every single time a clean handsome man is checking me out its a gay man who loved me in Gypsy (Take 2)

— Laura Benanti (@LauraBenanti)

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