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26 Things You Would Tell Your Dog If You Spoke Dog

It's the superpower you've always wanted.

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2. "The vacuum is not the roaring monster you think it is."

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3. "Dear Sparky, you are too massive to be a lapdog. Sincerely, my crotch."

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4. "Relax, it's just a thunderstorm! We're safe in the house!"

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5. "Please eat this cheaper brand of dog food. I'm reducing our expenses and I'd appreciate your cooperation."

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6. "I'm not trying to humiliate you with this cone. I just don't want you ripping out your stitches."

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8. "Yes, there are other dogs barking in our neighborhood. Why do you need to bark back? They're not speaking to you."

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9. "My leg does not resemble the female genitalia of your species. What's with the humping?"

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10. "And while we're on the topic of 'humping', didn't we neuter you?"

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11. "I get that mirrors are hard for you to grasp, but trust me, if you stop barking, he will stop barking."

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12. "You don't need to cry every time I leave for work. I'm not leaving you forever."

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13. "When we go out for walks, can you not start a fight with every dog you meet? It's embarrassing."

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15. "Appropriate licking order: 1st- Me, 2nd- Your Butt."

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16. "I take you to a dog park to make friends, not to a battle royale to make enemies."

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17. "Technically, you're adopted."

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22. "I know it sounds like we're at war with aliens, but that's just the sound of fireworks."

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23. "Okay, okay, I'll switch over to the Puppy Bowl."

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24. "You shouldn't worry about dog groomers. They only use those scissors to cut your fur. They're nothing like veterinarians."

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25. "Chocolate is your poison. Stop staring at me while I eat it."

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26. "I don't know how I could live life without you in my life. I love you so much."

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