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Posted on Jan 19, 2015

26 Things You Would Tell Your Dog If You Spoke Dog

It's the superpower you've always wanted.

by Matthew Young

Community Contributor

1. "Squirrels can climb trees. Sadly, you cannot."

2. "The vacuum is not the roaring monster you think it is."

3. "Dear Sparky, you are too massive to be a lapdog. Sincerely, my crotch."

4. "Relax, it's just a thunderstorm! We're safe in the house!"

5. "Please eat this cheaper brand of dog food. I'm reducing our expenses and I'd appreciate your cooperation."

6. "I'm not trying to humiliate you with this cone. I just don't want you ripping out your stitches."

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26 Things You Would Tell Your Dog If You Spoke Dog

1. "Squirrels can climb trees. Sadly, you cannot."

2. "The vacuum is not the roaring monster you think it is."

3. "Dear Sparky, you are too massive to be a lapdog. Sincerely, my crotch."

4. "Relax, it's just a thunderstorm! We're safe in the house!"

5. "Please eat this cheaper brand of dog food. I'm reducing our expenses and I'd appreciate your cooperation."

6. "I'm not trying to humiliate you with this cone. I just don't want you ripping out your stitches."

7. "Do you have to lick your testicles now? We have company!"

8. "Yes, there are other dogs barking in our neighborhood. Why do you need to bark back? They're not speaking to you."

9. "My leg does not resemble the female genitalia of your species. What's with the humping?"

10. "And while we're on the topic of 'humping', didn't we neuter you?"

11. "I get that mirrors are hard for you to grasp, but trust me, if you stop barking, he will stop barking."

12. "You don't need to cry every time I leave for work. I'm not leaving you forever."

13. "When we go out for walks, can you not start a fight with every dog you meet? It's embarrassing."

14. "Stop tugging at your leash. I don't care how badly you want to sniff that dog's butt."

15. "Appropriate licking order: 1st- Me, 2nd- Your Butt."

16. "I take you to a dog park to make friends, not to a battle royale to make enemies."

17. "Technically, you're adopted."

18. "The doorbell you heard was from the TV."

19. "Don't drink that! I just pooped in there."

20. "If you competed in a dog show, you'd definitely win the award for 'Most Persistent Tail Chaser'."

21. "I can't handle those Sarah McLachlan commercials either."

22. "I know it sounds like we're at war with aliens, but that's just the sound of fireworks."

23. "Okay, okay, I'll switch over to the Puppy Bowl."

24. "You shouldn't worry about dog groomers. They only use those scissors to cut your fur. They're nothing like veterinarians."

25. "Chocolate is your poison. Stop staring at me while I eat it."

26. "I don't know how I could live life without you in my life. I love you so much."

26 Things You Would Tell Your Dog If You Spoke Dog

1. "Squirrels can climb trees. Sadly, you cannot."

2. "The vacuum is not the roaring monster you think it is."

3. "Dear Sparky, you are too massive to be a lapdog. Sincerely, my crotch."

4. "Relax, it's just a thunderstorm! We're safe in the house!"

5. "Please eat this cheaper brand of dog food. I'm reducing our expenses and I'd appreciate your cooperation."

6. "I'm not trying to humiliate you with this cone. I just don't want you ripping out your stitches."

7. "Do you have to lick your testicles now? We have company!"

8. "Yes, there are other dogs barking in our neighborhood. Why do you need to bark back? They're not speaking to you."

9. "My leg does not resemble the female genitalia of your species. What's with the humping?"

10. "And while we're on the topic of 'humping', didn't we neuter you?"

11. "I get that mirrors are hard for you to grasp, but trust me, if you stop barking, he will stop barking."

12. "You don't need to cry every time I leave for work. I'm not leaving you forever."

13. "When we go out for walks, can you not start a fight with every dog you meet? It's embarrassing."

14. "Stop tugging at your leash. I don't care how badly you want to sniff that dog's butt."

15. "Appropriate licking order: 1st- Me, 2nd- Your Butt."

16. "I take you to a dog park to make friends, not to a battle royale to make enemies."

17. "Technically, you're adopted."

18. "The doorbell you heard was from the TV."

19. "Don't drink that! I just pooped in there."

20. "If you competed in a dog show, you'd definitely win the award for 'Most Persistent Tail Chaser'."

21. "I can't handle those Sarah McLachlan commercials either."

22. "I know it sounds like we're at war with aliens, but that's just the sound of fireworks."

23. "Okay, okay, I'll switch over to the Puppy Bowl."

24. "You shouldn't worry about dog groomers. They only use those scissors to cut your fur. They're nothing like veterinarians."

25. "Chocolate is your poison. Stop staring at me while I eat it."

26. "I don't know how I could live life without you in my life. I love you so much."

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