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12 Animal Masters That Taught Luis Suárez The Art Of Biting

The Karate Kid learned "Wax On, Wax Off," the Hannibal learned, "Clamp On, Clamp. Off."

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1. The Master of Deception

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Expertise: Surprising the victim.

What he taught Suárez: His signature move, "The Bite 'n' Bolt".

2. The Master of Power

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Expertise: Not moving much & the ability to see the color, 'blue'.

What he taught Suárez: How to open wide.

3. The Master of Speed

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Expertise: Pouncing.

What he taught Suárez: The Master of Power has an Italian uncle, and hence, should be eliminated.

4. The Master of Subtlety

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Expertise: Snapping.

What he taught Suárez: When there's 7 minutes left in the game, it's "crunch time".

5. The Master of Nibbles

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Expertise: Causing people to go, "Awwwwwww".

What he taught Suárez: That Suárez needs to apply himself and not just say he understands how to properly nibble.

6. The Master of Impulsivity

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Expertise: Getting swept up in a sharknado 30% of the time.

What he taught Suárez: Bite first, ask questions later.

7. The Master of Nutrition

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Expertise: Can effectively threaten the lives and families of fruits and vegetables.

What he taught Suárez: The butcher sells more parts of the pig than just the shoulder.

8. The Master of Persistence

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Expertise: Not knowing when to stop, even when people advise you to stop.

What he taught Suárez: Always try to bite off more than you can chew.

9. The Power of Agility

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Expertise: Stealth.

What he taught Suárez: Go for the shoulder... whatever that is.

10. The Master of Restraint

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Expertise: Intimidation & Knowing where the cleanest fire hydrants are in your area.

What he taught Suárez: You have more bite than your bark.

11. The Master of Accuracy

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Expertise: Intimidation also.

What he taught Suárez: Never attempt to bite your own teammates.

Ooh... so close!

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12. The Master of Fearlessness

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Expertise: Giving pep talks and bear hugs (but never a shoulder to cry on)... obviously.

What he taught Suárez: If you listened to all of the masters diligently, you'll be a World Cup "Chompion" in no time.

The Final Master

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And finally, to complete his training, he must seek out the one who most craves human flesh.

Expertise: The art of "IDGAF".

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