I Sorted The "Nine Perfect Strangers" Characters From Lawful Good To Chaotic Evil

    Turn off your iPhone, grab a smoothie, and let's dig into the first three episodes, shall we?

    Matthew Huff
    by Matthew Huff

    BuzzFeed Contributor

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    Welcome to Tranquillum House! Are you ready to be healed? Hulu's brand-new series Nine Perfect Strangers dropped its first three episodes on Aug. 18, and we're obsessed with the drama about nine people showing up to a wacky health retreat.

    Nicole Kidman meditating on the floor
    Vince Valitutti/Hulu/Courtesy Everett Collection

    Nicole Kidman is basically leading a Goop retreat with some kind of mysterious poison smoothies. 

    Nine individuals have been hand-selected by the creepy wellness retreat guru/possible cult leader Masha (Nicole Kidman) to break down their trauma together in a tech-free environment.

    Samara Weaving, Melvin Gregg, Melissa McCarthy, Luke Evans, and Bobby Cannavale stand together in the woods
    Vince Valitutti/Hulu/Courtesy Everett Collection

    So far, they've done skinny dipping, sack races, and grape eating in order to find wholeness. 

    And since there are nine strangers on the retreat, it would only make sense that we sort them into a classic alignment chart. After all, we do have to know who is chaotic good and who is lawful evil at Tranquillum.

    Vince Valitutti/Hulu/Courtesy Everett Collection

    And FYI, I've only seen the first three episodes and haven't read the book, so we're making this chart based only on the information we've been given on the show up until now. 

    May I present to you, the Nine Perfect Strangers Alignment Chart:

    Kathy Hoang / BuzzFeed

    Now, let's dig in with a little more detail.

    Lawful Good – Zoe Marconi (Grace Van Patten)

    Vince Valitutti/Hulu/Courtesy Everett Collection

    Through three episodes, we haven't learned too much about Grace, who has checked into Tranquillum House with her mom and dad. We find out that the trio has been given a need-based scholarship to the usually pricy retreat center by Masha. Grace's brother's suicide is wreaking havoc on the Marconi family, but aside from being sullen, Grace seems to be the most even-keeled of the three. She follows the center's rules, is generally nice to everyone (with the exception of playful jabs at Lars), and hasn't made many waves aside from (justifiably) not wanting to skinny dip with her mother. Grace seems to be the definition of lawful good. 

    Neutral Good – Heather Marconi (Asher Keddie)

    Asher Keddie stands in a group meeting
    Vince Valitutti/Hulu/Courtesy Everett Collection

    Also on the top row of the alignment chart is Grace's mother, Heather. Although she initially seems standoffish and evasive, she quickly begins to accept the journey that Masha has planned for her, stripping for a river swim, singing Bon Iver's "Michicant," and dancing beside a large bonfire. She too is grieving the loss of her family member, and there is a strain on her marriage for sure, but Heather seems like a good egg deep down. A straight-laced mom leaning into her free-loving hippy side, I'm classifying her as Neutral Good. 

    Chaotic Good – Tony Hogburn (Bobby Cannavale)

    Bobby Cannavale leans against the side of the meeting room
    Vince Valitutti/Hulu/Courtesy Everett Collection

    Tony Hogburn is a little messy, a little awkward, and desperately in need of some wardrobe help, but he's got a heart of gold. An ex–football player forced into retirement by a tragic injury, he's now addicted to painkillers. While he and Frances (Melissa McCarthy) get off to a rocky start when he pulls over to the side of the road and asks if she needs menopause supplements for her mood swings, the two soon strike up a healthy chain of flirty negging. I am loving this will they/won't they energy, and throwing a grape into a sleeping person's mouth (and then performing the Heimlich maneuver) is the DEFINITION of Chaotic Good. 

    Lawful Neutral – Jessica Chandler (Samara Weaving)

    Samara Weaving sits at a dinner table
    Vince Valitutti/Hulu

    Three episodes in, we still don't know too much about Jessica and her husband, Ben, except that she's an influencer and her marriage is on the rocks. The pair have come to the retreat to rebuild their relationship, but we're still not really sure what is at the root of the issue. While we learn about Jessica's deep insecurities, we haven't gotten too much on her backstory. All in all, she seems nice enough and is organized at least in her work and appearance. Being a social media influencer requires a LOT of planning (and checking your page for validation, as we learn), so I'm putting her down as Lawful Neutral for now. 

    True Neutral – Ben Chandler (Melvin Gregg) and Frances Welty (Melissa McCarthy)

    Vince Valitutti / HULU, Vince Valitutti / HULU

    We know even less about Jessica's husband, Ben (he won the lottery and before that drove a catering truck), so I'm placing him as a True Neutral until we learn more. Meanwhile, Melissa McCarthy's novelist in the middle of a career crisis is 100% True Neutral. We've seen her mouthing off to the staff and getting into fights, but we've also seen her in a few tender moments. She's a business woman, but she's messy. She's kind, but biting. She's outwardly tough, but mush on the inside. And more to the point: She tries to keep everyone at a distance while mining their behaviors for fodder (a writerly instinct she can't quite seem to shake). I'd also like to take a moment to say that McCarthy is doing IMPRESSIVE work here. She's acting circles around her very talented costars, and I get giddy every time she shows up on screen. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE give her more roles like this. She is a twice-Oscar-nominated actor, after all.

    Chaotic Neutral – Napoleon Marconi (Michael Shannon)

    Michael Shannon stands near a fire
    Vince Valitutti/Hulu/Courtesy Everett Collection

    Michael Shannon's Napoleon Marconi is definitely the biggest personality of his family trio. An incredibly dorky oversharer, he constantly puts his foot in his mouth and bumbles into awkward situations. (Something new for Shannon, who usually plays steely alpha men.) Only someone with chaotic energy would crash down into a hot tub with a hot married couple and then proceed to incoherently ramble to their horror. (Not to mention, shriek in delight upon hearing of a potato sack race.) Napoleon is also wracked with grief and guilt over his son's passing, and his energy has tumbled into menacing at various points (i.e. killing a goat with his bare hands). He's definitely Chaotic Neutral. 

    Lawful Evil – Masha Dmitrichenko (Nicole Kidman)

    Nicole Kidman with long blonde hair looks at the guests
    Vince Valitutti/Hulu/Courtesy Everett Collection

    While not technically one of the nine perfect strangers, Masha, Tranquillum's nefarious (?) mastermind and spiritual leader is too large of a presence on the show to leave out. She's spying on the guests with security cameras, she's depriving them of food, she's doing something mysterious with the retreat center's smoothies (we get SO MANY shots of those smoothies). I suppose there is a chance that she turns out to be good, but so far, her energy is EVIL, but in a very pre-planned and regimented way. While Masha may be Lawful Evil, Nicole Kidman's disastrous Russian accent is Chaotic Evil for sure. 

    Neutral Evil – Lars Lee (Luke Evans)

    Luke Evans stands with his arms folded in the meeting room
    Vince Valitutti/Hulu/Courtesy Everett Collection

    Of all the forces on Nine Perfect Strangers, Lars Lee is the most mysterious. He's clearly skeptical of the wellness retreat from the jump, and he is up to something shady with an Apple Watch in the woods. He picks fights with the other guests and is always willing to shoot off a one-liner, but aside from that, we don't know much backstory. He also seems completely unable to be vulnerable, despite being surrounded by people sharing their feelings. When Ben opens up to him about winning the lottery, he takes a "giant dump" on it (to quote Napoleon). The show is certainly not painting him in a good light, so I'm placing him as Neutral Evil, but that could change depending on who he really is. 

    Chaotic Evil – Carmel Schneider (Regina Hall)

    Regina Hall stands in the meeting room smiling placidly
    Vince Valitutti/Hulu/Courtesy Everett Collection

    Oh me. On my. Carmel Schneider is Chaotic Evil masquerading as Lawful Good. She seems like a perky little rule-following mother in the first few episodes. Wearing pastels and chatting with her fellow guests in chirpy tones. But then, we see her lunge across the breakfast table in an attempt to strangle Lars. And shortly after, she admits to actually wanting to rip Jessica's face off. Clearly, she's got some anger management issues, and her erratic behavior is only bound to get worse now that Masha is withholding food from the group. Watch out for Carmel. She is not to be messed with. 

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