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    Here Are All The Things I Shouted At My Laptop While Watching "The Traitors"

    "Someone better buy me a Kate Chastain cameo for my next birthday."


    2023's best new show so far is The Traitors, which is basically the card game Mafia, enacted in a Scottish castle.

    The cast of The Traitors cheer

    I binge watched all 10 episodes in a FURY, and had a bunch of thoughts. Here they are in chronological order:

    Alan Cumming stands outside a castle

    1. OMG It's Rachel Reilly! AND CIRIE! AND Brandi Glanville is already drinking and we're just in the intro package.

    2. Wow, this castle is beautiful! I wonder how much it costs to Airbnb.

    3. I used to play Mafia so much in high school study halls. I was born to play this game. Is there a casting website open for Season 2?

    The cast claps outside the castle

    4. Wow, Alan Cumming is EATING in this Scottish beauty pageant sash thing.

    5. Why are these B-listers competing for just $250,000? Aren't they rich?

    6. Oh, they must actually not be that rich...

    7. I do not care one iota about any of the non-famous people, though.

    8. Waaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiittttttttttttt........Who is Kyle?

    Kyle Cooke sits in a chair

    9. BRB going to look at Kyle's Instagram page for a few minutes.

    10. Okay, I'm back.

    11. I hope these blindfolds are actually working.

    12. YEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS, Cirie is a Traitor!

    13. Christian seems annoying as hell. I hate his fedora. Poor Cirie.

    14. Okay, Cody was good on his seasons of Big Brother. He and Cirie will be good at this.

    15. "Geraldine was twitching her leg" is a reason to be suspicious? This game is actually giving these players NOTHING to go off of.

    The cast sits around the Round Table

    16. Okay, first challenge. Why are these giant rabbit statues?

    17. Glad they made the money. I sort of don't know what these challenges have to do with the game, though. Feel a bit shoehorned in.

    18. Will the contestants be able to hear the Traitors moving around the castle at night?

    19. On second thought, do we think that they are actually sleeping at the castle? I bet a lot of this is being shot off sight.

    20. Cirie does not seem pleased to be stuck with Christian, and I am right there with her.

    21. Please don't kill Brandi. Make it be Reza.

    22. This breakfast does not look super appetizing.

    Andie, Cirie, and Shelbe sit at a breakfast table

    23. Oh good, it was Reza.

    24. I would NOT want to be buried alive, and that is a LOT of dirt on those graves.

    The cast prepare to be buried alive

    25. Why is Michael saying "Lets banish Geraldine" while they are digging up bodies?

    26. Stop worrying about Geraldine's leg twitch. Vote out Michael because he's annoying as hell.

    Geraldine sits at the Round Table

    27. Yes, Brandi. I think we all need a glass of wine.

    28. Bye, Bam. Glad they sent home a normie.

    29. Rachel appears to be the only person on this show who has ever heard music in her life.

    Rachel stands behind a music stand

    30. Kyle, tho 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍

    Kyle at the breakfast table

    31. These challenges are actually easy, right? They're going to win them all, aren't they?

    32. Brandi is all knowing. She knows who all the Traitors are. Always trust a drunk. Didn't we learn that from Game of Thrones?

    33. I don't care who you think the Traitors are; you can't honestly want to live in a house with Michael more than Brandi, right?

    34. Team Brandi and Kate for life. Obsessed with Kate. I need to start watching Below Deck just for her commentary.

    Kate enters the breakfast room

    35. SHE WAS A MOTHERFUCKING FAITHFUL! You all are morons. How dare these normies come on this show and vote out Brandi Glanville! I hope Cirie murders them all in the night.

    36. Michael survived the latest murder...lucky us.

    Michael and Cody at breakfast

    37. These normies will cry at anything. They truly cast the weakest humans alive for this show.

    38. Love this Ferris Wheel, but sort of wish the questions were meaner and everyone had to answer individually. Kate is a badass.

    Kate Chastain is strapped to the Ferris Wheel

    39. Oh look, Michael is crying again.

    40. Quentin is acting VERY self righteous for someone who is voting incorrectly against Queen Kate.

    41. Thank the lord that they banished Michael. I don't even care that it's down to 14 people and they haven't caught one Traitor.

    42. Cirie, you are PLAYING this game. Force Cody to murder his bestie. DO IT.

    43. I know Ryan was probably the most famous person on this show, but he had big normie energy for me.

    The cast sits at the breakfast table

    44. Alan's wardrobe stylist deserves several Emmys.

    Alan in a kilt and beret

    45. Waaaaaiiiiitttttt...these normies better not be trying to evict my betrothed Kyle or my queen Kate. I'm going to be so mad.

    46. Christian shouting and hugging people at breakfast has to be a giveaway, right?

    47. I don't understand why Alan has to give clues in this booth and then have people run down the church aisle. Love these creepy mask people, though.

    48. Why does everyone think that dramatic players are the Traitors? Wouldn't you want to be chill if you were a Traitor?

    49. Really? We're going after Kyle and Kate? When there are still all of these silent clinger normies around? Shouldn't someone be on to the fact that the Traitors are blending in?

    The Round Table

    50. I love Cirie, but doesn't she seem pretty sedate? Like, is it just because I know that she's a Traitor that she seems like one to me?


    52. Kyle. If you're reading this, please call me.

    Kyle wearing glasses

    53. Who was Amanda again?

    54. Rachel is wearing ugly outfits, and Princess Diana did wear Kate's sweater.

    Kate at the breakfast table

    55. Okay, Anjelica the cryer, Rachel, and Kate are on trial. If the Traitors don't kill Anjelica, I will riot. The other two are impeccable television.

    56. Okay, this barrel rolling challenge is the best of the show so far. Obsessed.

    Rachel and Anjelica push a barrell

    57. Throw those barrels, Kate! Throw one for Brandi! Throw one for Kyle! Throw one at Christian! (That was a joke, I don't support violence.)

    58. Christian does need a haircut, though.

    Christian at the Round Table

    59. Intrigued by this Shield drama, but Arie getting it is pretty anticlimactic.

    60. Oooooooooo we're finally catching a Traitor!

    61. Rachel vs. Cody is the drama I didn't know I needed in my life!


    Cody dressed in a hood

    63. Oh, Cirie and ugly hat Christian voted out their fellow Traitor!

    64. Why aren't the Traitors trying to throw each other under the bus more? If only one wins, they don't have to split the money.

    65. Of course dumbass Quentin is gonna vote for Kate, though.

    66. Okay. One Traitor down. Two to go. Why is Shelbe so upset about Cody leaving?

    67. Oh, and the Traitors are murdering crybaby Anjelica! This is my favorite episode yet!

    68. Shelbe. Girl. Pull it together. This is embarrassing.

    Shelbe and Kate sit together

    69. Not as embarrassing as everyone's memorization skills, though. WOOF.

    70. Arie really knows which box to pick here. Wish he'd been this good at making choices on The Bachelor, amiright?

    71. Yeah, they're all voting for Shelbe. FINALLY, people have given up on Kate.

    72. There are only eight people left, and the Traitors are recruiting ANOTHER member? This seems strange to me.

    73. Obviously, it's better to be a Traitor than a Faithful. You can't be murdered, so you are safe for half the eliminations. Who wouldn't take this opportunity?

    74. WTF! Why is Christian telling this random ass lie about being recruited to the Traitors. Idiot. Send him home.

    Quentin and Christian at the breakfast table

    75. This challenge is INSANE. They are dumping BUCKETS of real bugs on these poor people.

    76. This is the purest hell a person could be in.

    77. Oh shit, Rachel is going FULL SCORCHED EARTH.

    78. Rachel is television gold. Put her on every single show.

    Rachel at the Round Table

    79. This is SPECTACULAR drama. She is making everyone cry.

    80. Cirie is truly a mastermind for not being suspected at all.

    81. Thank you, Quentin, for yet again sounding holier-than-thou while voting off another Faithful.

    82. I am going to miss Rachel, but LONG LIVE KATE!

    83. Oh wow, I did not see a Stephenie murder coming. I thought for sure they'd nix Quentin, but alas.

    Stephenie sits at the Round Table

    84. Okay, final six. Three Traitors. How is this going to work? Can't they just make an alliance and vote out the three Faithfuls left?

    85. I'm gonna fast-forward through this laser challenge. For Season 2, they really need to make these more relevant to the game somehow.

    The contestants stand in a room full of lasers

    86. Okay, let's send home Christian, everyone! LET'S GET ON THE SAME PAGE.

    87. Okay, Quentin, by all means, vote for Kate again. Your self-confidence should be bottled and sold.

    Quentin sits at the Round Table

    88. Cirie and Arie voting out Christian is glorious. FINALLY, I don't have to see him screaming at the breakfast table in his ugly hat.

    89. Ooooooooo no murders anymore. So, the Faithfuls have a chance! (And by the Faithfuls, I mean Queen Kate.)

    90. Kate is such a baller jumping out of this helicopter. A true all-star. Give her the money.

    91. Oh, so they just changed the amounts on these bags to get the group to $250,000? So, these challenges really didn't matter at all.

    92. UGH! Quentin is daring to vote for Kate AGAIN! I hope Cirie takes all his money.

    93. Cirie was smart to out Kate. She was the smartest Faithful left, although that isn't saying much.

    Kate at the Round Table

    94. Cirie has all these people snowed. Her and Arie are gonna leave with this money no problem.

    95. Okay. Okay. This is an interesting end game, but what happens if there is a tie in one of these end game votes? Anyone going to address that?

    The cast stands outside

    96. Surely Quentin and Andie are smart enough to think that there had to be more than two Traitors in the game, right? They have to know that there is a Traitor left.

    97. Ope. No. They're dumb. So, so, so, so, so dumb.

    Quentin looks with shock

    98. Cirie. This is BALLSY trying to get them to vote Arie out at the last minute, but I respect the move.

    99. Arie. You came all this way just to quit? I mean, I realize that you need the money less, but like, come on!

    Arie stands outside

    100. Okay, well Cirie has definitely won now then. Quentin has not made one correct decision this whole game, and he is just going to give the money to you.


    102. Gosh, they're crying a lot. Okay, Alan, let's hustle the normie losers off the stage. Give Cirie her moment of glory.

    Andie cries

    103. Also, look at Alan's broach.

    Alan hugs Cirie

    104. I cannot wait for Season 2. No normies, though, please and thanks. You can find 20 reality stars. I'm confident.

    105. Heather Gay for The Traitors Season 2!

    Watch all 10 episodes of The Traitors only on Peacock!

    Promotional image for The Traitors with the cast