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19 Problems Everyone From Brighton Knows Too Well

"Honestly, I love being a tour guide for every single one of my friends in the summer."

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1. In the summer, you have visitors every weekend.

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Suddenly, everyone wants a piece of the seaside.

2. Which means you have to drop everything, put people up, and act as a tour guide.

3. And when your visitors arrive, they're always disappointed that you live in Hove, rather than on the actual beach.

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4. Which, incidentally, consists of approximately two grains of sand and many bum-shredding pebbles.

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5. We may have a million fish and chip shops, but 99% are terrible.

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So until you know your way around them, you're screwed.

6. There’s the constant fear that Nick Cave is going to jump from the shadows and drink your blood.

7. Or that Chris Eubank will want to be your best friend.

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8. Out-of-towners always take the mickey out of Disco Pete.

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9. So you have to teach them that he’s part of what makes Brighton special.

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10. Deciding which "room odouriser" you need for the night can be a real pain.

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11. Vegans, fruitarians, and gluten-free are unavoidable.

12. "Keen-wa” or “Kweenoa” – who the hell knows?

13. All Brighton kids are named daft things like Neon, Barbarella, and Moontooth.

14. Our seagulls don’t just poo on your head. They attack.

15. Despite paying London prices, you get Brighton wages.

16. And the price of a Brighton pint regularly makes you weep bitter tears.

17. Even a bedsit deep in Whitehawk is way out of your price range.

18. You’re getting too old to shop at Cyber Dog.

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19. And nowadays scaling Museli Mountain is a bit too much effort.

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But deep down you know that Brighton is just too beautiful to leave.