101 Activities That Should Actually Be Olympic Sports
ATTENTION OLYMPIC COMMITTEE: Please consider adding the following activities to the Olympic roster. Thank you.
1. Actually getting out of bed.
2. Eating a burrito without the burrito opening up and spilling its delicious insides everywhere.
3. Folding a fitted sheet.
4. Picking up a piece of food from the kitchen floor instead of kicking it under the fridge.
5. Eating just one Oreo.
6. Getting drunk without sending a single drunk text.
7. Going an entire week without ordering delivery.
8. Replacing the toilet paper roll correctly.
9. Quietly opening a bag of potato chips in the middle of a meeting.
10. Microwaving something so that it's hot all over instead of just on the outside.
11. Walking on an icy sidewalk and not falling down.
12. Seeing a dog and not saying "Look! A dog!"
13. Actually cooking breakfast.
14. Actually making the bed in the morning.
15. Getting to work on time.
16. Not taking a nap.
17. Taking a nap but only napping for 15 minutes.
18. Only eating half of a sandwich instead of the whole thing.
19. Getting all the way off the couch to get the TV remote.
20. Washing the dishes right after eating from them.
21. Cleaning the bathroom.
22. Actually putting away clean laundry.
23. Putting dirty clothes into a contained space instead of all over your bedroom floor.
24. Only eating one chicken nugget.
25. Microwaving popcorn without burning it but also without having too many unpopped kernels.
26. Actually finding a movie to watch on Netflix.
27. Getting out of bed before noon on the weekends.
28. Going to brunch without getting drunk.
29. Flipping a pancake without splattering batter everywhere and disappointing yourself and your entire family.
30. Actually answering a phone call.
31. Parallel parking.
32. Ordering Starbucks drinks for a group of people without fucking up a single drink.
34. Carrying a cup filled with very hot water from one room to another room.
35. Bathing a cat.
36. Understanding what a 401K is.
37. Figuring out how to split a check at a restaurant.
38. Building just one piece of IKEA furniture.
39. Actually saving money.
40. Waiting for water to boil.
41. Getting out of bed to pee in the middle of the night.
42. Cooking pasta.
43. Eating a hotdog without getting any ketchup or mustard on your face.
44. Getting the perfect amount of guacamole onto a chip.
45. Listening to your own voice on a recording.
47. Dropping raviolis into a pot of boiling water.
48. Touching raw meat.
49. Cleaning out leftovers from the fridge.
50. Accidentally touching a piece of wet food in the sink and not gagging.
51. Walking. Just walking.
52. Explaining the Internet to a grandma.
53. Dunking a cookie in milk and not dropping it.
54. Actually finishing a tube of Chapstick.
55. Killing a spider.
56. Wrapping presents.
57. Pooping in a public restroom.
58. Opening a pistachio.
59. Making a dentist appointment and actually going to that dentist appointment.
60. Opening one of those plastic electronics packages without scissors or a knife.
61. Telling someone "I'll be there in 5 minutes" and actually getting there in 5 minutes.
62. Rolling up blinds.
63. Navigating someone's very old Instagram photos without accidentally liking one.
64. Dancing sober.
65. Giving a fun fact to a group of your peers.
66. Going to a family party and having to answer life questions.
67. Touching a worm.
68. Running for a bus.
69. Not laughing at the number 69.
70. Actually changing smoke alarm batteries.
71. Uploading an Instagram selfie without using a single filter.
72. Spelling a very long word without a spell checker.
73. Eating more than two yellow Starbursts in a row.
74. Buying popcorn at a movie theater and not eating all of it before the movie actually starts.
75. Not shattering an iPhone screen.
76. Peeling an orange.
77. Eating at McDonalds without feeling regret.
78. Holding a baby without dropping it.
79. Actually brushing your teeth twice a day.
80. Getting food at a buffet without saying the name of each food as you put it on your plate.
81. Successfully twirling spaghetti onto a fork.
82. Fitting into skinny jeans.
83. Hard-boiling an egg.
84. Peeling a hard-boiled egg.
85. Clipping your fingernails without leaving a tiny piece of annoying nail.
86. Writing a check.
87. Cutting a pineapple.
88. Farting stealthily in a quiet room.
89. Finishing a book.
90. Resisting the urge to scratch a mosquito bite.
91. Opening a really tight jar.
92. Peeling off one of those barcode stickers and not leaving any sticky residue.
93. Eating a grapefruit.
94. Doing math without a calculator.
95. Sitting on a plane with a baby.
96. Buying textbooks.
97. Literally just being outside when it's cold.
98. Drinking orange juice after brushing your teeth.
99. Going to the gym just one time.
101. Actually just watching the Olympics on TV from a couch.