38. Joffrey Baratheon (Jack Gleeson)
OK, yes, he is the reigning king of Westeros, which automatically gives him bonus boyfriend points. But ALSO, he’s a petulant little bitch who’s into some pretty fucked-up, kinky shit. What’s to stop him from going batshit insane and chopping off one of your hands, just because that’s what he gets off on? Nothing. That’s what’s stopping him.
37. Theon Greyjoy (Alfie Allen)
Theon’s pretty adorable, to be honest, in a rugged, fisherman-knight sort of way. Plus, he used to be very friendly and nice to the Starks, and all he really wanted was his dad’s approval. But then he went crazy. And started killing people. And got his dick chopped off. And I lost interest.
35. Jon Snow (Kit Harrington)
OK, Jon Snow is a fox, I know. Like, God damn, Jon. Probably the finest bastard in all of Westeros, to be honest. But he’s suffering from a pretty aggressive identity crisis. All he wants is a place to fit in, and I’m gonna need someone who’s a little more confident in his place in this world. Get your shit together, Jon. Then we’ll talk.
34. Ramsay Snow (Iwan Rheon)
Not gonna lie, Ramsay’s pretty hot. And, to his credit, he’s a pretty inventive guy. He thought up all kinds of crazy ways to torture poor Theon. But that’s about all he’s got going for him. He’s actually quite insane. Like, he probably belongs in some sort of institution.
31. Stannis Baratheon (Stephen Dillane)
Stannis has some pretty fucked-up emotional shit going on inside his Baratheon brain. He’s like suddenly all religious and listens to a mysterious woman dressed in flowing red robes. And I’m like, HELLO, CAN WE SHOW SOME REAL, GENUINE EMOTION FOR ONCE IN YOUR PATHETIC LIFE? Too sad, too serious, too focused on some crazy bitch who prays to a fire god. Nope. No, thank you.
30. Petyr Baelish “Littlefinger” (Aidan Gillen)
1). Your nickname is “Littlefinger,” and that concerns me. 2). You’re a slimy bitch who runs a burgeoning network of brothels. And 3). You’re like obsessed with Catelyn Stark. It’s like GET OVER IT. SHE DIDN’T WANT TO FUCK YOU 20 YEARS AGO. SHE DOESN’T WANT TO FUCK YOU NOW. FOCUS ON THE FUCKING PRESENT.
29. Jaime Lannister (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau)
Yeah, he’s fucking hot. Strong jaw line and flowing royal hair. He’s basically a beautiful fairy tale knight, and I’m into it. BUT, he did get his hand chopped off. He’s kind of a major dick. And he’s pretty much only interested in his sister. So… not much of a future here.
27. Viserys Targaryen (Harry Lloyd)
Viserys is pretty sexy, if I’m being honest here. He’s got that flowing blonde hair, and those dark, striking eyebrows. Plus, to be entirely fair, he took pretty good care of his sister after their parents were murdered in King’s Landing. BUT THEN HE SOLD HER FOR AN ARMY. AND EXPECTED HER TO JUST BE OK WITH IT. WAY TOO FUCKED UP FOR ME.
23. Grand Maester Pycelle (Julian Glover)
OK, I’m sure Grand Maester Pycelle was quite the charmer when he was a young bachelor. But now he’s just a nasty old clown. He’s kind of a pervert. And he’s basically Lannisters’ little bitch. ON THE OTHER HAND, he knows a lot of shit. He’s practically a wizard. And he’s pretty experienced, I guess?
10. Beric Dondarrion (Richard Dormer)
Yo, Beric is one sexy beast. He’s missing an eye and has a bunch of scars and stuff, which is gross. But he’s, like, a sexy rogue warrior, hiding in caves and shit. He’d have some stories to tell. Plus, he came back from the dead like multiple times. How many of your ex-boyfriends have done that, huh?
9. Jorah Mormont (Iain Glen)
Aww, I just want to give Jorah a hug. What a stand-up guy. Of course, he was kicked out of Westeros for trading slaves. But I know, deep down, he cares. He just wants to set things right. He wants to take care of everyone around him. And, of course, he’s got that sexy beard.
2. Daario Naharis (Ed Skrein)
Yooooo. Daario’s hot as fuck. Nobody really knows his deal, but he basically won Daenerys an entire city just to prove how loyal he could be. And that’s pretty sexy. Plus, he probably knows ALL KINDS of things. He could tell me whatever he fucking wants in that hot Tyroshi accent. And I would fucking listen.
- Churches across the US are prepping an underground railroad system for immigrants who fear deportation under Trump.