The following list was composed by an extensive team of exactly one Hot Guy Expert, Ph.D., who tirelessly poured through pages upon pages of shirtless pictures to select, upon meticulous consideration, the hottest athlete from every country participating in this blesséd World Cup.
Each guy was then ranked, according to a number of scientific factors, from hottest to even more hottest, ending in the steamiest, hunkiest, blazingly sexiest man ever to grace the World Cup stage.
The task was not easy.
But it was necessary.
32. Uruguay: Nicolás Lodeiro
Nicolás has the robust, square jaw of a gentle Uruguayan giant. He can chop wood, grind spices, and probably build an entire house, all without using any muscles below the neck. But let’s be real… This jaw is too perfect. This man could lift a truck with his face. Nobody should have that much neck strength. Nobody.
29. USA: Geoff Cameron
Geoff has the striking, flawless handsomeness of a soaring bald eagle. He’s broad and tough, yet somehow sleek and smooth. Perfect for modeling underwear, if I’m being honest, but I guess that’s up to him. I’m not telling you what to do with your life, Geoff. All I’m saying is that you should quit sports and become an underwear model.
24. Greece: Andreas Samaris
Andreas is the kind of guy who wakes up in the morning, rolls out of bed, puts on a sweatshirt and walks outside looking absolutely beautiful, like he’s ready to model for a cologne ad, or something that really good-looking people do when they walk outside in the morning.
22. Bosnia and Herzegovina: Mensur Mujdza
Mensur has the brooding sexiness of a guy who lives in your apartment building who never leaves his door open long enough for you to see what’s actually happening inside, but that’s OK, because he’s probably just raising a bunch of orphaned kittens, and definitely not hiding dead bodies.
20. Russia: Aleksandr Kerzhakov
Aleksandr has the kind of quiet, unassuming beauty that sneaks up on you while you’re sleeping. You won’t see it coming, but when it does… BAM, his piercing eyes ensnare you, and all you can do is try, helplessly, to resist the urge of running your hands across his brawny, flawlessly-stubbled jaw, while you stare into his sparkling pupils.
17. Iran: Alireza Jahanbakhsh
I could write an entire novel about Alireza’s eyebrows alone — a love story, featuring me, an innocent damsel trapped in a tall, dark tower, and his eyebrows, the strapping pair of heroes who rescue me from capture before getting me pregnant and nurturing me lovingly for the rest of my life, until (SPOILER ALERT!) we die, holding one another softly, like we always had.
9. Ghana: Kevin-Prince Boateng
Kevin-Prince looks like he might stare at you for a long time and you’d get a little creeped out, because why is this guy staring at you like this, but then he starts smiling and you start smiling and he starts laughing and you start laughing and before you know it, you’re just making out and all he did was look at you.
8. Argentina: Ezequiel Lavezzi
Ezequiel’s beard is the definition of a hot beard. All other beards should be judged against this beard. This beard is ruler of all beards. It’s bristly, yet soft, made of the finest Argentinian hairs and mounted on one of the most beautiful faces known to the Americas.
7. Portugal: Miguel Veloso
OK, yes, Cristiano Ronaldo is on Team Portugal, and he is, inarguably, a really, really, ridiculously good-looking human. But guess what? Miguel looks better. If Miguel modeled underwear, the world would end. That’s how attractive Miguel is. Miguel’s face and teeth and eyes and hair and smile are a gift to this earth, and we should all be lucky that we’re alive at the same time as he is.
1. Italy: Ciro Immobile
Arriving at Ciro Immobile as not only the Hottest Italian, but the Overall Hottest World Cup Player, was not an easy journey. There are over 700 total World Cup players (that’s like, 1,400 pecs and over 4,000 abs), and all of them are pretty hot. But none of them — NO, NOT EVEN THE ONE YOU’RE THINKING OF — is as hot as Ciro. Ciro is everything. Ciro gets into hot tubs with his friends wearing white underwear and he doesn’t care. Ciro has the face of a fine Italian sculpture, the body of a Roman god, and the personality of someone who has a really great personality. He is the One True Hot World Cup Player.