29 Things Her Majesty The Queen Is Probably Thinking

Officially servin’ royal realness for 60 years.

1. “You know what? FUCK horses. I could be a horse if I wanted. I’ll get down on my knees and eat this bale of hay right now. Will that make me cool? No, because fuck horses.”

Danny E. Martindale / Getty Images

2. “If I were alone right now, I would wade into those chocolate balls like a hungry swan.”

Adrian Dennis - WPA Pool / Getty Images

3. “See that hole over there? … You can go fuck yourself in it.”

Danny Martindale / Getty Images

4. “I…I should have stopped after the second burrito, but that chipotle mayo… Fuck me.”

Mike Hewitt / Getty Images

5. “A seventh star war? Your fat face makes me sick.”

Steve Parsons - WPA Pool / Getty Images

6. “Why isn’t this piece of shit working?”

Chris Jackson - WPA Pool / Getty Images

7. “When I’m alone, I like to sit on this hat and feel its tiny bristles rub softly against my bare skin.”

Chris Jackson / Getty Images


Dan Kitwood / Getty Images

9. “Did I say I wanted a bear? NO. I said LION. So why don’t you and your fucking parachute pants go walk off a cliff?

Chris Jackson / Getty Images

10. “I would literally rather shit a softball than be in the same room as you right now, David. Literally.”

John Stillwell - WPA Pool / Getty Images

11. “I used to have a suit like that. Used to climb into it, wear it around the house, make love in it.”

David Parker - WPA Pool / Getty Images

12. “Wow, you made fire. Try being the fucking queen of England, huh? Ever think about doing that with your life? No? Go fuck yourself.”

Steve Parsons - WPA Pool / Getty Images

13. “On a scale of one to ten, I’m an eleven, and you’re an ugly-ass bitch.”

John Stillwell - WPA Pool / Getty Images

14. “You wanna fuck with me? I’ll fuck right back with you, bitch. Wait til we’re back inside.”

Stuart Wilson / Getty Images

15. “I want a fucking chalupa so bad right now.”

Chris Jackson / Getty Images

16. “What the fuck are you even saying? Squirtle? Squirtle was your favorite Pokémon? I would spit on you, but I don’t want to turn you on.”

Ben Stansall - WPA Pool / Getty Images

17. “God, I smell like an outdoor sushi bar in 90-degree heat.”

Arthur Edwards/WPA / Getty Images

18. “Pretty sure I just sharted… Yep, definitely wet.”

Alan Crowhurst / Getty Images

19. “Are you even trying? Honestly? Did you wake up this morning and think to yourself, I’m gonna half-ass being a bull today? ‘Cause that’s what’s happening right now.”

Suzanne Plunkett - WPA Pool / Getty Images

20. “I think I made out with him last night, I don’t even remember, honestly. I blacked out.”

Phil Noble - WPA Pool / Getty Images

21. “Do you know who the FUCK you’re talking to?”

Arthur Edwards - WPA Pool / Getty Images

22. “I just want to be in bed, lying on my back, while someone feeds me hot, steamy clumps of a taco bowl. That’s all I want.”

Chris Jackson / Getty Images

23. “I stared a man to DEATH one time, you wanna try that shit on me again? Yeah, that’s what I thought. Back down, bitch.”

Pool/Michael Dunlea / Getty Images

24. “If you try and tell me I’m not the hottest bitch up in this place, you can back the fuck up.”

John Giles - WPA Pool / Getty Images

25. “The wedgie I have right now is so bad, I can feel my pulse between my ass.”

Scott Barbour / Getty Images

26. “God, every time I look at him I wish I were a lesbian.”

Kym Smith-Pool / Getty Images

27. “Oh my god, how many can they fit in that tiny hole?”

Arthur Edwards - WPA Pool / Getty Images

28. *”Ass & Titties” playing in the background*

Chris Jackson / Getty Images

29. “If you don’t think being queen of fucking England is tight as shit, then get the fuck out of my face.”

Andrew Winning-WPA Pool / Getty Images

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