1. “You know what? FUCK horses. I could be a horse if I wanted. I’ll get down on my knees and eat this bale of hay right now. Will that make me cool? No, because fuck horses.”
2. “If I were alone right now, I would wade into those chocolate balls like a hungry swan.”
3. “See that hole over there? … You can go fuck yourself in it.”
4. “I…I should have stopped after the second burrito, but that chipotle mayo… Fuck me.”
5. “A seventh star war? Your fat face makes me sick.”
6. “Why isn’t this piece of shit working?”
7. “When I’m alone, I like to sit on this hat and feel its tiny bristles rub softly against my bare skin.”
8. “IF YOU TAKE ONE STEP CLOSER, I WILL NUT-PUNCH YOU SO HARD, YOU WILL SMELL COLORS.”
9. “Did I say I wanted a bear? NO. I said LION. So why don’t you and your fucking parachute pants go walk off a cliff?
10. “I would literally rather shit a softball than be in the same room as you right now, David. Literally.”
11. “I used to have a suit like that. Used to climb into it, wear it around the house, make love in it.”
12. “Wow, you made fire. Try being the fucking queen of England, huh? Ever think about doing that with your life? No? Go fuck yourself.”
13. “On a scale of one to ten, I’m an eleven, and you’re an ugly-ass bitch.”
14. “You wanna fuck with me? I’ll fuck right back with you, bitch. Wait til we’re back inside.”
15. “I want a fucking chalupa so bad right now.”
16. “What the fuck are you even saying? Squirtle? Squirtle was your favorite Pokémon? I would spit on you, but I don’t want to turn you on.”
17. “God, I smell like an outdoor sushi bar in 90-degree heat.”
18. “Pretty sure I just sharted… Yep, definitely wet.”
19. “Are you even trying? Honestly? Did you wake up this morning and think to yourself, I’m gonna half-ass being a bull today? ‘Cause that’s what’s happening right now.”
20. “I think I made out with him last night, I don’t even remember, honestly. I blacked out.”
21. “Do you know who the FUCK you’re talking to?”
22. “I just want to be in bed, lying on my back, while someone feeds me hot, steamy clumps of a taco bowl. That’s all I want.”
23. “I stared a man to DEATH one time, you wanna try that shit on me again? Yeah, that’s what I thought. Back down, bitch.”
24. “If you try and tell me I’m not the hottest bitch up in this place, you can back the fuck up.”
25. “The wedgie I have right now is so bad, I can feel my pulse between my ass.”
26. “God, every time I look at him I wish I were a lesbian.”
27. “Oh my god, how many can they fit in that tiny hole?”
28. *”Ass & Titties” playing in the background*
29. “If you don’t think being queen of fucking England is tight as shit, then get the fuck out of my face.”
- The Pentagon is repealing its ban on transgender people serving openly in the U.S. military.
- Adnan Syed, whose murder conviction was a subject of the "Serial" podcast, is getting a new trial.
- Donald Trump secretly listened in on phone calls at his landmark Florida estate Mar-a-Lago, sources tell BuzzFeed News.