1. A clerk at Flourish and Blotts who's been working for 15 years on a potion that will turn her beloved cat into the man she's always desired.
2. A student who's forced to give hand jobs in the clock tower to pay for the astronomical Hogwarts tuition.
3. A work-study student who stacks books in the library, and one night overhears a student and professor having sex. She uses her knowledge of the affair to blackmail the professor into giving her special attention in class. But also, she's definitely falling in love with him.
4. A hot professor who runs a secret softcore porn website where he strips for money to help pay for his daughter to go to medical school.
5. A 40-year-old Hogwarts dropout who left school in his fourth year to take care of his sick mother after his sister was arrested for possession of narcotics, but now he's back and just, like, a 40-year-old Hogwarts student walking around all the teenagers. But he's a pretty cool guy.
6. The child of a famous Muggle actress who fakes his own death to escape his family but actually he's just going to Hogwarts. And then maybe halfway through the book, the mom shows up to Hogwarts and she's like, "I knew it. I knew you weren't dead, you piece of floating shit." And he's like, "I hate you. I've always hated you." It's, like, a whole thing. A whole big fight. It would be great.
7. A house elf who works in the Hogwarts kitchens who decides to poison a batch of soup in an attempt to seek revenge against his estranged lover who happens to be a fifth-year student. (He later ends up killing her by different means, and becomes a fugitive trapped in the shadows of Hogwarts.)
8. A student who gives birth in the bathroom to a baby she didn't know she was pregnant with.
9. A student whose parents really want him to be a practicing wizard but he just wants to be a lawyer.
10. A gay student whose conservative parents forced him to be closeted until Hogwarts, but boy does he let loose once he gets there. Just, like, wild gay stuff.
11. A student who's deeply in love with his Muggle girlfriend from home but he can't tell her the truth about Hogwarts so she thinks he's cheating on her.
12. A student who wants to drop out of Hogwarts to explore his music, so he forms a band and everybody is like, "Your band is just OK, Phil. Maybe you should stay in school for a bit longer and see how this works out." But he's like, "NO. THIS IS MY DREAM." So he quits Hogwarts with his band and they become mildly successful and then, unfortunately, he becomes a cocaine addict and dies alone in a ditch near Knockturn Alley.
13. An esteemed professor who wants nothing more than to quit his job to pursue his dream of becoming a celebrity chef.
14. A young writer who believes she's discovered a conspiracy to plunder Quality Quidditch Supplies of all its wealth. She feels like she's too young and inexperienced to pursue the truth, but then discovers the conspiracy is far deeper and more elaborate than she first realizes and realizes she cannot stay silent.
15. A student who wants to drop out of Hogwarts to pursue his dreams of making high-fashion scarves.
16. A student who runs an underground gambling ring and gets involved with a whole bunch of nasty folks who threaten to kill him because he owes them a lot of money.
17. A girl who wants to run for Hogwarts student body president but is consistently undermined by her male peers, so she plots to murder all of them in her pursuit of power.
18. A student who eats her own hair. That's it. She just eats her own hair all the time and this giant hair ball grows slowly inside of her.
19. A student who is secretly stealing exactly one shoe from every Hogwarts inhabitant and hiding them in a spare closet where she's built a grand mountain of old shoes that she watches over like a dragon.
20. A student who sneaks into what she believed was a simple private boarding school to spy on her middle school boyfriend, only to discover Hogwarts' true secrets.
21. A young bookkeeper at Ollivanders Wand Shop who secretly collects Mr. Ollivander's hair from the shop floor for a sex shrine she's building of him in her closet.
22. A student who decides to quit Hogwarts to go on a walkabout in the mountains of Liechtenstein, where he teaches himself magic. Also, he's friends with a bear.
23. A student who ends up in a much-publicized scandal with a Muggle celebrity and ends up inexplicably famous outside of the Wizarding World where she's forced to reckon with the realities of the Muggle gossip industry. Somehow, she manages to keep her identity a secret. But at what cost? At what cost?
24. A brilliant professor who suffers from a severe, potentially fatal addiction to chocolate. He's a smart guy, but chocolate is basically ruining his life.
25. A Hogwarts janitor who is slowly stealing a small fortune's worth of Hogwarts valuables from various storage closets and displays and selling them on the black market. He gets into some trouble with the wizard police and ends up in jail, where he meets a lovable band of misfit miscreants.
26. A student who breeds muscular rats beneath his bed in the dormitories, which turns out to be incredibly lucrative. Until his creations grow stronger than he imagined.
27. And, of course, a student who cooks meth in the Hogwarts bathrooms.