The 2022 Winter Olympic Games are officially upon us, and the world's best (and coldest) athletes have gathered in Beijing, China, to ski, skate, and curl their way to glorious victory.
As a person who both a) loves the Olympics and b) is so unathletic that the nicest thing my middle school basketball coach could say about me was that I'm tall*, I thought I'd rank every Winter Olympic event based on how terrified a card-carrying inside kid such as myself would be to try them out.
And while no one should ever give me permission to chase my ski-jumping dreams*, for the safety of both myself and society at large, I can still try to imagine how I'd feel if I was about to fling myself down a giant ramp in the name of individual and national greatness. (Bad. I would feel bad.)
Here are all 15 Winter Olympic events ranked from "not scary" to "scary" to "I don't even want to think about these ones, aka the sliding sports."
15.Cross-Country Skiing
Despite the fact that I grew up in the barren wintry wasteland more popularly known as New England, I'm a terrible skier. I've only done it once, but believe you me, that half-hour lesson was more than enough time to discover that I couldn't tell my pizzas from my french fries, even when it was the only thing that stood between me and falling off a mountain.
That being said, the idea of cross-country skiing makes my arms ache more than it does my stomach drop, so if I ever found myself on a tundra with someplace to be, I'd strap on some skis and give it my best shot. I wouldn't get far, but unless I ran into some bears, I probably wouldn't severely injure myself, either.
14.Curling
The only reason I consider curling scarier than cross-country skiing is the possibility of dropping one of those stones on your foot. Otherwise, I would curl in a heartbeat. Soccer has been called the most beautiful game, but that's only because whoever said that had never heard of curling.
But, and I cannot stress this enough, I'm not good at sports. So what if I'm so bad at curling that I actually end up besmirching its good name? I couldn't live with the guilt of it, and that's more frightening than taking a hunk of granite to the toes.
13.Figure Skating
Every time I see figure skaters, I want to figure skate. And that desire outweighs the fact that I can't skate. Like, at all.
It goes without saying that the costumes themselves are an unstoppable force, and those sequins and feathers may be enough for me to overcome my phobia of flinging myself through the air with knives attached to my boots.
12.Biathlon
According to the Olympics, the biathlon can be traced back to Scandinavian hunters doing everything biathletes do, but to survive rather than get their picture on a Wheaties box. Though if Wheaties boxes existed back in the day, they would've been prime candidates. Norway's army started holding biathlon-adjacent competitions for its soldiers, and an old-school version of the sport appeared at a few Olympics pre-1950. It was called "military patrol" and it involved "ski mountaineering" in addition to skiing and shooting, because where you and I see a mountain, Norway sees an opportunity.
While it's without a doubt hardcore, I'd be willing to try competing in a biathlon, though I should probably use a paintball gun rather than a rifle, or maybe one of those machines that shoots bubbles.
11.Ice Hockey
I've never played hockey, but the fact that it's a team sport appeals to me, both because of the camaraderie and the possibility that I can hide behind other players, who hopefully have actually played before.
That being said, the fact that there's a word in hockey that specifically means "getting smashed into the side of the rink" doesn't make me enthusiastic about my chances.
10.Speed Skating
Yeah, sure, I'd try this. I wouldn't have much in the way of speed, but there's only so far to fall when you're this close to the ice, so it has potential.
This is a side note, but I think speed skaters have my favorite outfits so far. This ensemble really drives home the whole "pushing my body to the outer limits of human achievement" thing.
9.Short Track Speed Skating
My first instinct would be to rank this one lower than speed skating, since a shorter track means there's less time for me to remember that I don't know what I'm doing and subsequently tumble over, but then I remembered the tale of Australian speed skater Steven Bradbury and his crash-induced glory.
The year: 2002. The city: Salt Lake. When skaters in the lead of the 1000m event got in a huge crash while Bradbury was in last place, he was able to stay upright, skate by them, and win gold. This was the first-ever Winter Olympics gold medal won by Australia, a place not particularly well-known for its winter sports. Or winters, period.
I'm glad Bradbury won his gold, but he was, you know, an actual speed skater. Racing against other athletes in a confined space causes "regular crashes," and while Bradbury had nothing to do with the crash that led to his victory, I'm pretty sure my inexperience would cause some sort of kerfuffle. And if the other skaters got mad, well, they're fast and I'm not.
8.Alpine Skiing
Rest assured, I haven't gotten any better at skiing between this entry and the cross-country one. Adding extraordinary speed and, oh yeah, a goddamn mountain to the mix doesn't make me any more confident in my abilities.
This is probably physically impossible, but I think if I attempted this event, I would roll down the course and end up encased in a giant snowball at the end.
7.Freestyle Skiing
This is a stick figure symbol for alpine skiing. The speed and extreme angle of the slope is implied, but otherwise, seems straightforward enough.
And here is one for freestyle skiing, which clearly denotes this sport as the dominion of chaos.
If cross-country skiers politely ignore gravity and alpine skiers welcome it, freestyle skiers spit at its feet and challenge it to a dance battle.
6.Snowboard
I don't love heights...
...but it's safe to say that I wouldn't get this high.
5.Nordic Combined
This is the only sport that I had no idea existed, and it is now the one I am most excited to watch. My money's on Norway (mostly because they've won 31 medals in the event).
But as far as trying it myself: Anything that involves ski jumping is a non-starter for me, for reasons that I think should be obvious to anyone who is not a ski jumper. If you are a ski jumper, know that I am supporting you. From the ground.
4.Bobsleigh
The bobsleigh, which comes in four-person, two-person, and women's monobob varieties, is one of three "sliding sports" featured at the Winter Olympics. (The other two are skeleton and luge, but don't you worry, we'll get to those momentarily.) If we're giving out medals for the amount of terror inflicted, the sliding sports have easily got the gold, and it is at this point in the ranking that we've moved from "haha yeah pretty scary" to "the very idea of attempting this will keep me up at night."
Throughout our lives, we must ask ourselves what we'd do for ourselves, our loved ones, and our countries. And if for some reason climbing into a bobsled was mandated by any three of those groups, I'd have my answer: not this.
3.Luge
When I think about this sport, my heart starts beating in Morse code that roughly translates to, "Oh hell no."
There is nothing scarier than luge.
2.Skeleton
Hey look, I found something scarier than luge. That took five whole seconds. Never change, Winter Olympics.
When you describe skeleton, it sounds like a ritual designed by ancient civilizations to appease their vengeful gods. How do you even get your start in this sport? At what point do you decide to dedicate your life to hurtling face-first down a physicalization of the mortal coil constructed from ice?
Every sliding sport athlete should get a Nobel Prize, or at the very least free drinks at every single bar for the rest of their lives.
1.Ski Jumping
I didn't realize ski jumping would be number one until I ranked all the other sports. It'll be skeleton, I thought. The name fits and we can all go home early, I thought.
Then I remembered this, and I knew there could be no other winner.
The sliding sports scare me in theory, but ski jumping scares me to the very core of my being. It is a visceral rejection of every instinct of self-preservation the human brain has amassed over thousands of years of evolution.
It is magnificent, and it is hellish. Such is the duality of the Winter Olympics.
