back to top

Absolutely Everything Guaranteed To Happen At Splendour In The Grass

Someone will lose their voice from yelling, "TUUUUNE"

Posted on

1. Tens of thousands of people will leave in cars and convoy up/down the coast to Byron Bay.

2. Rich mates will catch flights.

3. More organised people will have bought Jetstar tickets for less than $100.

4. They'll tell everyone about it.

5. One person will have organised a Spotify playlist based solely on music played at the festival.

6. Someone will forget the AUX cord.

7. The trip will be given a name, like "Splendour Weekender".

8. Or "Splendour Bender".

9. Or "The End Of Splendour".

9. It will be hashtagged.

10. Instagram will destroy phone batteries.

11. People will pose with signs on the way up.

12. Highway McDonalds restaurants will see a surge in revenue.

Advertisement

13. Everyone will stop at the Big Banana to take a photo.

14. It'll be uploaded to Instagram.

15. People will forget about the Big Prawn.

16. There'll be roadwork on the Pacific Highway.

17. Triple J will tell you all about the traffic.

18. Probably when you're already stuck in traffic.

19. Woolies at Ballina (the River St one) will be the most popular destination of the weekend.

20. Someone will buy too much shitty vodka.

21. And forget the mixers.

22. No worries... people will get used to swigging straight vodka.

23. Too much food will be bought.

24. Bacon and egg rolls, especially.

25. Someone will buy a case of Red Bull.

26. A random mate will tell you all about their special mixer drink.

27. It'll contain Powerade.

28. Or ginger ale.

29. There'll be strong investment in goon bags.

30. Fruity. Lexia.

Advertisement

31. No one will comply with the ban on booze in the campsite.

32. Staff will find some booze.

33. They'll drink it later that night.

34. Complicated strategies will be developed to hide the booze.

35. Like stashing it in the spare wheel section of the boot.

36. One of your mate's will drive straight in without getting checked.

37. "Why didn't we think of UDLs?"

38. "Hey what do we do about ice?"

39. Outfits will have been planned for weeks.

40. Gumboots at Big W will have sold out though.

41. Some people will have bought the designer wellies.

42. "Kate Moss wore these."

43. $15 shitty gumboots will do fine. FINE.

44. One of the Splendour artists will get arrested for drug possession.

45. Or fake arrested.

46. One of the rappers will say something sexist.

47. Or smoke a joint on stage.

48. It'll cause a media ~scandal~.

49. Locals will use it as a chance to campaign against the festival.

50. "Splendour ruins Byron Bay says angry local," will read one headline.

Advertisement

51. One of the biggest artists will cancel because of a throat illness.

52. It'll "ruin" someone's entire festival.

53. It won't.

54. There'll be deep and frightened conversations about getting drugs into the festival.

55. "How can we get them past sniffer dogs???"

56. "You run as a diversion and then I'll go in."

57. Some blokes will put MDMA in condoms and shelve them.

58. Getting drugs into the festival grounds will be the highlight for some people.

59. The felt hat game will be strong.

60. Someone will wear a native American headress

61. It'll cause a media ~scandal~

62. Despite a ban on selfie sticks, they'll be omnipresent.

63. There'll be a jousting match with selfie sticks involving two blokes with their mates shoulders.

64. The Tipi Forest will give someone a life-changing bender.

65. "I spent the whole day in the Tipi Forest."

66. People with "developed" music tastes will spend all day at the GW McLennan tent.

67. Country kids, chewing their faces off, won't leave the Mix Up tent.

68. Art Vs Science will bring out inflatable animals.

69. A bloke will try to climb the Mix Up's tent ropes.

70. He'll fall.

71. It'll be caught on video and uploaded to Facebook and it'll be the greatest moment of his life.

72. Azealia Banks will be a total disappointment.

73. White people will make gang signs.

Advertisement

74. People will really dig on the side stages.

75. "Oh let's go see Q&A with Tony Jones," is a weird thing someone will say.

76. Women of Letters will make some people cry.

77. Comedians will feel like kings.

78. Some random punter will pash Matt Okine on the dancefloor in the Red Bull Music Academy.

79. Except it won't be Matt Okine.

81. There Will Be Mud.

82. A group will take a photo traipsing through the mud... new Facebook cover photo.

83. Another group will go diving in the mud.

84. They'll be blokes who've just done a line of speed.

85. People will go to Alison Wonderland instead of Tame Impala and they'll have a great time.

86. Some mid-30s guy will be disappointed Blur didn't play enough old stuff.

87. Mark Ronson will bring out guest vocallists... Tkaiy Madza and Florence Welch at least.

88. Others won't see any music the whole weekend.

89. Mostly having campsite raves.

90. Someone will dent a car by standing on it.

91. At least one dude will keep getting naked.

92. Someone will keep yelling "TUNE!"

93. Another will think they can do the Major Lazer air horn.

94. "BRRRRAAAAAAAWWWWWN BRAWN bRAwn BRAWN"

95. It'll come to the end of the festival and no one will want it to end.

96. People will feel empty.

97. That will be the body destroyed by drink and drugs.

98. But there'll be incredible memories.

99. And plans will already be made for Falls Festival.

Mark Di Stefano is a Media and Politics Reporter for BuzzFeed News and is based in London.

Contact Mark Di Stefano at mark.distefano@buzzfeed.com.

Got a confidential tip? Submit it here.