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32 Indispensable Rules For Race Day

Dress codes, toilet lines and champagne good times.

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1. Start the day with a liquid breakfast. Today, champagne is your best friend and worst enemy.

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2. Real talk: novelty suits are great and are only to be worn to the races.

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3. Dress code: pants optional.

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4. Always match your partner. You'll look dapper that way.

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5. Take your selfies early. Instagram filter of choice? Valencia.

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6. Although, think about where you're taking photos. Trackside? Tick. Toilets? Mmmmm not so much.

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7. Every toilet is unisex on race day. There is NO TIME TO WASTE PEOPLE. WE'RE ALL JUST PEOPLE TRYING TO URINATE.

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8. If the toilet lines are too long consider this approach.

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9. But make sure you're wearing your nice underwear.

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10. Carry the form: (a) You'll look great (b) You can figure out which horse to back (c) It makes a good umbrella.

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11. Find an old man on the fence and ask him for inside tips about Race 4.

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12. Get a really good "OMG MY HORSE HAS WON" face.

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13. Let passing jockeys know of your displeasure like a Roman Emperor.

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14. Insist on watching at least one race on the fence. Point and yell and generally have a great time. You're at the races!

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15. Always keep your champagne covered from bad weather.

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16. Accept that you'll spend 30% of your day trying to find your friends.

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17. WARNING: The bloke with the fedora, no tie and grey suit will ALWAYS start havoc.

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18. Never trust the guy in the kilt either.

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19. During the "mount everyone like a horse" component of the day, please make sure women are not on the bottom of the pile.

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20. Fight the urge. Or don't.

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21. Have some "free drinking water" before trying to cut some shapes.

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22. People will disown you but that's ok because you'll be king of your own world.

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23. Your friend's lap makes an EXCELLENT pillow.

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24. Help a mate. Ambulance staff will ask you how much she's consumed, be honest and helpful.

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25. Matthew 7:1-3 - Judge not, lest ye be judged.

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26. Gravity is your worst enemy.

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27. Always say "sorry sorry sorry" when flouting the rules.

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28. It's a long day, your feet are going to start hurting, when the shoes are off, they're not going back on.

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29. Piggy back transport is an essential way to get home.

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30. 6pm is pash o'clock.

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31. Like the lights in a nightclub, the birds are a sign it's time to go home.

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32. And make sure your pash partner is nearby. DAY COMPLETE!

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