21 Everyday Nightmares For People Who Value Personal Space
You need to take a couple thousand steps back, sir.
1. The exercise in sanity that is getting coffee in the morning.
Good morning! Enjoy this loud room full of grumpy people with caffeine headaches.
2. The dreaded rubbing of shoulders when you settle for that damn middle seat on the subway.
Yeah, OK, I think I'll stand, thanks.
3. Or giving up and standing, and realizing that's even worse.
Here's a whole train full of people trying to pretend they're alone.
4. The panic that sets in when you see that clipboard-carrying canvasser start to walk toward you from halfway down the block.
"Excuse me, do you have a moment for me to make you feel incredibly uncomfortable?"
5. The never-ending struggle to maintain your friendship with close talkers.
This isn't even practical; my eyes are crossed right now.
6. Co-workers who do you the "favor" of holding that already-packed elevator for you.
For the last time, I'll take the next one.
7. The daily battle of keeping your too-eager-to-hug friends at arm's length.
I know you're just trying to make me feel better, but I now feel 1000x worse.
8. Or over-eager-kissers? Absolutely not.
Can't we just settle for a high-five?
9. Having to plan your bathroom trips to avoid people who insist on making conversation while in the stall.
I'm sorry, I didn't hear you over that steady stream of urine we're both trying to pretend isn't happening right now.
10. The many nights you've chosen to just order Seamless instead of sharing kitchen space with your roommates.
"If we bump elbows one more time, so help me god..."
11. The overly-helpful yoga teacher you could do without.
My mind can hear you telling me to relax, but my body just can't comply.
12. Internally dying when you realize the ticket to that concert says "general admission" on it.
There are so many hands touching me right now!
13. Friends who seem to think touching your hair is akin to paying you a compliment.
Right, cause all it needed was a little oil from your grimy hands.
14. Being a little too close for comfort with the weird family member on long family road trips.
Hell on wheels!
15. Those cold, invasive doctor hands.
Can I just take my blood test online?
16. Trying to have a normal conversation during another cramped house party without running for your life.
Call me when you get a bigger apartment.
17. Or trying to dance at a club without feeling like you're in a pig crate.
I'm not sure if it's your beer or your sweat I'm drenched in right now, but I hate it.
18. Planning your routine panic attack at the airport security checkpoint.
Maybe next time I can just drive to Hawaii.
19. Then sharing the same disgusting circulated air on the plane with the mouth-breather sitting next to you.
"You feel that steam heat coming? That's from my undercarriage."
20. Theme parks? Hahaha GTFO.
Happiest place on earth my ass.
21. Being embraced by the grimy, repulsive fur costumes of those off-brand cartoon characters in Times Square.
No, you're not getting a tip for the tetanus you just gave me.
So, most days you come home feeling a little strung out.
But take a deep breath and relax because you're back in your own little cocoon of personal space.
Your bed. Now everyone stay the hell away.