Melt one teaspoon of butter in a medium saucepan over medium heat.
Add 2 cups thinly sliced onion, ¼ teaspoon sugar, and ⅛ teaspoon ground black pepper.
Stir occasionally while telling your ex-boyfriend that you probably won’t have any because "you’re really just trying to focus on your career right now and just do you." Cook 15 minutes or until golden brown.
Stir in ¼ cup dry red wine and 5 large bottles of hot sauce
Ideally have the bottles of hot sauce already prepped and ready to go in a container labeled “spices” or something.
Add 1 ½ cups chicken broth, 1 ½ cups water, and ⅛ tespoons thyme.
Reduce and serve.
Stare into your ex-boyfriend’s eyes as he makes his way through the soup.
Appreciate the fragility of life as his face becomes more pained and struggles to utter the word “why.” Remember, you don’t have to answer!
Enjoy with a slice of baguette or with a little sprinkled cheese on top.
2.Steak a la Resentment!
Rinse your steaks and pat dry.
Tenderize the steaks with an extra large mallet while you maintain direct eye contact with your ex-boyfriend. This is an important step. Beat the meat as hard you can for one hour without averting your glare from that douchebag’s horrified face.
Delicately season the steaks with teaspoon of salt, a clove of garlic, and a tablespoon of rosemary.
Heat two tablespoons of olive oil on a large skillet over low heat.
Place the steaks on the skillet.
Turn the heat up to absolute maximum.
Observe your ex-boyfriend’s reaction as the steaks are thoroughly burnt to a crisp.
Remember, direct eye contact.
Serve with wine and a fresh garden salad. Your ex-boyfriend may protest, but remember that you also protested when he spent a week with his old college girlfriend but he did it anyway.
3.Apple and Horseradish-Glazed Salmon!
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.
Combine ⅓ cup apple jelly, a tablespoon chopped chives, a tablespoon of horseradish, 1 tbsp champagne vinegar, and a little salt. Whisk.
Divide the mixture into two bowls. Go ahead and stealthily dump a 16 oz. bottle of liquid laxative into one of the bowls.
DO NOT MIX UP THE BOWLS.
Heat oil over low heat in two separate skillets. If your ex-boyfriend asks why you are using two different skillets, tell him to shove off and that he’s horrible in bed.
Cook the salmon for 3 minutes then turn over; brush one with apple mixture from one bowl, brush the other with apple mixture from the other bowl.
Remove skillets from stove and bake at 350° for 5 minutes or until fish flakes easily when tested with a fork.
DO NOT MIX UP THE SKILLETS.
Serve. While your ex-boyfriend is in the bathroom, tell him all the reasons why you’re better off without him. Don’t forget to mention how despicable his mother is.
Great over rice or with roasted vegetables.
Preheat the oven to 425 degrees F.
In a large bowl, mix the the 1 quart strawberries and 1 cup sugar until the sugar dissolves. Add 1 cup cubed rhubarb, ⅓ cup flour, and 1 tablespoon melted butter. Mix well.
Unfold one pie crust and press firmly into a pie plate.
Spoon the filling into the pie.
Tenderly place every piece of jewelry or airport souvenir your ex-boyfriend has ever given you into the pie while whispering the reasons why you hate him.
Conceal them in the filling. Do not be afraid to overload.
Place the other pie crust over the pie. Slice some holes and pinch the edges.
Bake 30-35 minutes or until crust is golden.
Serve to your ex-boyfriend and watch as he gags on the piping hot metal chain of a necklace. When he asks “What the hell is this?” be ready to say “You tell me, opal isn’t MY birthstone!”