1. I have good old-fashioned diarrhea. It's probably not food poisoning, but I don't want to talk about my bowels with you. We're just not there yet.
2. I'm menstruating and that, too, is a sort of poison.
3. (I hate that women can't really use menstruation to get out of things anymore. Thanks for that, feminism)
4. I'd rather shoot myself in both eyeballs than go to your birthday party in Murray Hill.
5. I'd rather eat a Dunkin Donuts tuna salad sandwich than get drinks with you at a bar where spiced nuts cost more than I would if I were held for ransom.
6. Time is a flat circle.
7 I'm naked and already took my sleeping pills, so it would be literally impossible for me to meet up with you at any place that requires clothes and general coherence.
8. I ate too much lo mein. It wasn't poison per se, but there is a definite gas situation.
9. I'm so bloated from dinner that when I look at my stomach and rub it lovingly, people will think I'm pregnant. And I'm not willing to not look at my stomach and rub it lovingly because that's my favorite thing to do. So I'm going to have to sit this one out.
10. Hell is other people.
11. I already picked up nail polish, Coronas, and Pringles at Duane Reade. I've set up a nice night for myself.
12. Why do people do things anyway?
13. It's raining.
14. It's snowing.
15. I'm tweezing all the hairs off my body and listening to Abba.
16. You still don't follow me on Twitter.
17. You Tweet the worst things.
18. Stop live-tweeting "Bad Judge" with Kat Walsh. No one watches it. Also it was cancelled.
19. I just learned what a fecal transplant is and I'm too disgusted to do anything for a few days. I'm sure you understand.
20. I just found hot dogs in my fridge and I have big plans for them.
21. I have food poisoning.