1.Sandwiches don't talk about you behind your back. They don't even secretly think bad things about you. The truth is, they have no secrets or thoughts.
2.People get mad at you when you put melted cheese on them. Sandwiches don't.
3.Not one sandwich has ever bought the same dress as you and then been dismissive when you were clearly upset about it.
4.Remember that time a sandwich made you go out to fratty bars in the East Village? You probably don't, because it never happened.
5.Whether or not you decide to grill a sandwich, at least you have the choice. With humans, there is no choice.
6.When sandwiches are apolitical, it's not obnoxious. When humans are apolitical, it always is.
7.(There are no documented instances of libertarian sandwiches.)
8.Sandwiches don't have boyfriends they make you hang out with.
9.Sandwiches might not remember your birthday, but that's because they're inanimate.
10.Sandwiches never enter the subway car before everyone's gotten off.
11.A sandwich will watch Scandal with you all night even if it's not trying to hit it...
12.It takes up the perfect amount of space in bed, and doesn't breathe like a gross old man, and is not hairy.
13.When you sleep with a sandwich, you have a convenient snack for proto-breakfast, everyone's favorite middle-of-the-night meal. If you sleep with a human, you have to climb over it and journey to the kitchen to prepare something, and who has the time?
14.The more sandwiches at the party, the more fun everyone has.
15.Even boring sandwiches are still thrilling to be around.
16.Because they never tell you about their weird dreams or try to get you to listen to their podcast.
Thank you, sandwiches. Thank you.
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