1. The drinker:
I offered my mom the maraschino cherry from my cocktail and she said, "I think you gave your cherry away a long time ago."
2. The smeller:
I asked my mom why a retail worker gave her a men's cologne sample and she responded, "Because he knows I have a man and you don't."
3. The physician:
I showed my mom a sonogram of her first grandchild and my mom said, “Ewww.” She's a doctor.
4. The parent teacher conference:
I'm a 24-year-old woman who is dating a high school history teacher. I told my mom that he asked me to go to his school's homecoming with him, she said, "Well, it's about time someone did."
5. The IHOP patron:
6. The mirror:
Aunt: "Every mother thinks her daughter is the most beautiful of them all."
Mom, looking me over: "...Meh."
7. The dog whisperer:
8. The gagger:
I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth, but I have a really strong gag reflex, so I started gagging a bit. My mom shook her head and said, "Honey, I feel bad for all of your future boyfriends."
9. The comeback kid:
Mom: "Why does your ass hang off the seat?"
Me: "I can't help that I have a Coke bottle figure, Mom!"
Mom: "Yeah...a 2-liter."
10. The beautician:
Last winter, I had minor heart surgery. As I was being wheeled out afterward, my mother looked down at me and the first thing she said was, "We should have done your eyebrows."
11. The working mother:
12. The prom queen:
My mom had some of her old high school friends over and I said, "You guys are so fun together! I wonder if you and I would've been friends in high school." Without missing a beat, she said, "Probably not, I was cool in high school," grabbed her margarita, and went outside.
13. The OBGYN:
I was talking about Tori Spelling having a baby and my mom said, “The vagina is a rubber band. If not then someone could drive a bus through yours.”
14. The wannabe grandma:
15. The mathematician:
Mom: "Aw, sweetie, you’re like one in hundred."
Me: "I think it’s supposed to be one in a million."
16. The measurer:
Me: "Ughhh I'm just a big failure!"
Mom: "No, don't say that! You're only 5'5"; you're just a small failure!"
17. The mean girl:
18. The sunblock:
We were outside and my mom was blocking me from the sun, so I said, "Move, mom. I'm in your shadow." My mom replied, "Honey, you live in my shadow."
19. The friend zoner:
One day I told my mom, “You are my best friend.” She paused and then said, “Aww. You are my very dear friend.”
20. The surgeon:
I told my mom I could never be a cardiac nurse because the heart isn’t my forte. Her response was “Well yeah, you kind of have to have one.”
21. The historian:
I was looking through old yearbook photos and made the general comment, “I think I’ve gotten more attractive as I’ve gotten older.” My mom replied, “Actually, you peaked senior year of high school.”
22. And the truth-teller:
Mom: "Where you going?"
Me: "My ex's house to pick up a water bottle I left."
Mom: "Make sure to pick up your dignity while you’re there."
Note: Submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.