1. Wake up early? No.
2. Get up as soon as the alarm goes off? Never.
3. If a stranger looked at the sequence of alarms you've set in your phone, they'd think you were nuts. (But really, who sets an alarm for 6:53am? Were 6:50am and 6:55am not enough?)
4. On the days that you actually manage to wake up early, you feel like absolute death by the time 11:00 rolls around.
5. (That's 11am, just to be clear.)
6. Not only are you exhausted, but you've also got serious pre-lunch hunger pangs because you ate breakfast way earlier than usual.
7. By the time the clock strikes 2pm, you've lost all control over your basic motor skills.
8. You've already taken a 5-minute nap in the bathroom (and you didn't even bother to pretend that it was to go number 2).
9. By 3pm, you've consumed an entire liter of coffee just trying to keep yourself awake.
10. And to your great surprise, it actually worked! "I can totally do this whole waking up early thing," you think. "The key is to make sure I have my coffee."
11. But then 6pm rolls around and you turn into a zombie.
12. You calculate exactly how many hours of sleep you'd get if you went to sleep right now.
13. Besides, you love your bed way more than that boring nonsense people refer to as "socializing."
14. You can feel the coolness of your sheets when you finally curl up in bed after a long day.
15. The softness of your pillow.
16. The comforter embracing you.
17. And, if you can't make it to your bed, you would totally be okay with something a little more... unconventional:
18. You've considered starting a petition to get the president to use his powers to create a Naptime-at-Work Fund.
19. In fact, you wouldn't even need a bed. You're able to catch a few winks anytime and anywhere, no problemo.
20. Your ability to catch some Z's while riding public transportation is a testament to that.
21. You manage to fall asleep even if you're standing up.
22. You just hang on to the bar and lean your head against your arm, as if it were a pillow.
23. When you finally get home and realize that you're just steps away from your bed, you become filled with glee.
24. Who said you need to take off your shoes before you go to sleep?
25. Only you know how truly special this moment is.
26. Sometimes you even put it off for a little bit. Maybe you'll watch a soap opera or have a glass of wine. That way, when the blessed time to go to sleep finally come, it's even more blissful than you'd imagined.
27. And so, you crawl into bed, feel the heavy weight of your body against the soft coolness of the bed, and drift off into that beautiful land of clouds and dreams.
28. You can sleep through any level of noise, be it a car alarm off in the distance or an earthquake.
29. In your ideal world, you sleep 10 hours a night.
30. But your record is actually 14 straight hours of sleep. (What a champ!)
31. You don't understand how some people manage to sleep only 6 hours a night and still stay alive.
32. You identify on a spiritual level with sloths.
33. Your weekends are sacred. (Go to the club?? HA!)
34. Sure, "it's Sunday and it's a beautiful day outside," but you WILL sleep till noon and it WILL be glorious.
35. And God forbid your Sunday afternoon plans turn out to be boring. You'll spend the rest of your day lamenting the fact that you ever left the comfort of your bed in the first place.
36. Even if your Sunday plans did cost you a lot of money.
37. While some people spend Sunday evenings preparing for the week ahead, you'd much prefer to spend that time in bed, scrolling through your newsfeed and drifting slowly off to sleep.
38. For you, sleeping while spooning is one of the most romantic things a couple can do <3
39. Now put your phone/laptop away and go back to bed. After all, sleeping is heavenly.
This post was translated from Portuguese.