12 Fetishes That'll Make You Feel Vanilla As Fuck

*Casually fantasizes about eternal damnation*

1. Vorarephilia: Arousal from eating another person’s body parts or being eaten alive.

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The hip youth call themselves "vores" these days.

2. Taphephilia: Arousal from thoughts of being buried alive.

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What do you mean that you're not turned on by the thought of a hottie drowning in quicksand? Basic bih.

3. Claustrophilia: Arousal from being in confined spaces.

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Many claustrophilic fetishists enjoy wearing skin-tight or vacuum-sealed latex garments that feel more like a womb than a tomb if ya dig what I'm saying.

4. Sploshing: Arousal from messy foods being sat on or smeared on others.

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Cake sitting is quite popular among the sploshing sect.

5. Nasophilia: Sexual attraction to a person's nose.

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No, nasophiles don't fuck folks in the nostrils.

6. Stygiophilia: Arousal from the thought of hellfire and damnation.

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It's a fabulous work-around to that pesky Catholic guilt, if you ask me.

7. Balloon fetish: Sexual arousal from balloons.

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People in this community affectionately call themselves "looners" and enjoy seeing balloons inflated, popped, and played with.

8. Forniphilia: Arousal from turning a person into a piece of furniture.

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To allow oneself to be objectified as a piece of furniture by their dominant partner is the ultimate submission, therefore the ultimate aphrodisiac, for a forniphile.

9. Oculophilia: Arousal from eyeball-licking.

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Please take caution if this is your kink: If you are not careful, your eye could turn pink.

10. Salirophilia: Arousal from the disheveling or soiling of someone's well-groomed appearance.

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Salirophiles get off on someone attractive and put-together getting disheveled and dirty, but this does not have to include any nudity or bodily fluids.

11. Climacophilia: Arousal from falling down stairs.

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Buster Keaton films just got dirt nasty.

12. Autassassinophilia: Arousal from being in life-threatening situations.

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As a person who constantly worries that I'm dying, I am genuinely jealous of this.

NOTE: While these paraphilias and fetishes are largely harmless preferences, there is a problem if they are causing mental stress or involve non-consenting partner/s.