1. Both are exceptionally scary.
Halloween: Zombies, monsters, demons, the existential paranoia that no one is ever really who they appear to be and that death eventually comes for us all...
Christmas: Allegedly some fat, bearded old foreign man who is really into children sitting on his lap breaks into your home, eats your snacks, leaves you nice stuff that for all you know could have been stolen, exits without a trace and lets you live with the constant paranoia that he sees you when you're sleeping and knows when you're awake. Good God.
2. You WILL gain weight after properly celebrating both holidays.
Christmas: OH, THE FEAST. I GROW LARGER JUST THINKING ABOUT THE FEAST.
Halloween: CANDY. PUMPKIN PIE. CANDY AND PUMPKIN PIE EVERYWHERE.
3. You are expected to dress up for both (and will often look foolish)
Halloween: Do I want to show off my wit or my body? Do I have either to show off?
Christmas: Incorporating leggings into my dressy outfit: challenge accepted.
4. Both are largely based upon subtle threats.
Halloween: Behave accordingly or kids will play a mischievous trick upon you.
Christmas: Behave accordingly or Santa will break into your home and give you coal, which is useless because the fireplace is less than a foot away and is literally chock full of that shit.
5. Both holidays glamorize the bothering of neighbors.
Christmas: Carolers be like ♪ Jingle bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg/ The Batmobile lost its wheel and Joker is my dad ♫
Halloween: Kids be like ♫ Trick or treat, smell my feet/ give me something good to eat/ If you don't, I'll tell my father about this. ♪
6. People get SO turnt up decorating their homes for both occasions...
Halloween: Plastic skulls, glowing pumpkins, fog machines, Styrofoam headstones, tacky lights...
Christmas: Plastic santas, glowing trees, snow machines, Styrofoam snowmen, tacky lights...
7. ...And no one really wants to take down the decorations.
Halloween: "Screw it, I'll just say I'm going for an Addam's Family motif."
Christmas: "Maybe if I just don't plug in the lights, that will make them invisible and no one will know they're still all over my house and windows and bushes!" *It's April*
8. They are both oddly sexualized (especially for ladies).
Halloween: When you've come across a "Sexy Strip of Bacon" costume at the store, you know it's gone too far.
Christmas: Still waiting for these "Sexy Santa" lingerie sets to come with beards.
9. Spiking the punch can make both holidays considerably more interesting.
Christmas: "Oh my god Memaw PLEASE tell me what the forties were like. Hang on, let me just top you off there..."
Halloween: "I think I am finally buzzed enough to talk to Jessica Rabbit."
10. Other people will disappoint you the most on these holidays.
Christmas: "I've been your daughter for 20 whole years and you still have no idea how to shop for me?"
Halloween: You work so hard on your "dunkin' donuts" costume and everyone thinks you're a basketball playing- donut. Idiots.
11. People get the most competitive.
Halloween: It's like cosplaying at Comic Con, but with way more general social acceptance.
Christmas: There are two ways to do Christmas: Perfectly and "I am a failure that no one loves why don't I just give up."
12. Both holiday seasons bring the BEST parties
Halloween: On what other magical day can Walter White grind with Lara Croft?
Christmas: On what other magical day can Howard from Accounting grind with Janet from Sales?
*plot twist: Howard was Walter White, Janet was Lara Croft.
13. You're completely screwed if you wait 'til the last minute to prepare for these holidays.
Halloween: Wait too long and you're stuck with a costume you have to keep explaining why is good.
Christmas: Wait too long and you're stuck with a present you have to keep explaining why is good.
14. Both holidays are literally the worst days for cops.
Christmas: "Uh, we got a situation over on Main Street involving a man dressed as Santa, a monkey and a life-sized cardboard cutout of Michael Jordan. Requesting backup."
Halloween: "Fucking teenagers."
15. Children are the only real winners of both holidays...
Christmas: Class parties, butt loads of candy, getting cool stuff for free, showing off the cool stuff you got for free.
Halloween: Class parties, butt loads of candy, getting cool stuff for free, showing off the cool stuff you got for free.
16. ...Except when they're not.
Halloween: Raisins and toothbrushes when trick-or-treating, parents making you wear a jacket which will RUIN your costume, tummy aches from too much candy...
Christmas: We've all had that one childhood year of massive present disappointment. Mine was Christmas of '98. Didn't get a Furby. Still not quite over it.