If Your Friend Has Just Had A Baby, This Is How You Can Support Them To Get Through The First Few Months

We can all learn how to support mothers everywhere.

This year, Maltesers has partnered with Comic Relief to support maternal mental health.

If you or anyone you know is struggling, there is help out there for you. Head here for more information.

As well as encouraging new mums to chat openly about their struggles and to feel comfortable seeking help when they need it, Maltesers know that having a strong support system is *crucial*.

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Teamwork makes the dream work, amirite?

So we've asked mums to tell us the best ways that their friends, family, and partners supported them throughout the first year of motherhood, to help you to do the same for your new mum friends.

1. Keep the invites to social events flowing.

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"For me, having a baby for the first time is the most wonderful, happy experience but equally utterly terrifying. You feel so vulnerable to the new situation you are suddenly in and nothing can prepare you for it.

Friends can help out by dropping round meals and sending supportive messages, but the most important thing they can do as time goes on is being conscious of the fact that you are still you and not now only a mum.

From my personal experience, I found that some of my friends — without knowing they were doing it — sort of forgot about me or just always assumed I was busy with the baby and I was not invited to things as much as I was before, which I found difficult at times.

So much of you changes when having a baby, especially your social life, so it is always nice to be invited, even if you can rarely make it. It's the thought that counts."

—Beth, mum of two.

2. Rejoice in the fact that you've now got a bonus bestie in your friend's new baby.

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"I’ve been very lucky that my closest friends have viewed my having my baby as providing them with an extra best friend.

Instead of planning boozy nights out, we go on child-friendly day trips (but of course we haven’t completely abandoned the occasional night out).

I think it’s really important to remember that even though someone’s had a baby, they’re still the same person they’ve always been. Friendships don’t have to completely change. They'll just be a little different. But at least you have an excuse to go to soft play."

—Lauren, mum of one

3. Collaborate with others to create a support system where every base is covered.

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"You spend nine months prepping for labour, decorating the nursery, and daydreaming of that first outfit they will wear home from the hospital. Then suddenly you’re six weeks in, brutally sleep-deprived with a painful, unrecognisable postpartum body and home alone with a colicky newborn who screams for eight hours a day. You’re completely consumed by love but also by shock. Is this how it’s supposed to be?! This was when I relied heavily on my friends and family.

Firstly, my daughter's dad was brilliant in the first few weeks. If I was awake feeding, then he was up getting me toast, breast pads, and goodness knows what else! When I was really struggling, he took extra time off work no questions asked.

My daughter was unwell as a newborn — she had allergies and silent reflux, which caused her to cry a lot — and my mum would come over day or night and take her from us so we could wash, eat, or just have 10 minutes away from the screaming. Sometimes she’d just come over so I could cry about how hard it was.

My dad took my dog for the first couple of weeks to help ease the load. Similarly, my childhood friends supported in any way they could. Even if they just sat with me while my little one cried, it helped.

The postpartum period for me was the hardest, most physically and mentally raw time in my life and if I didn’t have the strong support network around me, I believe my mental health would have easily slipped into a very scary place. My baby and I are very lucky to have such wonderful people in our lives."

—Larna, mum of two

4. For example, help your friend to build their ultimate feeding nest.

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"I tell my clients to build a feeding nest: somewhere in your house where you can feed safely and still reach drinks, phones, and TV remotes. True friends leave snacks and water in the nest. They keep replenishing diminishing stocks without having to ask.

Mums often say to me they don’t need to be fixed, they don’t need solutions, they just want somebody to say, 'You are doing a really good job growing that baby.'"

—Andrea, breastfeeding counsellor and mum to two teenage children

5. *Offer* your time, instead of waiting to be asked.

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"Offering a helping hand is so important as I know a lot of us struggle to ask for it. I remember feeling the immense pressure to be super mum, to be organised and on top of everything, but I found balancing things to be such a challenge. I think we have all been guilty of ‘suffering in silence’ no matter how good your support network is, in an attempt to power through.

The occasions when friends and family offered to spend time with the baby felt like such a relief because I felt like they really wanted to do it! It meant that I could have some me time back, even if that was something small like having a shower or running errands I’d been trying to get done for the last four days!"

—Helen, mum of three

6. Help your friend to catch up on some much-needed ZZZs — even if it's just 30 minutes.

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"Recently, something that has been extremely helpful is when guests ask if they can take the baby for a 30-minute walk while I take a quick nap.

That way, we can all hang out without anyone being cranky and it allows me that little bit of time to feel refreshed."

—Laura, mum of one

7. Roll your sleeves up and help to do some chores.

Getty images / Peter Dazeley

"Becoming a mother for the first time has definitely been challenging. I really underestimated how difficult some days would be and thought I’d be able to do everything, especially as my career is centred around newborns.

Becoming a mum right at the start of an unknown pandemic, my mental health definitely declined. It felt like everyone had forgotten about us.

I will forever be grateful for my mum; every time she came round, she either cooked us a meal, or came and cleaned and got the baby settled so I could shower, sleep, or just have five minutes for myself.

My biggest advice for all friends and family of a new mum is to make your visits regular and help with the dishes or bring food with you.

It means more to us than you’ll know."

—Ieashia, mum of one

8. If you live far away, food deliveries and words of encouragement go a long way.

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“I gave birth to our second son 12 days ago and they are not wrong when they say that 2 under 2 is a handful! We don’t have any family nearby (my husband's parents are in Australia and mine are in Scotland) so friends are especially important to us in forming our support network.

Some examples of things that our friends have done for us these last couple of weeks that have made a real difference have been sending a vegan food hamper so we can eat well even when we don’t have time to cook, sending brownies and donuts to keep those blood sugar levels up when sleep deprivation is at an all-time high, and giving words of encouragement and support. That it's from friends who already have two kids is living proof that it can be done!”

—Marisa, mum of two

9. Talk, talk, talk. Sharing your own experiences or checking in can really help someone to voice where they are struggling themselves.

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"Nothing can quite prepare you for parenthood. I remember listening to my friends and family talking about our expectant baby and what an exciting journey it would be, but not a single conversation prepared me for the rollercoaster of emotions that I would feel.

Being a new mum is hard and the mum guilt is real; I remember feeling like a bad mum for hating pregnancy, for wishing I could have my old life back, for getting help, for letting someone else bottle-feed my baby, and for not really enjoying the first few months.

Being a parent is the best job in the world but there also seems to be this unwritten rule that no one speaks about the flip side of parenting to expecting parents in case they frighten them.

I heard countless comments like 'sleep while you can' but nothing about how to recognise it’s not always this picture-perfect image we are led to believe. Maybe if people talked about the hardships of motherhood, it would be a bit easier to deal with the mum guilt and mums wouldn’t feel so alone. My advice to parents, new mums, and mums to be would be to talk and talk honestly. Nothing can quite prepare you for parenthood but help normalise this brilliant but sometimes less than perfect journey. You might just help someone when they most need it."

—Fiona, mother of one

10. And if your friend needs help, help them to find it.

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"Becoming a mother is one of the biggest transitions any woman will go through in her life. While we seem to have normalised conversations about body image and the physical changes we go through as new mums, parents are still anxious about talking about their mental health.

Hormonal shifts, changes in the maternal brain and in close relationships can leave new mothers feeling low and insecure. If you have a friend who's become a mum, please ask her how she's feeling. Reach in and offer support. If you feel at all concerned about her mental health and how she's coping, speak to a trusted health professional to find out what support is available."

–Dr Julianne Boutaleb, BPS registered perinatal psychologist, Parenthood In Mind

Submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.

Motherhood is a spectrum of emotions. It's okay to ask for help. Maltesers is partnering with Comic Relief to support more mums with their mental health. Find out more about the campaign and where you can find support here.

Comic Relief is the operating name of Charity Projects, registered charity in England and Wales (326568), and Scotland (SC039730).